Pink Squirrel Orgies
by sylphstarwind
Summary: The survivors deviate from the Resident Evil Outbreak plot and end up drunk, sexed up, dead, undead, high, robbing a bank, and more. Also, Kevin decides he wants a piece of David. Confusion and frustration follow. See my DA account for the large version of the cover!
1. Kevie's Love Issues

**Pink Squirrel Orgies  
**

is a Resident Evil Outbreak story, but there will be a few guest appearances at some points, from other RE games.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

PS I don't mean anything against gays, or anyone else.

**Chapter One – Kevie's Love Issues**

Kevin the cop sighed sadly, trying to drink away his sorrows. He had failed, once again, to become a member of the elite police unit, "S.T.A.R.S.". He didn't know what the problem was – he had flirted with Albert Wesker, complimenting his sexy 24-hour shades and his pretty blond hair. But the S.T.A.R.S. captain had only stared at him with a cold expression on his face. Again, Kevin's dream of working with that hunk had been killed.

"That man's made of ice," Kevin muttered, sniffling. He gulped down his pink squirrel and asked the bartender for another.

"What's the matter, po-po?" Will asked, putting another drink in front of his customer.

"What do you think? I wasn't accepted by S.T.A.R.S.," Kevin replied glumly.

"And that was try number…seventeen?" Will asked, thinking.

"Sixteen," Kevin corrected absently.

"Hey, I know you've got a thing for that captain, but you really should give up. It seems like you just aren't S.T.A.R.S. material. Besides, I don't think flirting's going to work on that Wesker guy," Will said.

"No, he's definitely into it. I can tell," Kevin said.

Will wondered if the cop meant that the captain was gay, or was susceptible to flirting. He doubted either was true. But he doubted even more that Kevin would listen to him, so he patted his customer on the arm and said comfortingly, "There's always next time."

Kevin looked up and brightened a little. "You're right. I just need to try harder," he said.

He thought for a second. He needed to try something new. But how could he get the captain to notice him? How could he get him to give in to his feelings?

"I've got it!" he cried suddenly, not noticing the waitress drop a glass at the unexpected shout. He'd read about a trick in his favorite mag - "Cosmopolitan" - where you bring in a new guy friend and wait for your man to get jealous.

He looked around at the other customers for a candidate.

"Ugh, too fat," he said, looking at Mark.

"Hey!" the fat man yelled gruffly. "McDonald's is my only friend!"

"Too ugly," Kevin remarked, looking towards Jim.

Jim burst into tears and ran into the bathroom.

"Too…female," the cop observed, looking at Cindy. The waitress looked up for a second then shrugged, going back to picking up the shattered glass.

Kevin's eyes rested on David, and he smiled. "Just right."

The plumber was sitting at the other side of the bar by himself, sipping his beer. Kevin stood and walked over, taking a seat beside his target.

"Hey, how's it goin'?" he asked.

David looked at him with a bored, and slightly drunk, expression. "Huh?"

Kevin hoped that the drunkenness would be to his advantage. "My name's Kevin. Can I buy you another beer?"

David seemed confused for a second. Then he asked dubiously, "Are you hitting on me?"

"I dunno. Do you like it?" Kevin replied.

"Sorry, man, but I don't swing that way," David said. He looked down into his glass, hoping the cop would go away. Cops and gay guys both brought back terrible memories...

_Ooh, a challenge,_ Kevin thought, grinning.

"What the hell are you smiling about?" David asked. Gay cops grinning brought back the worst memories of all. And, it made no sense - why would this guy smile after being rejected?

"Oh, nothing," Kevin replied, already scheming.

**.o End of Chapter o.**


	2. Just A Buncha Lovers

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Thanks to those who have read so far, and especially those who have reviewed (EvilHunterX and Sweetboxer). Enjoy Chapter Two!

**Chapter Two - Just A Buncha Lovers  
**

In the background, Kevin could hear a commercial:

_"Do you want the world to be taken over by Commies? Of course not! So buy a Ford at your nearest dealer, today!"_

"Those commercials get more stupid by the day," Kevin muttered to himself. But that wasn't important right now.

He had decided that getting David smashed might increase his chances of something happening between them. Even if that didn't work, he was interested in how David would act when really drunk. Perhaps he would open up and tell them about his past or something.

Kevin wasn't just trying to use David. He _did_ find him attractive, and he wouldn't mind getting to know him. He was a worthy substitute for the Captain, at the very least.

"Drinks are on me tonight!" he announced. His cop's salary might not handle that well, but this could be worth it.

Mark cheered, apparently forgetting that Kevin had insulted him earlier. Alyssa went over to the bar immediately and ordered three martinis.

Yoko and Jim came out of the bathrooms, curious about the racket. When they found out what was going on, they joined in the fun.

Soon, everyone was really drunk. When Yoko had had a few drinks, she opened up a little and decided to hit on David. She'd always had a bit of a crush on him, but she'd be too shy to talk to him under normal circumstances. But now, she wasn't thinking very clearly.

She sat down on a stool next to David. "Hey baby. Want to go out for something to eat?" she asked, swaying slightly.

"No thanks. I'm not really hungry," David said, his voice slurred.

"Then how about we get a room at the nearest Holiday Inn?" she asked, running a hand up the man's thigh.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not available," he said. It was a lie, but he didn't want to get into this crap right now - or ever. He just wanted to get drunk in peace, then drive home. Was that so much to ask?

Yoko looked disappointed for a moment, but she wasn't going to give up. She leaned closer to David. "If you've got a girlfriend, show me some pictures."

"I don't have any," David said nervously.

She looked closely at his face, her eyes unfocused. "You're lying. Do you hate me that much?" she asked. She looked like she might cry.

David could feel the headache already. He didn't want to deal with some woman shrieking and sobbing in his ear. It was time for a desperation measure. He looked over at Kevin, who was still sitting there, watching the exchange sourly. He put his arm over the cop's shoulders.

"Kevin and I don't really like to go around showing pictures. Some people...wouldn't approve," the plumber said, giving Kevin a look that was as close to loving as he could stand.

Yoko was stunned. "You're…a homo?"

"Yes," David said. He saw the way that Kevin was looking at him and he hoped that he hadn't just made things worse.

Yoko backed away and ran to the bathroom, presumably to cry after the rejection.

"I knew it!" Kevin said as soon as she was gone.

"I only said that so that she would leave me alone. I'm straight, I tell you," David grumbled. But Kevin wasn't listening.

"She left me for that bastard!" Jim suddenly screeched. Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him.

"What the hell are you talking about!" Alyssa yelled, her red face inches from his.

Jim didn't answer; instead, he started blubbering.

"God, shut up!" Alyssa said angrily. Jim only cried louder.

At this point, Yoko came back out of the bathroom, but she was barely recognizable. Her hair was cut very short, almost down to her scalp. She was wearing a pair of baggy khaki pants and a green vest over a t-shirt. She could pass for a man – if the one looking at her was intoxicated.

"Hey, David, what do you think of that guy?" Kevin asked, failing to notice that the "guy" had come out of the ladies' room.

David opened his mouth to repeat that he wasn't gay, but then he realized that it was Yoko. This was getting weird.

"Whoo! How about an orgy at City Mattress?" she called. She staggered over to sit next to David.

"Great idea!" George said.

"Who's that cutie over there?" Alyssa asked loudly.

"I dunno, but I want some," Cindy replied, grinning devilishly.

They all left the bar and went out onto the sidewalk. There were a few other people stumbling around, but nobody took notice. As everyone struggled with their keys in the parking lot, moans broke out nearby.

.o.

David was cursing loudly because he had scratched up his car door, trying to get the key into the slot. He finally succeeded and ducked into the vehicle.

Someone slammed into the door as soon as he closed it, then proceeded to bang on the window. It took David a few seconds to notice and register this, but when he did, he promptly flipped the idiot off. When that didn't deter the asshole (who looked very sickly and was probably homeless, judging by his tattered clothes), David started up the car and roared out of the parking lot. He had a desire to go back and run the jackass over, but decided that he didn't want to be some muscle-bound gentleman's bitch in the state penitentiary. Again.

Anyhoo, all the drunkards were driving to City Mattress, and having a great time of it. And by having a great time, I mean colliding with various objects such as mailboxes, lampposts, and each other at random intervals.

.o.

Kevin's mind wandered as he turned on the corner of Maple Street. They would be arriving at their destination soon, if his sense of direction hadn't failed him completely.

He started thinking about the one that he'd been after for the past few months – Albert Wesker. Damn, he wanted that man. That's the main reason he continually applied to join S.T.A.R.S., even after so many tries. But, if he got to work with Wesker every day, that would be worth it. To fight terrorists at his side. To sit in the same office and stare at that wonderful form all day.

Ah, that man's body was a work of art. Kevin thought of it now. His stern face, his golden hair, his muscular arms, his…

_Dammit, Ryman, leave me out of your fucking fantasies! I'm with David King, you delusional fool!_ the mental image of Wesker told him. And in his drunken state, Kevin believed him.

.o.

David approached the front of the City Mattress, after a sloppy parking job on the curb. Kevin was already there, along with Alyssa and Cindy. The cop seemed upset, and he turned to the plumber when he walked over.

"Is it true?" Kevin asked, tears streaming down his ruggedly handsome face. "Goddammit, tell me the truth!"

David recoiled. _Whoa, this guy's totally nuts. First he smiles for no apparent reason, now he's crying,_ he thought.

Kevin clutched the front of David's shirt and cried on his chest. "How could you two do such a thing!"

"Get a hold of yourself, man! What the hell are you talking about?" David grabbed the cop by the shoulders and shook him.

"Wesker told me all about you two. Don't even try to lie!" Kevin cried.

"Who's Wesker?" David asked, more confused than ever.

"You mean, you don't know him?" Kevin asked, sniffing.

"No, I have no idea what you're talking about. Now can you please get off me?" David said, backing up a step.

"Oh, okay. I'm sorry I overreacted. Now, let's go!" Kevin said, cheering up immediately. He turned to the glass doors of the City Mattress.

Yoko screeched to the curb and stepped out of the vehicle.

"Mine!" Alyssa shouted, pointing at her.

"No way, you can have Jim," Cindy said.

"Dammit, he'll start crying halfway through. I am going to have that Asian dude and that's final!" Alyssa screamed back.


	3. Dance 'Till You Drop

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Hope you people liked Chapter Two. Now here's the next one.

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, or Silent Hill 3 songs, or Captain Obvious.

**Chapter Three - Dance 'Till You Drop  
**

"Sorry, ladies, but I'm gay," Yoko told Alyssa and Cindy.

"Just drop the act, Yoko. I know it's you," David said wearily.

"I don't know what you're talking about. You obviously have me mistaken for someone else," Yoko replied.

"Yeah, how could he possibly be _Yoko_? Come on, David. Just look at him. He's all man," Alyssa said.

"Whatever," David replied. "How are we gonna get in?"

"Let's just go through that window," Kevin said, pointing. One of the large windows were shattered.

"Hm, that's convenient," David muttered. They went inside. It was a large, one-story building, and it was very dark. There were beds on display all around, of course.

A little voice inside David told him that bad people broke windows to get inside a building, and those bad people might still be here. But that little voice had also told David that consuming so much alcohol was bad for his health, and that he shouldn't drive drunk. Of course David didn't listen.

"Hey look, some people have already come here!" Cindy said, pointing at a few zombies standing around in the mattress store. There were also people lying on the tiled floor in pools of blood.

"Let's par-tay!" Alyssa yelled.

Some disco balls came out of nowhere, and everybody danced like it was the last day they had alive. "You're Not Here," the opening song of Silent Hill 3, began to play on the store speakers.

"Eek! Blasphemy!" Cindy screeched, and threw a shoe at one of the speakers. The song changed to some hip-hop song.

"Why did you do that," Kevin asked, looking at her wonderingly.

"I... don't know. It's like I was possessed by some higher force," she said in a frightened voice. Her eye twitched, and she looked around suspiciously.

Kevin shrugged and resumed shaking his ass. The zombies joined in with some rather stiff break dancing. Yoko approached David and started getting a little too close for comfort, making contact in... inappropriate areas. He tried to get away from her.

One of the zombies grabbed Cindy's arm, groaning. It started biting Cindy's neck.

"Aw, he likes to nibble!" she said, giggling and spewing blood. Then she fell down, dead.

"Oh my God, you killed Cindy! I'll kill you, you bastard!" George cried. He grabbed the zombie's head and gave it a sharp twist, killing it instantly.

"Haha! I pwn u, n00b!" he said, stomping on its corpse then crouching repeatedly over its face. Everyone stared at him, looking confused. Then something finally clicked in David's brain.

"Those're zombies!" he yelled.

Everybody started screaming and freaking out. There was a small stampede headed for the door, but when they reached it, they stopped and stared, mouths agape.

The sidewalk was almost completely covered by a moaning mass of zombies. There were a few coming in through the broken window, and the rest were banging on the windows and doors.

"Okay... We aren't gonna go out that way," Kevin said.

Alyssa crossed her eyes and stuck her tongue out. "Well, derrrrr. Thank you, Captain Obvious," she said.

Kevin just gave her a weird look. Then he led his bar buddies to the back of the store, hopefully to the exit, dodging the zombies in their path. "I hope Yoko's okay, wherever she disappeared to," he said, jogging beside her.

"Christ, not you too. I'm surrounded by dumbasses," David growled.

Kevin reached the exit first. It was a steel door in the back with a red light above it. He opened the door and let the others through.

They came out into a large parking lot surrounded by grass. Kevin looked around, wondering where to go next. His question was answered by someone with a megaphone:

"Unless you want to die a horrible, painful death, head this way. We have an armored van!"

"Well, you heard the man. Let's go," Kevin commanded. They went down an alley, going where the voice had come from, and came out next to the Apple Inn. Down the street, they could see a few people and a van. They walked over.

"Heya, Dorian," Kevin greeted a cop.

"Hi," Dorian replied. "I see you managed to save a few people. I have to admit, I'm really surprised. _Really_. Surprised."

"Just doin' my job," Kevin replied proudly.

"You didn't save us, you asshole!" Yoko cried.

"He's publicly drunk, and he's disturbing the peace, Officer Dorian. Also, he was simultaneously driving and being Asian - that's reckless endangerment. Shall we make an arrest?" Kevin asked, winking. Of course he wouldn't worry about something like that during an outbreak of zombies, but he was a little pissed off at this guy for dancing with David back there. He was going to get his revenge in any way possible.

Dorian looked at him like he was crazy. "I think _you're_ publicly drunk, Officer Ryman. Let's just get you outta here."

Kevin shook his head, unable to believe Dorian's complete lack of a sense of humor. He gave up and just got in the passenger's seat of the van. Everyone else sat in the back.

"Dear God. Cindy's dead. I can't believe it...," George said, his face in his hands.

"Oh, come on. She was a stupid blonde bimbo, anyway," Alyssa said, slapping him on the back. She apparently thought that this would make him feel better, but it didn't work.

"You take that back, you bitch," he growled, brandishing his fist.

"Why don't you make me, Doc?" she said, smirking at him. He grabbed her throat and started strangling her.

"Cut it out, you two! Don't you know that this isn't the time for that?" Yoko said, pulling George off of Alyssa and getting between them.

Alyssa fixed her hair and looked at George. "The stud's right. I'm sorry, okay? I take it back."

He glared at her for a second, and then sighed. "Apology accepted. I'm sorry for trying to kill you."

"No problem. I get that a lot," Alyssa replied. She stuck out her hand, and he grabbed it, shaking it. Then the driver suddenly slammed on the brakes and they all flew forward.

"Ooh, is that a banana in your pocket or are you glad be on top of me?" Alyssa said when Yoko landed on her. Yoko quickly scrambled off, looking very creeped out. She peeked through the little window into the front.

"What the hell are you doing, man?" Kevin asked Dorian.

"I'm sorry. We'll have to stop here; we can't get past this blockade," the driver replied.

David peered through the window, looking up front. "What the fuck are you talking about? We're in an _armored van_, and that's a little wooden sawhorse. Quit messing around, this is a life or death situation!"

Dorian glanced around, then leaned close and whispered, "Don't you know? We're being _watched._ There are people much more powerful than us that want us to stop here."

Kevin gave him a scared look, then slowly opened the door and backed away. He went to the back and pulled the doors open.

"What's going on?" Jim asked.

"We gotta walk," Kevin replied.

.o End of Chapter o.


	4. Too Much Pizza

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Capcom, or Konami.

**Chapter One - Too Much Pizza  
**

"This sucks! Why the hell do we have to walk?" Jim whined.

"Kevin just told us, you idiot. Because that Dorian guy's gone insane or something!" Alyssa snapped.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just fulfilling my role as the annoying, whiney guy," Jim replied with a happy grin.

"And I'm just being an uppity bitch!" Alyssa shouted.

"Now you're over-acting. You two suck," David grumbled.

Jim fell silent at this, his eyes full of tears. Alyssa stuck her tongue out but didn't say anything else as the seven survivors started across a footbridge. George happened to glance out the window on the right and gasped, seeing the multitude of zombies on the street below.

"Dear God! There're so many! It's madness!" he cried, waving his arms in the air frantically.

"Don't be a pansy! We can take 'em!" Kevin replied, pulling out his beloved .45 auto and hugging it. "Me and good ol' .45 will clear out those bastards."

"Not unless you have the infinite ammo cheat," George said. It's now apparent that he's secretly a gamer at heart.

"Ooh, that sounds nice. How do we get one of those?" Kevin asked.

"I don't think they have any in Resident Evil," George said with a frown.

"And why not? Do they _want_ us all to die?"

"This is a survivor-horror game. It wouldn't be too hard to survive if you had infinite ammo for your weapons, would it?" George pointed out.

"Dammit, they _do_ want us all to die. Konami sucks!" Kevin said, crossing his arms and pouting.

"That's Capcom," George corrected, sighing. These people knew nothing about video games. They were all going to die. He looked up to say so, and saw that everybody had crossed the bridge without him. "Hey, wait for me!"

Down below, Kevin and the others had reached the street to see two cops gobbled up by zombies.

"W-what should I do?" Harry, the remaining cop, asked. He was questioning the dead, for he had just let his two fellow officers die without attempting to help. Kevin rolled his eyes. Harry had always been the suckiest cop on the force. He didn't even know why that wimp was a cop in the first place. Probably some clichéd story about his father being a cop, and Harry wanting to follow in his footsteps, or something. Kevin walked onto the street with the others trailing behind. He walked up to the chubby, useless cop.

"Oh, thank God you're here! Eric and Elliot are dead!" Harry said.

"Yeah. Nice work trying to help them, by the way. Is firing no bullets at the enemy a new tactic?" Kevin asked.

"You're mean!" Harry said, the tears starting to flow. He ran off into the other direction. Kevin looked at the street full of zombies, trying to think of what to do. He saw a suitcase full of explosives on the ground, with a detonator nearby. He stood for several minutes, racking his brain. Luckily, the zombies were quite stupid, and still hadn't noticed the seven sacks of meat who were standing nearby.

"Let's blow them up," he finally said with a self-satisfied nod. He ran forward, stumbling drunkenly. The zombies took a few swings at him, but his erratic movements caused them to miss. He reached the suitcase, performing a dramatic shoulder roll whilst picking up the detonator. He told everyone to get back, then pushed down the handle and made a run for it. The blasts started at the far end of the street, coming closer and closer to where the survivors were. Everyone got to a safe distance, except for Mark. He was slowed down by all his lard, and was now taking a break after running only a few feet. He was caught in the last of the explosions.

_Guess I shouldn't have had that ninth slice of pizza,_ was his last thought, as he was burnt to a crisp. After the rubble settled and things cooled off a bit, the six survivors approached his charred corpse.

"Ah, well. No one liked him anyway," Alyssa commented.

"Yep. And he's totally useless for a romance in this story," Jim added.

"Maybe we should kill you, too, then," Alyssa said with a mean grin. Jim didn't get it, but he looked scared that she was threatening his life.

"All my nasty comments are gonna be wasted on this guy," Alyssa sighed. They started down the road, climbing through giant holes and over piles of bodies.

_A few hours of walking later...  
_  
"Hey, look at that!" Jim said, pointing.

There was a plain building in front of them. Above the door was a big, colorful sign, which read:

"Top-Secret Umbrella Laboratory. Do not enter!"

"Well, it would be terribly impolite to disobey that sign. Let's go around," George said.

"No, George. I have a feeling, a feeling that can only be caused by the plot of this story. And that feeling tells me that we will have some fabulous adventures if we go in there," Cindy said from behind him.

Everybody turned around and screamed.

"It's a ghost!" Jim screeched, then fainted.

"It's a zombie! Kill it!" Kevin cried, pulling out his .45, aiming it at Cindy, and pulling the trigger forty-two times in succession. And there were forty-two clicks from the empty pistol, as he had used all his bullets earlier, during their hours of walking.

"No! Don't kill her!" George said, jumping in front of Cindy valiantly and taking the bullets that weren't coming.

"Aw, you're my hero!" Cindy said, hugging George. They promptly started to make out.

"Don't kiss her, you sick freak!" Jim said.

"'Cuz she's a zombie, right?" Kevin asked.

"No, 'cuz it's just gross when people over thirty make out. Bleh!" Jim replied, making a face.

Cindy pulled her lips away from George's to say, "I'm not a zombie, silly. I wasn't hurt that badly, and I caught up with you guys. That's all."

Kevin raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't make any sense. First of all, you don't even have a wound on your neck. And how did you--"

"Magic. Now shut up before I kill you," Cindy replied, her eyes glowing red and her canines growing very long and sharp. Kevin recoiled in fright, and her face returned to normal. "Now let's go into this building!"

Kevin, fearing the wrath of Satan or something like that if he disagreed with her, beat Jim about the face until the subway worker woke up and woke then followed Cindy into the building.

.o End of Chapter o.


	5. Lessons in Sharing and a New Plan

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, or the foods and drinks named in this story.

**Chapter Five - Lessons in Sharing and a New Plan  
**

The seven survivors walked through the large double-doors of the Umbrella facility. The room that they stepped into was a lobby.

"I don't think there's any point in going in here," Jim remarked.

"Jim, if you want to live longer, I have some advice fore you - don't think," Cindy ordered.

"Gotcha, scary lady," Jim peeped.

They all walked through the lobby, shutting the door behind them. It was eerie in here - there were splatters of blood on the walls, the chairs and plants were overturned, and the fluorescent lights above were flickering and dying, casting heavy shadows on the scene.

"I'm scared," Yoko whispered, grabbing David's arm.

"Get...off...me...," David growled. Yoko reluctantly obeyed.

Kevin kicked glumly at a severed arm lying on the ground. His plan to get David drunk and have a little fun hadn't worked so well, and now this hot Asian dude was trying to cut in on the action. And then there was Cindy, who seemed to be possessed by an evil force.

"My life is shit!" the cop yelled.

"Hey, that's my line!" Jim responded. "Now I'm gonna steal one of yours. Stop...complaining! No wait, that's George's. Dammit, I can't remember any of yours!"

"That's because he says nothing worth remembering," David noted.

"Hey, that was just mean," Kevin said. "My feelings are really hurt."

David rolled his eyes. He looked down to find that Yoko had clamped onto his arm again, and sighed. It seemed that she simply refused to lay off of him. He'd just have to take it for a little while...

The party continued through the lobby and entered a hall with doorways on each side. A peek into the rooms revealed counters with rows of test tubes, giant capsules with strange creatures in them, computers, and other science-y things. No one cared to check it out, so they kept walking. Towards the end of the hall, there was an employee lounge, and the seven survivors decided to grab a few snacks and such.

"I got dibs on the Doritos! Ranch _and _Nacho!" Alyssa called.

"There're like, fifteen bags in there. Can't you share?" Yoko asked.

"Sorry, baby, but I'm lookin' out for numero uno. And numero uno is in the mood for fifteen bags of Doritos," the reporter replied.

"Really? You're completely unwilling to share?" Yoko asked wearily.

Alyssa thought for a moment. "Weeell, maybe I'll give you a bag or two if you do me a favor."

The Asian instantly had a disturbed look on her face. "What kind of favor?"

Alyssa took a deep breath and spouted a long list of options, most of which involved nakedness, various positions, and random objects.

Yoko gasped, then scowled. "Not in a million years, you sick freak! You're disgusting! No wonder you're still alone and you have no friends!" she snapped. She turned and stormed out into the hallway.

Alyssa glared after her, but after a moment she started to break down. "What the hell do you mean?" she sobbed angrily. She turned to Cindy. "What's he talking about? I have friends! You're my friend, aren't you?"

"Um... I'm going to go make sure he's okay," Cindy said, flashing a smile and hurrying off.

And Alyssa was like, "Nom nom nom nom" while she drowned her suckage in chips.

Cindy approached the fuming college student and patted her on the shoulder. "Hey, I know she's hard to deal with, but there are reasons that she turned out like this, you know. And she has her good moments. And, she's an interesting character, right?'

Yoko huffed. "You're just saying all that because Chevy likes Alyssa and this whole segment probably hurt his brain."

"Maybe, but don't you think you should give her another shot? You'll have to deal with her for a while anyway. I guarantee it."

The Asian sighed. "Okay. I'll tell her I'm sorry and try to let this go. I was just shocked by all that dirty talk, I guess."

"God, you're cute. If only I hadn't picked George... I mean, I understand. Anyway, we should probably grab a bite to eat while we have the chance. Let's go back in."

Yoko nodded and followed Cindy into the lounge. They saw Alyssa on the sofa, eating the chips and drinking a bottle of Coke. Now Jim was standing in front of the vending machine, looking in his wallet.

"Damn! I've got no more money! Anyone wanna loan me a few bucks?" he asked.

"I work for my money! You can't have any!" Alyssa replied.

"Right, you work for it by diggin' up dirt on innocent people," Jim mumbled. He sat down on the other sofa.

"Okay, my turn," Kevin said, stepping up to the snack machine. He purchased an Almond Joy, some Chips Ahoy and a bottle of Sprite.

"Hey, I'm sorry I said that about you. It was out of line," Yoko said, standing in front of Alyssa.

"Huh wha...? Oh, yeah. No problem," Alyssa said. Yoko stood waiting for an apology in return, but gave up after thirty seconds or so of Alyssa eating some more.

"Hey, I just had a brilliant idea!" Jim said suddenly. Everybody rolled their eyes. "No really! I think we should rob a bank!"

"God, you're such a-- Wait, that's actually a decent idea," Alyssa said. Jim nodded excitedly, happy that he'd been the smart one this time.

"Yeah, I know!" he said.

"As an officer of the law, I cannot condone such-- What the hell am I talkin' about? With that kinda money, I could quit being a cop," Kevin said.

"Exactly! To the bank we will go!" Alyssa said.

"After we go through the Below Freezing Point scenario?" Cindy asked.

"Aw, screw the plot," the author replied. "I don't remember half that shit anyway."

.o End of Chapter o.


	6. Breakthrough

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil. Or Gamestop.

Hrm, the name doesn't really fit anymore. Oh well.

**Chapter Six - Breakthrough**

Our favorite gang of zombie killers was walking down a road, looking for a bank.

"Hm, wanna rob a pastry shop instead?" Alyssa asked.

"How about a Gamestop?" George suggested.

"No way; we want money. Then you guys can _buy_ your stupid crap with it," Kevin replied.

"_Our_ stupid crap? And what the hell are _you_ gonna buy that's so important?" Alyssa demanded.

"Guns and male prostitutes, of course," Kevin replied smugly.

"Typical man. All you think about is violence and sex," Alyssa sighed. Kevin refrained from responding with something about typical cows, because he liked his limbs where they were right now. They all walked in silence for a few minutes. They passed many corpses and ran into the occasional zombie, but other than that, the street was empty.

Yoko broke the silence. "Oh look! A bank!" she said, pointing. They all stopped and looked the their left, a few buildings down.

Yup, it was a bank. The doors were slightly agape, and the windows were smashed. It looked like it could've been looted already, but it could also be from the zombies breaking in.

"Only one way to find out," Kevin announced.

"One way to find out... what?" George questioned, looking confused.

"The narrator lady said...," Kevin trailed off.

"Don't worry, I hear her too," Cindy said with a kind smile.

_Yeah, that's really helpful. The insane and/or possessed one is hearing the same voice as me,_ Kevin thought.

"Okay, let's ignore Kevin and Cindy's crazy and go inside," Yoko suggested. There were nods of agreement, and they headed through the doors and into the building. They found the inside to be messy and bloody; it definitely looked like a zombie attack had occurred here.

"Okay everybody. Be careful," Kevin warned.

"Oh really? 'Cuz when I see a bunch of dead bodies, I think, 'hey, let's take a nap'," Alyssa said sarcastically.

Kevin sighed and started forward. He looked down at the ground, carefully stepping over bodies and trying not to slip in the pools of blood. He saw a handgun next to a man's outstretched arm, and picked it up. It was almost fully loaded. He stood up with a smile on his face and resumed walking, going around a corner, still looking down so as not to trip. And thus, he didn't see the Licker on the ceiling.

Luckily, David was behind him, and he was actually looking around for threats. He saw some movement at the top edge of his vision and looked up.

"Look out!" he barked, grabbing the back of Kevin's shirt and yanking him backwards. A long, whip-like tongue missed the cop by inches and withdrew.

"Oh, you _do_ care! I think I'm in love!" Kevin squealed, hugging David.

"Not now, idiot!" David growled, and jumped back, pulling Kevin with him, as the Licker shot its tongue out again. It hissed in frustration as it missed, again. David and Kevin went back around the corner and out of the Licker's reach.

"Okay, I got this one," Kevin said, lifting his handgun. He peeked around the corner and took two shots at the Licker before its tongue whipped out again. Then he jumped out and took three more shots, one of them hitting the creature in the brain. It immediately fell off the ceiling and died.

"Now where were we? Oh yeah." Kevin pulled David into a hug again.

"Just because I didn't let you die, doesn't mean I like you!" David said, but was ignored. He endured the squeezing for a few more seconds, then plucked the cops arms off. "Let's keep moving."

Kevin backed off, his smile getting slightly smaller, but he was still beaming. This had been a breakthrough - he knew it!

The gang continued through the bank, passing small rooms where people would consult their bankers, and coming to a door at the end of the hall. It had a keypad off to the side, and on the door, it said, "Authorized personnel only." The door was made of steel, and the vault was most likely behind it.

"Okay, how are we gonna get this thing open?" Kevin wondered aloud.

"I can make a bomb," David said smugly.

"What are you, a terrorist?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I'm like MacGyver. Just find me a battery, some 'junk parts', and a lighter, and I'll take this door down."

After a few minutes of wandering around the bank and dispatching some stray zombies, our band of not-so-smart people came up with the goods. David turned his back secretively and made some hand movements, and then he turned back around with a time bomb in his hands. He went over to the door and placed it on the floor. As soon as he started it, he ran down the hall and around a corner. The others were not so smart.

"You should probably run!" he yelled to them, rolling his eyes. The other six survivors started running around in circles, still in front of the bomb. Luckily, David had set thirty seconds on it, not ten seconds as might be needed by people of normal intelligence.

"Run over _here_!" he corrected. They did, throwing in a bit of hysterical screaming, as well. As they rounded the corner, there was a big BOOM, and the sound of falling rubble. They all peeked around the corner to see that the door still stood. Fortunately, the bomb had destroyed the wall around the door, so its purpose had been fulfilled.

"This is kind of a crappy bank, if a plumber can break into it," Alyssa pointed out.

"Yes. But let's not dwell on the question of whether this is actually possible or not. The money awaits," George said.

"Corrupt your souls with thievery and greed, my minions!" Cindy said in a strange, echo-y voice, and laughed in an evil manner.

Kevin gave her a weird look, but everyone else was already walking away. He started to follow, when he heard her speak again in a low voice:

"Resist me and you shall perish..."

He looked back, alarmed, and then glanced at the others. It seemed that they hadn't heard any of it. Cindy gave a sinister chuckle and walked by him.

.o End of Chapter o.

I see that their level of intelligence seems to fluctuate... Sorry 'bout that. I'll try to avoid it in the future.


	7. Live, Only to Die Again

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

**Chapter Seven – Live, Only to Die Again**

"Damn, I don't think we can blow that up," Kevin said, scratching his head. He was staring at the big, round vault door in front of them. It was pretty solid. Turned out they'd only gotten through the outer door...

"I guess we should just get back to escaping the city," Yoko said with a sigh.

"I used to work here, and I'd patrol in there sometimes. I know the combination...," a voice with a hint of a Southern accent said. Everyone turned around to find... Mark. It seems that he's been revived in the same way as Cindy.

"Ah! Zombie!" Kevin said, shooting off his still-empty .45. Mark walked past him and went to the door. He turned the big combination lock in the middle and the door swung open.

"Good work, Mark! Zombie or not, you're alright by my book!" Alyssa said, running into the vault. Everyone but Mark and Cindy followed.

"Hey, we only need one possessed revived character in this story," Cindy said. Mark looked at her curiously, and she proceeded to bite his entire head off. His body fell to the floor where it lay, twitching.

The blonde continued into the vault, wiping the blood from her mouth. She found the others rolling around in mountains of money. Alyssa was laughing hysterically, Jim was crying with joy, and everyone else had happy grins on their faces.

"With all this cash, we can buy ourselves a nice vacation home by the sea," Kevin said, hugging David.

"Leave me alone! I want nothing to do with you!" David cried.

"When they say no, it usually means yes," Kevin responded, hugging the plumber tighter. Yoko noticed this scene and a frown formed on her face. She didn't chop off her hair for nothing; she could not let the cop win.

"Hey, Cindy, where's Mark?" George asked, sliding down a pile of money to land at her feet.

"I bit off-- I mean, he... Um... Okay, I bit his head off, literally," Cindy said.

The gears in George's head began to turn. Finally, he might realize that there was something wrong with Cindy.

"Oh, look, money!" Cindy shouted, pointing behind him.

"Wow!" George exclaimed, getting distracted. Oh my...

"We should find some sacks, grab the money, and go," Kevin said.

"Oh, sacks like these?" Alyssa asked, gesturing towards a money sack dispenser. She took a few and started stuffing them with hundred dollar bills. The others soon joined in. A few minutes later, everyone had a couple sacks of cash each, and they went on their jolly way. As they got outside, Kevin took David's hand. The plumber looked at him, his right eye twitching.

"That's it!" Yoko screamed, charging at Kevin, who wasn't paying attention at all. Instead, he was losing himself in David's pale gray eyes.

----- End of Chapter -----


	8. Blonde Wrath

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, or the Digimon song.

**Chapter Eight - Blonde Wrath  
**

"Digimon, digital monsters. Digimon are the champions! Change... into digit-- Damn! Why do I have that stupid song stuck in my head? I've never even watched that show!" George yelled.

David chuckled. "But have you played the game?"

George hung his head in shame. "Yes..."

David had been kidding... He raised his left eyebrow at George questioningly. George saw this and raised two eyebrows. David countered by raising both his eyebrows until they hit his hairline. George alternated between his two eyebrows, and the two raced to see who could alternate the fastest. George gave up first.

"My eyebrows are weary. You are a worthy opponent," he said. David nodded in his silent, tuff guy way, but he was pretty happy on the inside.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Yoko were rolling around on the ground, duking it out. Kevin would logically win, of course - just look at the guy! But having girls, even crossdressing girls, get their asses whupped by a big guy is frowned upon. So, we'll let Yoko win. She stood up with a smile on her face, walking away from the mangled form of what used to be Kevin. To David's chagrin, she walked over to him and linked her arm through his.

"I told you, Yoko, I'm not interested," he said.

Yoko sighed. "Why, David? What's wrong with me?" she asked, turning away. She started sniffling and sobbing quietly.

David sighed, too. He hated it when a girl cried because of him... "There isn't anything wrong with you. You're just not my type," he said, patting her on the back.

"I can be your type, really! Just gimme a chance!" Yoko said.

_Now this is just getting sad,_ David thought. He was about to reply, but the cry of a distressed animal stole his attention.

"Can I step on your tail?"... "Yelp!"... "Can I step on your tail?"... "Yelp!"...

Cindy and Jim were watching while Alyssa stepped on a zombie dog's tail. It would move a few feet and then sit down again, only to have it's tail stomped on some more. Poor thing...

"Blondes...," Jim muttered, shaking his head.

"What?" Cindy demanded, highly offended.

"Blondes... They're stupid bitc--"

Jim never got to end his sentence, because a loud shriek interrupted him. Cindy raised her arms above her head, and the sky simultaneously began to darken and cloud over. As lightening bolts shot down from the sky, the enraged blonde incanted a few words in some foreign, ancient language, opening a portal to another world. The rift in the fabric of space and time spewed forth a mass of screeching, pink things. The mass swallowed Jim whole, and his last, terrified thought was: _Squirrels._ Besides eating him alive, the angry rodents committed another act, which I'd rather not name. Let's just say that the title, "Pink Squirrel Orgies" applies once again...

Anyway, the pink squirrels went back to their own world, leaving only a puddle of blood and a single pinky. The skies cleared as Yoko, David, and George walked over to the others.

The doctor looked at Cindy with a shocked expression on his face. "Cindy, did you just kill Jim?"

"Technically, the squirrels killed him, but it amounts to the same thing. Yes, George, I killed him," Cindy said. She looked at him sadly.

He looked down at the ground for a few moments, before meeting her eyes. Then he said, in a sincere tone, "Thank you. He was a curse upon this earth." Cindy sighed in relief. "But," he continued, "could you avoid killing anyone else?"

She thought it over, then nodded. "I'll do my best... It's just that I get this urge to kill."

"Don't worry; I get those, too. Especially around Jim. I find that playing violent video games helps," George said.

"Right, I'll try that," Cindy said.

And so, Cindy agreed to _try_ not to kill any more people. And our heroes continued on their way, trying to escape Raccoon City.

----- End of Chapter -----

Most of the credit for Jim's death goes to Ordrossal.


	9. Detour

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

**Chapter Nine – Deviation from the Storyline Pisses People Off**

The six survivors had been walking down the main road for some time.

"Anyone have an idea about where we're going?" Kevin asked. He sported a black eye, and possibly a broken finger, from his brawl with Yoko.

"I'm sure if we just keep going in one direction, we'll reach the edge of town," George said. He was walking arm-in-arm with Cindy.

"Yeah, but there's the problem of the zombies, and whatever else is running around out there. I took Mark's gun off his corpse, but I'm gonna run outta ammo before we get out of the city at this rate, so we'd better do something to arm ourselves," Kevin said.

"Ah, I suppose you're right... But where could we get weapons?" George wondered aloud.

Suddenly, a male, disembodied voice shouted, "RPD!", and then fell silent.

"You guys heard that, right?" Kevin asked. Cindy nodded. "Someone besides Cindy?" She frowned, her eyes glowing red. George patted her on the arm, and she calmed down a little.

"Yes...," the doctor said, looking confused.

"Oh, thank God. Well, the voice is right. The RPD's got handguns, shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, and probably some explosives," Kevin remarked thoughtfully.

"Thank you, Sweetboxer!" Cindy called abruptly, waving at nothing that they could see. Everyone stared at her. She shrugged, saying, "Demonic powers," like it explained everything.

"Riiight... Okay, we take a left up here if we wanna go to the RPD," Kevin said. They all turned left at the corner. As they came up to a dark alley, someone jumped out.

It was a woman in a dark yellow coat and a black skirt. She was panting, as though she'd just run a long way. And, she looked quite angry. She brandished a handgun at them, screaming:

"Do you know how long I stood in that frickin' freezing train room, waiting for you? DO YOU? I'll tell you how long...! Two... fucking... HOURS! I'm going to put a bullet in each of your heads!"

"Whoa! Calm down, lady! Who are you, and why were you waiting for us?" Kevin asked, raising his hands in what he hoped was a non-threatening way.

Yoko stepped forward. "Monica?"

"Yoko? I thought that was you... Why are you dressed like a man?" Monica asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kevin looked between the two, realization dawning in his eyes. He pointed at Yoko. "You... You're that girl! Ewww! And I was having dirty thoughts about you!" The others looked at him, either surprise or too-much-info written all over their faces. He blushed. "Uh... Nevermind..."

"Um... Oh yeah. How did you get out of the facility, Monica?" Yoko asked.

"Some idiot left the front door open... But never mind that! I need you to start the scenario, so I can take your ID card and get out!" Monica snapped.

"But...you _are_ out," David said.

Monica looked rather embarrassed, but still managed to look bitchy at the same time. "My car is parked in the lot at the end of the scenario..."

"Why should _we_ help _you_?" Kevin asked.

A female disembodied voice said, "Because she's going to die anyway, and then you can steal her car and _drive_ to the next scenario?"

"She's got a Jaguar," Yoko whispered to the others.

Everyone's eyes grew large and sparkly. Even David's... And Kevin was drooling a little.

"Alright, we'll do it," Kevin said with a nod. Everyone glared at him. He looked sheepish and said, "It's...it's a Jag, guys."

"Great. Now let's move," Monica said.

"Can't you just take the ID card from me now? You already have me at gunpoint, after all," Yoko said.

Monica thought it over. She had heard that she was going to die in the scenario, but maybe if these people weren't there, things would change for the better...

"Alright, hand it over," she said. Yoko patted various pockets on her ass, in her vest, and on her chest, finally locating the card. She handed it over.

Monica took it with a smirk. "Yoko, you little... Line?"

The female disembodied voice whispered, "Lifesaver. Yoko, you little lifesaver! God, I am _never_ hiring amateurs again..."

"Pff, bitch... Fine. Yoko, you little _lifesaver_. I'm so glad we had this chance to catch up!" And with that, the greedy skank spun around and ran off.

Kevin sighed in relief. "Glad that's over with."

"Aw, and I was kinda looking forward to the Hunters in Below Freezing Point. They're so senselessly violent!" Cindy said with a gleeful giggle.

"Note to self: Don't go anywhere that Cindy likes," Kevin said. He started forward.

About ten minutes later, they arrived at the Raccoon Police Department.

"It looks like this place held up alright...," Kevin commented. They stood outside the gate. "Hey, guys, let us in!" A bullet hit the ground near his feet. "What the--?"

An arm pulled back behind the double doors of the building. A voice called out through the slightly open door, "Dammit! Missed! Uh, go away, talking zombie! We have no meat for you to eat! Hey, that rhymes..."

"Fred, is that you?" Kevin asked.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME, TALKING ZOMBIE?" Fred cried in a frightened voice.

Kevin whispered to the others, "Fred's got some issues, if you couldn't tell." He turned back towards the gate. "Zombies can't talk, Fred! Hell, they can't even open doors! Now will you please let us in, before something comes along and eats us?"

"I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR ZOMBIE MIND TRICKS!" Fred screeched. He shot a few bullets into the air. "I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU!"

"Jesus Christ... Caps lock isn't supposed to be used like this," Kevin muttered, shaking his head. He looked up when he heard moans, too close to them for comfort. If Fred didn't get a lucky shot and hit one of them, then the zombies would surely get them. He had to think of something, quick.

"Uh, okay, officer," Kevin shouted. "You've got us, you smart bastard. We, the zombies, know that we're just gonna die if we try to fight you, so we surrender. Can we speak to your superior officer on the terms?"

There was a long silence.

"Alright," Fred said. He sounded pleased with himself. "I'll tell Marvin I captured some zombies. Hoo yeah! He'll promote me for sure!" The door closed all the way and the six stood waiting. Waiting...while some shuffling sounds grew closer. Everyone crowded close to Kevin, who was the only one with a loaded gun.

.o End of Chapter o.

I was running dry on ideas, and Sweetboxer made some suggestions. I didn't even have to ask him. How...nice... So, some credit goes to him for this chappy. Specifically, he came up with some of the Monica dialogue, as well as the gang going to the RPD. And we'll see some RE celebrities in the next chapter, his idea...


	10. Guest Star Fun!

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

More credit to Sweetboxer for this chapter. Thank you!

**Chapter Ten - Guest Star Fun  
**

_At the edge of the city..._

"First day on the joooob!" Leon said in a drunken, sing-song voice. "Gonna impress my boooss!" He took a swig of beer and the Jeep swerved into the other lane for a few seconds before he guided it back into the right lane. Luckily, he was the only one on the road.

The trees on the sides of the road were replaced by buildings as he reached Raccoon City. He was unaware of his foot depressing the gas pedal - hell, he was unaware of almost everything - and he was going sixty...seventy...eighty...and still accelerating. Even if he had seen the figure staggering across the road, he would have no chance of stopping or turning in time. Thus, he hit the old zombie lady, killing it instantly, and the Jeep went flying through the air.

"WHEEEEEEE!" the rookie cop squealed, giggling. The Jeep wrapped itself around a lamppost, about ten feet above the ground. He finally realized something was amiss, and as the front of the vehicle burst into flames, he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. Then he fell out and onto the pavement, crawling to relative safety, before his Jeep exploded.

"Aw, poo. I loved my Jeep...," he said. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he saw a crow in the middle of the road and stumbled towards it, arms outstretched.

"Oooh, birdie..."

.O.

_Back in front of the RPD..._

"Fred, I don't have time for this. We have to get into that underground passage if we want to get out of here!"

A tall, thin man opened the front door and stepped outside. He was in a police uniform. A black man with a beard, also in uniform, was following behind him. A look of surprise crossed the second man's face.

"Kevin?"

A crowd of zombies was closing in on our six survivors. Kevin was shooting a zombie in the head and kicking another while Cindy concentrated and made a third zombie's head explode. Everyone else cowered behind them. When Cindy was busy with one zombie, a pair of them grabbed each of Kevin's arms. He screamed like schoolgirl.

"David! Saaaave meeee!"

The plumber thought about if for a second. If he saved him again, that would probably just reinforce the guy's idea that David actually returned his affections. But he couldn't just let him die...

"Day-_vid!_"

With a sigh, David punched one of the zombies in the side of the head, freeing Kevin's arm so that he could shoot the other zombie. Before the first zombie could get up, David stomped on its head. Kevin reached out his arms for yet another hug.

"David, you saved me ag--"

"Behind you, idiot!"

The black cop shook his head at the scene. He knew Kevin fell for almost any good-looking guy that came along, but...in this sort of situation? It was a whole new level of stupid.

"Hey, you! You wanna let us in, or are you just going to watch us die?" Alyssa snapped.

He walked up and opened the gate. The six survivors charged through, and then he slammed the gate shut before the zombies could get in.

"Hey Marvin. What's up?" Kevin asked.

"Things aren't going so well. There are only a few of us left. We're going to get out of here..." Marvin told them the plan - collect the five puzzle pieces so that they could gain access to the crawlspace, and get out of the building. There was a collective groan among the newcomers.

"A puzzle? Dammit, I hate those. Who the hell makes a puzzle for a crawlspace in a police station?" Alyssa asked.

"A paranoid, art-collecting fat-man," Marvin replied. "Anyway, the sooner we start, the sooner we'll be done." He started for the door.

"Wait. We were promised weapons," Cindy said.

"It'll be tough to get to them... But we do have some left," Marvin said. Cindy's face formed into a grin that sent a chill down his spine.

"Let's split up and collect those puzzle pieces and weapons!" Kevin said.

"I call David!" Yoko said.

"You still haven't given up?" David asked. She shook her head.

"No, I'm going with David!" Kevin cried. He and Yoko looked ready to start fighting again.

"How about I go with David, and you two will go together? That way, neither of you is alone with him," Alyssa suggested.

"NO!" Yoko and Kevin said simultaneously.

"I refuse to be alone with either of you freaks," David said, crossing his arms.

"It's settled, then," Alyssa said. She grabbed David's arm and pulled him with her while walking through the front door.

"Hey!" Yoko and Kevin yelled. George and Cindy brushed past them and entered the building, too. The cop and the college student looked at each other, and sighed. They entered the building.

.O.

David and Alyssa stood beside a pair of double doors. They didn't go in there because there were two zombies staggering around, but they could hear some moaning and shuffling around the corner in this hallway, too.

"On second thought, maybe I should've gone with Kevin," David said quietly. "He's the only one with a gun. On third thought, I probably should've just punched him in the face and taken his gun."

Alyssa shushed him and peered around the corner. There was a zombie in a police uniform, walking down the hall in the other direction. She looked around for something to use against it, but couldn't find anything.

"Why don't you bitch at it until it can't take it anymore and kills itself?" David asked with a smirk.

Alyssa's face turned red and she opened her mouth to chew him out, but then she nodded. "It's worth a shot."

"I was kidding...," David said, but she was already going walking away.

"Hey! You!" Alyssa called. The zombie slowly turned around and stood there for a moment, swaying.

"You're supposed to be a cop! You know, protect and serve, not eat people's brains! If I did my job as poorly as you do...," she started. The zombie's rotted mouth frowned a little and it started towards her.

"Oh no you don't! You know I'm right! Eating me isn't gonna solve your problems!"

The zombie cocked its head, thinking something along the lines of, _Why doesn't she shut up, or at least scream and run away? _But of course, it wouldn't really be in words that we could understand. It's a zombie, for Chrissake.

"If you'd bathe every once in a while, and..." Alyssa continued.

_Several minutes later..._

The zombie was hitting its head on the wall as hard as it could, hoping to crush its already decaying head.

"And that's why our country's all fucked up! It's all your damn fault! You need to--"

The zombie let out an anguished moan and put its hands up to its ears. It then ran past Alyssa, running headlong into a wall at a top speed of four miles per hour, thinking, _If there is a God, let me dieeee! _

Nope, it was still alive. But now Alyssa spotted a piece of timber at the end of the hall, which she picked up. She walked back over to the zombie, who was standing there with its head down, and she hit it over the head with her newly acquired weapon. Its neck snapped and it died with a peaceful sigh.

"I never knew I could feel sorry for a zombie," David commented.

"Let's get going," Alyssa said, straightening her shirt. David followed without a word as she walked down the hall and through the next door.

.O.

A lone figure approached the RPD. He was battered, and his little finger was missing, but he was very much alive. The zombies turned around at the sound of his footsteps and approached him. In a show of superhuman power, he jumped over them, and the fence, in a single bound. Then he proceeded to enter the building.

.O.

A motorcycle roared into Raccoon, stopping outside a diner. A woman put up the kickstand and took off her helmet, placing it on her bike. Her long brown hair blew in the breeze; she put it up into a ponytail.

She wore a black unitard under a hot pink vest and matching short shorts. Yes, her sense of fashion was impeccable. And, she was wearing knee-high brown boots!

She walked into the diner.

"Damn, my ass hurts! I've been on that motorcycle all day!" she said. Then she noticed that there was no one in the diner. "Hey, anyone here? The sign on the door says open, you know."

The only reply was a slurping, smacking sound behind the counter. She walked around the counter to see a man in a cook's uniform, kneeling in front of a body.

"Uh, hope I'm not interrupting anything...," she said, backing away.

The man, or zombie for those of you who have figured it out already, turned around and moaned. Blood was dripping down its chin.

"Gross!" the woman yelled. She started backing away as the zombie stood up and walked towards her. She drew a knife from a sheath on her shoulder and jabbed it in the direction of the zombie.

"Back off! I've got a knife!" she cried. The undead monstrosity continued towards her. If it could have laughed at the patheticness of her weapon, it would have. "Why aren't you listening to me?"

.o End of Chapter o.


	11. Guest Stars, Round 2: The Blonds

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Well, it took me long enough to update, didn't it? I was busy catching up on anime and not feeling like writing. But I'm back!

**Chapter Eleven - More Guest Stars! This Time, Blond and Useless!  
**

"No! Don't go!" Leon cried, a single tear sliding down his cheek as the murder of crows flew away from him. He then felt something grab onto his ankle, and he looked down to see that the body, which the crows had been feeding on, was moving. He frowned.

"Did you scare the birdies away?" Leon asked. The zombie moaned. That was answer enough for Leon; he drew his pistol from its holster and shot the zombie in the head. Well, it took a few tries, but he killed it eventually. Then he looked around, wondering what to do now. That's when he spotted the zombie dog in the alley, eating some other corpse.

"Ooh! You're cuter than a birdie!" he cried in a delighted voice. He started towards the dog, which raised its head and growled. As Leon reached his arms out in a give-me-a-hug gesture, the zombie dog ran towards him on its tiny legs and clamped its mouth on his sleeve. Luckily, the zombie dog was a Chihuahua, so its teeth didn't break even the skin.

"Awww. He likes me!" Leon declared. Just then, the door nearby burst open, and the woman in the horrible pink-and-black outfit ran out. She stared at Leon for a second. He was standing there cuddling the Chihuahua with a grin on his face. Then she noticed the gun at his hip.

"Shoot it!" she cried, running past him.

"But... I wuv Burrito...," Leon whined. The woman grabbed his head and turned it in the direction of the zombie stumbling out of the building.

"Ohhh... It's another one," the cop said. He put the dog on the ground and patted it on the head, and then he drew his gun and shot at the zombie. He hit it a few times in the chest, then finally the head.

"Your aim sucks ass," the woman pointed out.

"Thanks," Leon said. He put his gun away. "So, what's your name?"

"Claire Redfield."

"Redfield... that sounds familiar. Uhhhh..." Leon stared off into space, trying to think of where he'd heard the name.

"God, what a dumbass...," Claire muttered. "You probably heard of him at the RPD. You're a cop, right?" Leon looked down at his uniform and nodded. "And what's your name?"

"Uhhh..."

"Jesus Christ, I don't have time for this!" Claire shouted. She grabbed Leon's hand and led him out of the alley.

"Burritooo!" Leon called, looking back. The dog went back to the dead body.

Claire spotted three more zombies approaching them from the right. She then noticed an abandoned police car nearby. She found keys in the ignition; it looked like the previous occupants of the car had left in a hurry. She quickly started the car up and drove away as the zombies reached the vehicle.

Zombie #1: Groan groan moany moan (Aw, man. She was totally hot.)  
Zombie #2: Groany groooan moan groan (Sorry, Brad. You'll get her next time.)  
Zombie #3: Groan moan moooan groan (Wait, wasn't she your friend's sister?)  
Zombie #1: Groan groan groan moan groan... (Well, I wouldn't call him my friend. I did abandon him in the woods...)

.o.

Kevin quickly slammed open the door and swept the room with his handgun, looking around for any threats. He found none. He motioned for Yoko to come in.

"I've always wanted to come in here," Kevin said quietly.

"Doesn't look like anything special to me," Yoko grumbled, looking around the STARS office.

Kevin rushed over to one of the desks and hugged it. "This is the desk he used!" Then he hugged the chair. "This is where his fine ass sat!" Then he hugged the computer. "This is where he kept his porn!"

"Hey, we're here to find those puzzle things, or at least some weapons. So let's get to it," Yoko said.

Kevin looked up with sad, puppy-dog eyes. Then he gasped.

"What? Is there something behind me?" Yoko asked worriedly. Kevin screamed.

.o.

Leon was having fun with the siren while Claire drove. She figured the RPD would be the best place to check, since Chris had worked there. And with all these zombies around, it was probably the safest place, too.

As she hit another zombie, sending it flying into the windshield and over the car, she heard a small noise in the back seat. She wasn't quite sure what it was, but she couldn't really look. She was about to ask Leon to check it out when he cried, "Leon S. Kennedy!"

"Huh?"

"Leon S. Kennedy. That's my name, don't wear--"

Suddenly, a very loud, girlish laugh permeated the vehicle. An arm, garbed in red, wrapped around Claire's neck. She swerved and barely managed to stop before hitting a brick wall.

"Get the fuck off me!" Claire screamed. She tugged at the arm, and found that she could pull it off her neck very easily. Whoever it was had no upper-body strength.

"I'll get you, Claire Redfield! You shall not sully the name Ashford while I'm around!"

"A-Alfred?"

"Mmmyess. I'm here for my big debut!"

"You moron! This isn't Resident Evil: Code Veronica!"

"So what? My grandfather was one of the original founders of Umbrella. That makes me a very important person! I should be in any game I want."

"This isn't even a game! It's just a fanfic!"

"Oh, well then. I don't suppose it's even worthy of having me in it. And it would be downright insulting for Alexia if she had come along..."

"Right. So just... shoo," Claire said, waving her hand.

"Alright. Ta ta," Alfred said, climbing out of the back of the car and walking down the street. He started singing, "I Feel Pretty", at which point Claire slammed the door shut and continued driving.

.o.

"OMIGAWD!" Kevin squealed. "Captain Wesker, what are you doing here?"

"I forgot my spare pair of sunglasses," Wesker replied coolly.

Kevin got up and ran over to him. "Oh Captain! I was so scaaared! Will you protect me?" He latched onto Wesker's arm.

Yoko was making gagging sounds. Wesker tried to get the cop off, but he seemed to be having difficulty. "Get a hold of yourself! You're a police officer, so act like one!"

"Don't be so cold! I was worried about you, you know! You went to that Spencer Estate and didn't come back...," Kevin said, tears in his eyes.

"Well, I'm fine, so let go of me before I shoot you," Wesker growled.

"Oh, alright..."

Wesker brushed off his sleeve, then walked over to the desk, where he searched through a drawer and came up with a pair of black sunglasses. He tucked them into his pocket and headed back to the door.

"Can you help us get out of here, Captain?" Kevin asked eagerly.

"Actually, I'm not a Captain anymore. And no, I won't help you. First off, you won't be able to take my escape route, because you're only human. And second, I fucking hate you." With that, Wesker jumped out the second story window and was gone.

Kevin just stood staring after him, tears streaming down his face. Yoko gingerly patted him on the back, and he grabbed her and cried on her shoulder.

----- End of Chapter -----

Okay, a few of Alfred's lines were taken from "I Am Resident Evil". I really love that, btw. You can find it on newgrounds dot com.


	12. Tacos and Sausages

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

Thanks to Sweetboxer for giving me some help in this chapter.

**Chapter Twelve – Tacos and Sausages**

Kevin continued bawling like a five-year old that had just fallen down a flight of stairs, while Yoko made some half-assed attempts to comfort him.

"I'm sure you'll get him eventually. It's okay," she said monotonously.

"But he hates me!" Kevin wailed.

"Well, I hate you, too. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't have pity sex with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah...," Yoko said, slightly creeped out by how happy he seemed at that. She then recalled him saying he had dirty thoughts about her. "But this wouldn't be a good time, would it?"

"You're right. But I'm going to hold you to it," Kevin replied with a vaguely threatening grin.

Yoko backed away from him and out into the hall, where she walked right into a zombie.

.o.

George and Cindy stepped over the fifth zombie corpse and opened the door to the underground parking lot. They had found one puzzle piece already, and they hoped the others were doing as well.

"But I have a feeling they haven't found anything yet," Cindy said with a sigh.

"Is that some other special power you have?" George asked.

"Nope. It's just that they're all so freakin' stupid..."

"Oh. I see."

As the pair passed a black van, someone stepped out from behind it. George didn't notice, but Cindy did. She turned around and an expression of mild surprise crossed her face.

"Yeah, bitch. It's me. And I'm here to get payback for this," Jim said, holding up his hand and wiggling the little nub of a pinky.

"Oh, come on. It's not like you didn't deserve it," she said with a smirk.

"I'm gonna enjoy killin' you...," Jim growled, taking a step towards Cindy. She tensed, preparing for whatever he might throw at her.

He bit his thumb, drawing a tiny amount of blood, and slammed it on the ground, yelling, "Summoning no jutsu!" A figure appeared, obscured by the cloud of white smoke...

.o.

Yoko screamed as the zombie grabbed her shoulders, moving its head toward her neck. Just as she was chastising herself for not paying attention, and thinking it would be the last mistake she ever made, there was a gunshot from nearby. The zombie's head blew apart, sending blood, bits of skull, and gray matter flying. Yoko made a face as some of the rotting stuff got on her face, but she was happy to be alive.

"Yoko, are you alright?" Kevin asked, running over.

"Yeah, thanks. You saved my life, Kevin," she said.

"Actually, I didn't do it," he said, looking to the right at a woman standing nearby.

She was a pretty brunette with short hair and pale blue eyes. She wore a blue tube top and a black mini-skirt.

"Well, thank you...," Yoko trailed off, not knowing her name.

"Jill Valentine."

"Yeah, thanks, Jill. I'm Yoko Suzuki, and this is Kevin Ryman," Yoko said.

"Yoko? Isn't that a girl's name?" Jill asked, looking her up and down.

"Yeah. It's a long story...," Yoko said with a little chuckle.

"Well, that's all right. Girls, guys, it's all good," Jill said, winking.

Kevin and Yoko just stared.

"Um, tacos and sausages are equally tasty?" Jill tried.

"Oh yeah, I love tacos. Ooh, the Crunchwrap Supreme at Taco Bell rocks, too," Kevin said, drooling.

"Um, that's not what she... Oh, never mind," Yoko said with a sigh.

Jill put an arm over each of their shoulders. "So, I wasn't eavesdropping, but I thought I heard you guys saying something about sex. Care to make it a threesome?"

"What are you, a nympho?" Yoko asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, that's what my psychologist tells me. Actually, I haven't taken my pills in the past few days," Jill said thoughtfully.

"Right...," Yoko muttered, scooching away from Jill. "Well, we're supposed to be looking for puzzle pieces and/or weapons. We'd better be off."

"Hey, I can help you! I used to work here!" Jill said with an I'm-so-helpful grin.

"I don't think that's--"

"Yeah, we could definitely use the help. We've found nothing so far," Kevin said. Yoko glared at him.

"It's settled then. We're a team!" Jill announced. She put her arms around Yoko and Kevin's waists and started down the hall.

.o.

"God dammit, would you stop that!" Claire yelled, slapping Leon's hand away from the radio.

"But I wanna listen to Britney Spears!" Leon whined.

"No! No pop!"

"But- Oh, we just passed the RPD."

"What? Shit! Stop distracting me!" Claire said, turning the car around and running over a zombie at the same time, then heading into the garage entrance.

.o.

The smoke cleared to reveal... Alexia Ashford, wearing a beautiful red dress.

"Wow, it worked!" Jim said excitedly. "My first evil spell!"

"Why am I here?" Alexia asked, narrowing her eyes dangerously.

"Uh, to help me kill her?"

"And why ever would I do such a thing? Just look at her. She has 'slut' written all over her. I might catch something!"

We zoom in on Cindy's face to see her eye twitch. She lets out an angry cry then charges at Alexia.

"If you insist on attacking me, I suppose I'll be forced to fight back," Alexia said in a bored tone. She waved her hands and...nothing happened. Cindy was already close enough to hit her opponent, and she chose to employ a swift kick to the crotch.

"That ain't gonna do nothin'! She's a super-powered _chick_!" Jim said smugly.

But Alexia whimpered and collapsed on the ground, clutching her nether region. Before anyone could get out a "WTF!", Cindy explained:

"This is _not _Alexia Ashford."

"You mean... Alfred?" Jim cried.

"Oh, the pain... Er, yes, it's me. Alexia refused to come at your call, but someone had to appear, so...," Alfred said. His voice was slightly higher than usual, bringing him to... I dunno, a female talking chipmunk?

"Man, you gotta stop doing everything that bitch says. Have some pride!" Jim said.

"What! Did you just call my queen a bitch!" Alfred cried indignantly, getting to his feet. He started hitting Jim on the chest with as much force as he could muster, which is not much.

"It seems that you can't get anything right, Jim. Even after being endowed with magical powers," Cindy said, shaking her head.

Before Jim could respond, there was a squeal of tires from the garage entrance. A squad car roared in, with pop blasting out the open windows. Everyone simply stared, until they realized the car wasn't stopping, at which point, Cindy grabbed George and ducked behind a concrete pillar. Alfred screamed like the woman he wished he was and poofed back to wherever the hell he had come from. Jim was not quite as quick.

.o.

"How many fucking times did I tell you! Huh? Huh?" Claire screamed, strangling Leon right after he changed the radio station yet again. He weakly raised his arm and pointed in front of the car, where Jim was about two feet from the bumper. Claire didn't even have her hands on the wheel at this point, so it's no surprise, nor is it very upsetting, that Jim got run over. Now he's dead. Hooray.

But Claire hadn't known the annoying evil that had been Jim, and so she _was_ rather upset that she'd just run him over. Thus, a string of the worst obscenities one could imagine came pouring out of her mouth. Leon, who was turning blue from the hands still clamped around his throat, would have gasped if he could.

Claire quickly pressed down on the brake and finally grabbed the steering wheel, sending the car skidding along and finally coming to a stop with no more casualties. She quickly got out of the car and ran over to Jim, only to find a pile of ashes.

"What the hell?" she muttered.

"Oh, that's perfectly normal," Cindy said, stepping out from behind the pillar. She and George walked over to where Claire was standing.

"I see... Well, I guess it's no weirder than all this other shit," Claire said. They all looked over at the car, where Leon was turning up the music.

----- End of Chapter -----

Sorry, but I couldn't resist putting in that "Summoning no jutsu". It's a Naruto reference, for those of you who don't know. That's probably most of you. Anyway, please review!


	13. Mission Accomplished

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

Thanks to everybody for your reviews. This chapter is dedicated to all of you XD

**Chapter Thirteen - Mission Accomplished**

Jill walked them down to the office with the safe, her hands still on her companions' waists. Yoko was blushing furiously, leaning away from Jill, while Kevin was either oblivious or indifferent.

"Well, there should be a puzzle piece in here. I think I heard Irons mentioning it at one point...," Jill said, bending down in front of the safe and shaking her booty in front of Yoko. She fiddled around with the dial, not quite remembering the combination. Finally, she got it open, muttering, "I knew it was either eight or nine."

She pulled out an onyx plate and held it up. "Got it."

"Great. Let's get back to that statue," Yoko said.

"Hey, don't I get a reward for my help?" Jill asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Um... Thanks?" Yoko said, backing away.

"That's not gonna be enough, baby. I want a kiss," Jill said, puckering her lips.

"Guys? Hate to break up the lesbian make-out session, but there're a couple of zombies headed this way," Kevin said from the doorway.

"Well, shoot them! You've got a gun, right?" Yoko said. She turned to see that he was wrestling with one zombie and trying to shoot the other. It wasn't going well.

"I'll take care of it," Jill said. She raised her gun and took one zombie out with a perfect head shot, then killed the other. Kevin stepped back with a sigh of relief.

"Thanks, Jill. I shouldn't have let them sneak up on me like that...," Kevin said.

"It's not like they're silent, Kevin; they shuffle and _moan_. What the hell were you doing?" Yoko asked.

"Painting my nails! Aren't they pretty?" he replied, holding up his hands and showing them his purple nails. Yoko bitch slapped him.

"Get serious! Either that, or give me your gun!" she ordered.

"Fine, fine. I'll pay more attention next time," Kevin grumbled. As the three started walking to the door, he continued. "...Do you think David will like them?"

.o.

Claire told Cindy and George about her quest to find her brother, and they explained the situation to Claire, asking for her help.

"Well, that car's still working, so why don't we just drive that out of here?" she asked.

"There are just too many people. There are eight of us, plus you two, and a few police officers...," George said.

"Oh, fuck them! We can just get out of here, the four of us! I'm not sticking around and finding some stupid puzzle pieces; it's way too dangerous."

"But what about your brother? Don't you need to find him, anway?"

"Oh, right. I forgot... Then I guess I'll stay a little longer."

"Good. And while you're looking for him, you can keep an eye out for the puzzle pieces."

"Fine. Hey, do either of you have weapons? All I've got is this knife, and that's pretty damn useless..."

"Nope, sorry. We rely on Cindy's demonic powers, if that's what they are."

"...O-kay... Well, I guess I'll take Leon and look around, since he's got a gun. Or maybe I'll just steal his gun and leave him to die..."

"No you won't! My mommy gave me this gun for my birthday!" Leon cried from the car.

"Your _mom_ gave _you_ a gun? Wasn't she worried you'd shoot yourself in the foot?"

"...Yeah... But I'm a cop, so... Hey, that was mean!"

Claire pointed at him and laughed for a full minute before saying, "Okay, let's go."

.o.

"Hey, Ben! Looks like you finally got what you deserve," Alyssa called with a grin.

"Shut up, you bitch. You know you're a lot more corrupt than me," Ben replied.

"I can believe it...," David muttered.

"What was that, Davie? Do you want the treatment I gave to the zombie?" Alyssa asked sweetly.

His face paled. "Uh, no. I'm good."

"Great. So what're you in for, Ben?"

"Actually, I locked myself in. These bars can keep those things out as well as they keep criminals in," the reporter replied. "Anyway, what are you two doing here?"

"We thought they might have some weapons. Now we're stuck looking for some puzzle pieces..."

"Oh, you mean like this?" Ben asked, holding up an emerald plate. He smirked when Alyssa's eyes widened.

"Gimme that!" she cried, reaching towards it. He held it out of her reach and waved a finger.

"I'm not giving it to you for free..."

"What do you want, then? If we don't have that, we can't get outta here."

"A man on the inside gets lonely, if you know what I mean..."

Alyssa deadpanned. "Get serious, Ben."

"Okay... Gimme twenty bucks."

"Twenty bucks? You asshole! You're going to put a price on our lives?"

"Yup. Take it or leave it."

"...Fine," Alyssa growled, taking a twenty out of her wallet and handing it over. Ben snatched it and then gave her the plate.

"Nice doing business with you."

.o.

The three groups had each gotten a plate, so they all returned to the lobby.

"Hey, you guys got one, too!" Kevin said, waving to David and Alyssa.

"Yeah. And you seem to have picked someone up," David replied.

"Well, she just kind of tagged along...," Yoko explained. "But she did save us."

"And I helped you find that plate, for which you still owe me one," Jill added. The three groups went up to the statue and saw that two pieces were already in it.

"I managed to find a piece, and so did Rita," Marvin explained.

"Thank God! We're done with this shit!" Alyssa sighed. She put one plate in the statue, then Jill placed hers in, then George. Once they were all in, the statue rose to reveal a crawlspace.

"...That's it? A hole?" David asked flatly.

"Well, someone can crawl through it and get help," Marvin replied.

"That's a pretty sucky plan," David commented. "We were already outside, and we didn't really find anyone. And most of the city's probably dead, so I doubt there're people to help you. Besides, you're the cops, so you should be the ones helping others, not the other way around..."

"Hey, it's the best we could come up with, okay?" Marvin snapped.

"Calm down, Marvin. It's okay. And I'd better be going," Rita said. She walked over to the statue and went into the crawlspace.

----- End of Chapter -----

I don't think this was a very funny chapter, but it's what I came up with... I'll try to do it better next time.


	14. Off We Go

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

**Chapter Fourteen - Off We Go  
**

Claire and Leon had left in the car after it'd become apparent that Chris wasn't in the building. Jill had decided to stay with Yoko, claiming that the Asian cross dresser still owed her one.

The gang was sitting on the steps while they waited for Rita to come back. No one had much hope of that, but they were playing along for Marvin's sake. And they had nothing better to do. Oh yeah, except for escape the city alive.

"I'm bored...," Kevin whined.

"So am I. What can we do...?" George wondered. Then he got an idea. He whispered to Kevin, "Let's go provoke Alyssa. It's always entertaining to watch her get angry. That, and all the bullies seemed to be having fun when they were hurting _my_ feelings..."

"Great idea!"

The pair walked over to where Alyssa was sitting.

"Whaddaya want...?" she asked, eyes narrowed.

"Why don't you just go out and feed the zombies? You'll be doing the world a favor in so many ways," Kevin said with a smirk.

"Ouch, that really hurts. This coming from the mentally handicapped and delusional _pig_," Alyssa said. She looked down and started to clean under her nails.

"Pig...?" Kevin sniffed, looking genuinely hurt.

"She means you're a police officer. I'm sure your hygiene is...acceptable," George said. He dropped his voice. "Stay focused. Don't let her turn this around on you."

"Oh, right," Kevin whispered back. He looked at Alyssa again. "No, seriously. When's the last time you had a date, you hag? You probably have cobwebs down there."

"Like I said: you're delusional. You think you're doing any better? You're going after a guy who's either straight, or willing to lie about his preferences to avoid having anything to do with you."

"LIES!" Kevin exclaimed. "Don't you dare talk about him that way, you socially-retarded bitch! You're the one who wants to do it with a man-woman! _And_ you're growing a mustache! No one wants to hit dat!"

"Plus, you're ugly."

Kevin and George looked over to see that David had decided to join in. The plumber shrugged.

"I was bored, too," he explained.

"Oh Davie, now we can have fun together!" Kevin sighed.

"No. Leave me alone," David growled. He turned away, arms crossed.

"He's such a tease," Kevin told George.

"I don't think that's teasing...," George said. But Kevin wasn't listening. Meanwhile, Alyssa was sobbing quietly, her self-esteem in tatters. As everyone continued to wait (and not care about Alyssa's feelings), the doors to their left opened, and a woman stepped out. She had black hair, and was wearing a purplish-red dress over a pair of tights.

"Hey, has anyone seen a guy with long brown hair, kinda slow in the head, and wearing a police uniform? I'm supposed to meet him somewhere in here...," she said.

"What's wrong with your clothes?" Kevin cried out. He was ignored.

"Yes, we have seen him. But, he left with a woman named Claire... They drove off in a police car," George said.

"Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have stopped for lunch. Well, I gotta get going. See ya." The woman in the red dress went back through the door and was gone.

While the gang looked after her, wondering who she was, a black van crashed through the front gate, driven by none other than the cowardly fat man from earlier in the game, Harry.

"God dammit! My gate!" Marvin cried.

"Who gives a shit? The rest of the building has gone to hell, anyway," Alyssa said. It seemed that she'd recovered from the insults already. Or, she was putting on a tough facade to cover up her true feelings, as so many of us do...

"What was that about?" Kevin asked the narrator.

"I dunno, I felt like making a social comment. Fuck off," the narrator replied.

"Fine. You don't have to be a bitch about it...," he grumbled. He followed the others out the front doors. As he stepped outside, he looked over the group that had assembled. "Hey, Marv, where'd Fred go...?"

"Fred...? Oh! Holy shit, you remembered him!" Marvin replied.

"Uh, yeah..."

"Well, he's dead..."

"What hap--"

"Oh sweet Jesus!" Marvin screamed as a zombie bit his shoulder. He shot it several times in the torso until it went down. Kevin pulled out his .45, seeing that the van was swarmed with zombies. They'd have to fight their way through.

Cindy was tearing off zombie heads left and right, the cops were shooting (except for Harry, who sat in the van, looking scared), David was hitting zombies with his wrenches, while everyone else tried to get closer to the van without being bitten. Finally, the group managed to kill most of the nearby zombies, creating a path to the van. They all ran to it and hopped into the back.

Marvin was moving slowly due to his wound and blood loss, and he reached it last. As he put his foot up and started pulling himself up, someone laid a hand on his forehead and pushed him back. He fell on the ground with a startled cry.

"What the hell was that for?" he demanded, struggling to get back up.

"Sorry, but you're infected. We can't take you with us," Cindy said with a small smile.

"You can't leave me here to get eaten alive! Maybe there's a cure!" Marvin said.

"Yeah, there is. But I just don't like you. And I like bloodshed. If you make a run for it, maybe you can make it back into the building without getting eaten," Cindy said, waving. The van started forward as Marvin reached towards it.

"Nooooo!" he screamed melodramatically.

Rita looked over at his cry. "Oh, shit. Um... Marvin, nooo!" she said with little enthusiasm. Cindy pulled the doors closed and they drove away.

"Those bastards! Oh well, at least I'll make an appearance in RE2...," Marvin said. He ducked as a zombie reached for him, and he made his way to the doors of the RPD.

.o.

"I wonder if Marvin survived?" Yoko said as the van went down the road.

"I don't know... I just wish I could've been there to see him being torn limb from limb, and then consumed," Cindy said wistfully.

"You're so beautiful when you're evil and bloodthirsty," George said, holding her hand.

"Aw, that's so sweet," she replied. The two proceeded to make out, which grossed everyone out, again.

----- End of Chapter -----

Where should the gang go next? It could be a scenario, or a whole new place. Please tell me in your review. You know, that thing you're supposed to be writing every chapter!


	15. Descent

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

Hm, we have one vote for Underbelly, one for Decisions, Decisions, and one for the Spencer Estate. I guess I'll have to make my own choice after all. Oh well. BTW, thanks for reviewing last chapter. Much better...

I think I will do Underbelly, then we'll wrap this thing up with DD. Unless anyone else has some input...?

**Chapter Fifteen - Descent**

They were driving along in the van, on their way out of the city...

"We're almost there, guys!" Harry the fat cop called back to everyone.

"Yes! I can't wait to get home and take a bath! It's been like six days since I took one!" Jill said.

"But...the outbreak's only been going on for like two days," Yoko pointed out.

"I know."

At this point, Yoko took Jill's arm off her waist and scooched away as far as she could. So that was what that smell was...

Up front, Harry was talking to himself:

"Wow, I can't believe I survived all this. I mean, I'm not really equiped for this sort of thing, what with my tendency to go into a mind-numbing panic, and my inability to run further than a few yards... Speaking of being slow and overweight, I'm hungry..."

He opened the glove box and started rooting around. He found a bag of mini Chips Ahoy. As he pulled it out and sat up, he saw that the car was headed towards a parked car. He jerked the steering wheel to the left, away from the curb, but didn't turn in time to avoid the vehicle. They crashed into the back of it.

"Whoa!" David cried as he was sent into the wall of the van. He grunted as Kevin was thrown against his side.

"What the hell is going on up there, Harry?" the cop asked, making no move to get off the plumber.

"Uh... We have a problem," came the reply.

"What kind of problem?"

Harry didn't even bother trying to start the van up again. The front was completely crushed. He reached for the door handle to get out, and screamed when he saw the rotted face pressing against the window.

"What is it now?" David barked. He pushed Kevin off and sat up. When more screaming was the only response to his question, he stood up, went to the back of the van, and threw open the doors. "...This doesn't look good."

They were pretty exposed, the van being on the side of the street with some scattered zombies quickly closing in.

"Everyone, we need to get out of here and find some shelter. Looks like we've crashed and the van is useless. Let's go," David said.

"Oh Davie, you're such a great leader!" Kevin said, ruining the serious mood as he glomped David.

"Stop calling me that!" David snapped. He tried to get out of the cop's bear hug, but he was clamped on tight. "Dammit, we need to get out of here. So GET. OFF. ME!"

"Oh, sorry. It was just seeing you standing there, taking command and being so damn sexy...," Kevin mumbled.

"...Anyway, come on," David muttered. They all unloaded from the back and looked around quickly for some cover. They spotted the subway entrance and headed for that.

"Oh wait, what about him?" Jill asked, gesturing towards Harry, who was screaming hysterically as a zombie broke through the driver's seat window.

"Um... I guess we should save him...," Kevin said, sounding unenthusiastic. He raised his handgun and shot the zombie in the head. Then he ran over, dodging zombies, and threw open the door.

"Somebody save me! Mommy! Fluffy! Anyo-- Oh!" Harry was yelling. Kevin grabbed his arm and yanked him out, leading him towards the subway entrance, where everyone else was already going underground.

Running down the stairs, Harry began to regain control of himself. He turned to Kevin.

"Thanks for saving me! Especially after I caused this...," he said.

"Eh, you probably couldn't help it. Don't blame yourself, Harry. Things are crazy around here," Kevin said.

"Well, I probably shouldn't have been digging around for a snack at a time like that, but I guess you're right!"

Kevin stopped running and turned his head slowly towards the other cop. "You mean, you were...looking for something to eat...while driving the van? When we were so close to escaping, and our lives were pretty much in your hands?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that...," Harry said sheepishly.

"Oh, we'll forgive you...," Kevin said with a pleasant smile on his face. David came up behind Harry; his face was in shadow, and music that gave off a sense of danger was playing in the background. David raised an oversized wrench and swung it as hard as he could at the side of Harry's head. The cop fell to the ground with a cry of pain, his glasses falling down the steps.

"What the--" he managed, before everyone descended upon him and beat him to a bloody pulp. Somewhere along the way, he lost an arm.

...And then they walked away, leaving his body broken and bleeding on the stairs.


	16. Love of an Idiot

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

**Chapter Sixteen – Love of an Idiot**

The six remaining members of the group, plus Rita and Jill, started down the stairs into the subway. Yoko felt that Jill was uncomfortably close to her, David felt that Kevin was uncomfortably close to him, and everyone felt that Cindy and George were uncomfortably close to each other, as in they were all over each other. Of course, the couple was oblivious to everyone else's discomfort.

"Enough of that, you two. We need to be prepared for whatever might be down here," David said. He shot a look of warning at Kevin as the cop started rubbing up against him and ogling him. Kevin gave him puppy dog eyes.

"Don't worry about us; I can protect both of us easily. You should be more concerned about yourself," Cindy said as she briefly came up for air.

"Okay, then how about the fact that you're just creeping us all out?" Alyssa asked. "Will you stop for that?"

Cindy seemed to think about it, then smirked. "No."

"Bi--," Alyssa began, but then she remembered what happened to Jim...

"That's what I thought," Cindy said.

Alyssa crossed her arms and pouted. She was getting tired of Cindy's bad attitude, but she couldn't do anything about it. Maybe if everyone worked together, they could take that bitch down...

"Good idea!" Kevin exclaimed.

"I could hear her, too. Maybe I should kill you both for plotting against me," Cindy threatened.

"You can't kill the narrator!" Kevin replied.

"I was talking about Alyssa."

"Who's talking about what?" Alyssa demanded.

"I'm confused!" Yoko said.

"Stop talking; I want to make out," George said, grabbing Cindy around the waist.

"You're the only one who gets to tell me what to do, babe," she replied.

At this point, they'd gone down the stairs and entered a room with a pair of staircases and a door on either side.

"Oh look, a zombie!" Jill cried, pointing.

"Why do you feel a need to point out the obvious?" Yoko asked.

"I hadn't said anything yet recently...," Jill sniffed.

"Well, no one cares about you, because you aren't really part of our group," Yoko muttered.

"How could you say such a thing?" Jill wailed, running off. Rita went to follow her, and was promptly eaten by a zombie.

"Well, that was easy." Yoko sidled up to David. "Now we can get on with it...," she said seductively.

"Get on with what?" David asked gruffly.

"Oh, you know," the Japanese girl replied, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Not the eyebrows again," David sighed.

"Uh, little help?" Kevin called suddenly. They turned to see him being chased by a pair of zombies.

"You can outrun them. Probably," David said, shrugging.

"I thought you loved me!" Kevin squealed.

"Nope."

"I knew it! So we should get it on right now!" Yoko cried, already trying to pull her shirt over her head.

"Uh, I mean... Coming, Kevie," David growled, running after Kevin with a wrench in hand.

"Dammit! I'm going to be a virgin FOREVER!" Yoko whined, pulling her shirt back down.

"Well, I could help you out with that," Alyssa said, putting her hand on Yoko's shoulder.

"You _do_ know I'm a female, right?" Yoko asked.

"Yeah. I've decided to settle for what I can get," Alyssa sighed.

"Yes, let's settle! Erase the pain of David rejecting me!" Yoko agreed. The pair ran off to find a janitor's closet or something.

David took a good swing with his oversized wrench and knocked one zombie out. The second one turned around to attack the new threat. Before it could take another step, it was shoved aside and it hid a wall, also unconscious, or dead. Kevin ran into David's arms.

"I knew you'd come through!" he said happily.

David looked around and saw that Yoko was out of sight. "I only did it to get that cross dresser off my back," he said.

"You don't mean that," Kevin whimpered, looking up into David's face. "Besides, the fans want some KevinxDavid action... The narrator told me so."

David narrowed his eyes. "You're lying."

"Oh, come on. We're the hottest people around; who wouldn't want to see us together?"

"You...you can't make me!" David roared, running away.

Ahaha, you can't run from me, my shmexy plumber...

----- End of Chapter -----

Sorry it's short _and_ long delayed, but...well that's the way it went. But, I am flattered that you give a damn.


	17. Forever Dimness

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

Oh, I miss Jim... But bringing him back -again- would be...lame.

**Chapter Seventeen - Forever Dimness**

Alyssa took a drag on her cigarette as she stood by the bunk bed in the break room. Yoko got up and straightened her shirt, looking dazed.

"That was...weird," the brunette stated.

"What, your first time with a woman?" Alyssa questioned.

"Yes, wasn't it yours?"

"Nope."

"Oh..."

Cue awkward silence. Alyssa nudged Ben's body with her toe, drawing Yoko's attention to it once again.

"Erm, don't you think you went overboard?" she asked.

"Nah, he deserved it."

_Flashback:_

_"Ahah! I knew you were a lesbo! That's the only reason anyone would refuse to date me!" Ben cried, taking snapshots of the pair as one spanked the other._

_"Did your mother tell you that, to spare your feelings?" Alyssa asked, reaching for the camera while still whacking Yoko's ass with a paddle that they'd found somewhere._

_"N-no! It's the truth!" He jerked back as he took some more pictures._

_"Like you know anything about 'truth'... Well, the world will be rid of you soon enough..."_

_"...What are you _doing_? Where do you think you're putting that? That's not meant for _that!_"_

_End Flashback  
_  
"Yeah, I've never see a nail file used in that way," Yoko said blankly.

Alyssa shrugged. "I like to get creative. I have to, since my partners are often a bit...lacking. No offense."

"Well, it _was_ my first time... Anyway, I guess we should catch up to the others," Yoko sighed, thinking of David again and feeling a pang of sadness.

oOo

David leaned against the wall to catch his breath. He'd finally lost the overly-affectionate cop.

"I know you're there! I demand that you stop trying to get me with Kevin!" he called out.

As if in answer, a zombie appeared 'round the corner and started toward him.

"Hey, I'm trying to have a conversation here," David growled. He took out knife and performed a triple slash, spraying blood on the wall nearby and bringing the zombie down. Looking down to make sure the zombie was dead, he saw that the blood had created a noticable pattern - some writing.

_Sorry, Dave, but you'll go with the flow if you know what's good for you. After all, I don't have to stop at a cute little kissing scene. This could turn much more physical, if you refuse to cooperate..._

David paled as a scene suddenly appeared in his head: Kevin in his arms, playing the plumber's ponytail, while David pulled off the other man's shirt. Then the pants...and off to find some lube...

"Oh God no!" he yelled, grabbing his head. "Make it stop, or I'll kill myself right now!"

The mental images dissipated, leaving behind only fear. He slooked around apprehensively to see if Kevin was anywhere near him, and sighed in relief when he saw that he was alone. But, he would either have to go back and face Kevin, or go it alone. While he was considering the decision, a large group of zombies started down the other end of the hall towards him, accompanied by a few Lickers and Hunters. The choice was made a little easier; David turned and ran in the direction that he had come from.

oOo

Yoko and Alyssa wandered the halls for a bit before finding the group again.

"Dammit, I knew we couldn't get rid of her that easily," Yoko grumbled, seeing Jill with Kevin, Cindy, and George. "Still, a girl can't help but hope that the weird nympho will get eaten by a zombie..."

"You're so mean!" Jill said. Then she smiled. "You might have some potential in the S & M department..."

Yoko sighed. "I'm not interested, okay? Maybe Alyssa will help you... She's pretty mean, and she said something about needing more satisfying partners..."

Alyssa looked at Yoko, then turned to Jill. As their eyes met, roses seemed to magically bloom in midair, and some cheesy romantic music played out of nowhere.

"Huh? Am I on drugs?" Kevin asked, rubbing his eyes and sticking a pinky in his ear.

"If you are, you must've slipped some of whatever you're on into my last bag of Doritos," Alyssa said, but she sounded unconcerned as she ran toward Jill in slow motion, with her arms outstretched.

"We appear to be experiencing a group hallucination," George said, putting a hand to his chin.

"No, it's the power of love. Or at least, lust...," Cindy replied.

oOo

"No no, don't summon a zombie! That will be your demise!" George yelled.

"Get off me! I'll do what I want!" Alyssa snapped.

"Now look what you've done! You've died!"

"Well, it's your fault! If you would've just left me alone..."

David knew that he'd found his idiots as soon as he'd heard the shouts, but he was a little confused by what was being said. He opened the door and stepped into the employee lounge to find the gang collected around a small TV. He walked closer to see a Gamecube sitting under said TV, and Alyssa with a controller in hand. For a second, the screen displayed the words "Forever Dimness," before she loaded another game.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" David questioned.

Kevin turned in his chair and his face split in a huge grin. "Davey!" he screeched, jumping up and throwing his arms around the plumber.

David just pushed him off, then said, "We're in the middle of a crisis, and you guys are playing a video game?"

"I said we should wait for you before we looked for a way out, so we were killing time," Kevin said from his place on the floor. He looked over at Cindy. "I told you he'd come back. Gimme my five bucks."

"I knew he'd come back; I'm all-knowing. I was just getting you to gamble, so your soul would be corrupted even more. Of course, just being gay and trying to get with David means you're pretty screwed, but I like to have a little extra," Cindy replied, pulling a five out of her pocket and handing it over.

Kevin took the money before staring at her for a second, then pointing and screaming, "I knew you were evil! Did anyone else hear that?"

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention," David replied, leaning on one of the bunk beds. "I was just thinking, wouldn't it have been smarter to come look for me? I could've been long dead before finding the right room..."

"We didn't feel like it, okay?" Alyssa snapped.

"Lazy bastards...," David grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Anyway, I've died for like the fourteenth time. We ready to go now?" Alyssa said, throwing down her controller.

"You should handle that with more care!" George cried, snatching up the controller and cradling it in his hands. "Look, you've scratched it..."

"It's not like the zombies will use it, so who cares? Unless, what, are you gonna take it with you?"

"Perhaps..."

"No," David said. "I don't want you dropping it or something and slowing us down. We should get going, now."

Oo End of Chapter oO

Took long enough, huh? Well, the length isn't too bad... Hey, did anyone get the thing about the game? Summoning zombies? Forever Dimness? It's Eternal Darkness... X3 lol lame, I know.


	18. TMI

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Ahh, it just hit me how lame that Forever Dimness thing was... HATE!

**Chapter Eighteen - TMI**

"Whoo! I am PUMPED UP! Let's kick some zombie ass!" Kevin screamed, windmilling his arms.

"Shut _up,_ you idiot! We don't have the firepower for that!" Alyssa replied.

George sniffled. "I MISS THE GAMECUBE!" he cried suddenly.

"There, there. With that money we stole back there, at that bank that probably no one remembers, you can buy as many GameCubes as you want," Cindy said, patting his hand.

George wiped away some tears that had started to form. "Really?"

"No, she's just fucking with you," Alyssa said.

"Well, yes, she is, but I don't see what that has to do with--"

"TMI! TMI! TEE. EM. AYEEEE!" the reporter screeched, covering her ears.

"Kids these days," George said, shaking his head. Cindy nodded in agreement.

David gave a rough cough. "Well, back to what I was saying before Kevin randomly interrupted... We should take the train out of here."

Alyssa smacked her head. "God! Why didn't I think of that? Take a train out of a train station!"

"It's quite possible that the train is no longer functional...," George said.

Alyssa grabbed him and started shaking him. "Excuse _me_! I was having a 'sarcastic bitch' moment! DON'T INTERRUPT ME!"

"My apologies--" George started, but was cut off.

"No touchy!" Cindy ordered, smacking Alyssa's hands off of her man.

Alyssa rubbed her hands, thinking once again of a way to dispose of Cindy. The former waitress decided to let the plotting slide this time.

"No, I didn't," Cindy said.

Yes you did. Don't make me take your powers away.

"Soooo," Cindy said, changing the subject and allowing the story to progress. "What do we need to do?"

"Well, we'll need to get this thing working again," David said, pointing at the train that was now directly in front of them.

"Interesting...," Cindy said, her mind wandering to more evil things.

"Evil things? She isn't going to kill someone, is she?" Kevin chirped.

No. Now stop interrupting, or I kill yo family.

"Well, my dad's kind of a prick, especially about me being gay, and my mom, she's..."

Fine. I'll kill David.

"Shutting up now," Kevin said. And he did, for the moment at least.

"Don't use my life as a tool in controlling Kevin," the plumber protested.

David fell into Kevin's arms, slowly pulling up his shirt as Kevin traced kisses down his--

"Alright, alright!" David grumbled. He turned to the gang, or what was left of it through this whole ordeal. "We need to check the power, so we'll head back upstairs..."

"Mmhm," Kevin agreed.

"Yup," Jill affirmed.

"Just do it!" Alyssa yelled.

Nodding repeatedly, Kevin and Jill started up the stairs, followed by the rest of the gang. Upon reaching the top, the group walked past a lone zombie, towards the door that led back to the "employees only" area from whence they came. Kevin gave a curt nod to the zombie, which managed to salivate in response. Once safely through the door, David turned to the group.

"We don't know where the power control room is, so we'll need to split up," he said.

"Unless, someone knows the layout of this place?" George asked.

The gang looked around for this "person who knows the layout of the subway's employee area".

"Is it you?" Kevin asked David.

"I'm the one who said we don't know...," the plumber answered slowly.

"Oh."

The group was silent for a long moment.

"...Jim's dead," Yoko pointed out.

"Oh yeah," Alyssa said, rubbing her neck. "So, um...can that silence back there count as paying our 'respects' to him? 'Cuz I'm really not going to do much more than that..."

"Agreed," George said. The survivors all went along.

"Okay. We're splitting up," David said.

.o.

"Huh?" Jill asked abruptly.

"I didn't say anything," David told her.

"Hmm...," the ex-STARS member said thoughtfully. "So...wanna have sex?"

"Yes, please!" Alyssa said. Jill patted her head, and looked at David.

"No," the plumber answered.

"Gay?"

"...No."

"Sure," Jill said, nodding with a knowing look on her face. David ignored her as they walked down the hall. They came to two doors, and found that the door on the left was locked. The door in front of them wouldn't open, either.

"Well, that was a waste of time," David grumbled.

"Definitely. And we don't even have a backup plan - like having sex - because you're gay," Jill said, crossing her arms.

"I'm NOT gay!" David almost yelled, wanting to hurt this crazy nympho bitch.

"Come on, Kevin obviously likes you, and he's definitely not ugly or anything...," she said.

"He put you up to this, didn't he?" David growled, slowly shaking his head.

.o.

Kevin sneezed and looked around. "Dusty in here?" he wondered aloud.

"I think someone's talking about you," Yoko said.

Kevin sighed wistfully. "I hope it's David."

_I don't,_ Yoko thought.

As they reached the end of the short hallway, George tugged on the knob of the only door there. It opened, but a zombie charged out and knocked George over. "Oh, fiddlesticks...," he said, struggling to keep the zombie from biting his neck.

Cindy walked over. She shook her finger at the undead woman, shouting, "Bad! We do not attack my George!"

"Thank you, dear, but it doesn't seem to be working...," the doctor grunted.

"It was worth a try," Cindy said, closing her eyes.

After a few seconds, the zombie's head exploded, sending gore all over George's face and torso. Cindy helped him up, and he thanked her again. She looked him up and down.

"I'm glad you're alright and...damn, you're sexy when you're covered in blood," she said, suddenly laying her lips on his.

"Oh NASTY! The blood and brains and everything!" Kevin yelled, covering his eyes.

.o End of Chapter o.


	19. Wombat

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

**Chapter Nineteen - Wombat  
**

"We found nothin' useful, and you guys?" Kevin asked, as the two groups joined back into one.

"Same," David replied.

"Well, I found out that David's gay," Alyssa said.

"You did?" Kevin asked, his eyes practically shining.

"No," Alyssa said. Kevin looked disappointed, and she added, "I always knew."

"Wow, really?" Kevin asked, staring at David now.

"No, she's full of it," the plumber said with a leery look.

Alyssa shook her head. "It couldn't be more obvious."

"Whatever," David said, folding his arms and going into "nonchalant mode".

"Ha, you know you can't win," Alyssa said.

"We have more important things to worry about, like how to get out of this city alive. First, I think we need a key. Let's split up again and search," David said.

"I want to be on your team this time," Kevin said in an almost-whiney voice.

"I'm not going to stop you," David replied with a shrug. He turned and started walking, with the cop at his heels.

Yoko decided to follow, so that she could try to prevent any yaoi action - not that David would consent to that sort of thing, but she wanted to be safe. Jill wrapped an arm around Alyssa's waist, and the reporter returned the gesture. They both started to follow David, Kevin, and Yoko.

"Wait, that makes the groups too uneven. Just one of you, please," Yoko said.

Jill and Alyssa looked at each other sadly. They exchanged a gentle kiss, then Alyssa headed off with Yoko and the two men.

Jill walked over to Cindy and George as their hands joined. The three of them went off down the hall, while David's group decided to check back in the employee lounge.

"Good thing George didn't come in here with us. We might never pry him away," Alyssa said, plopping down in front of the little television, and more importantly, the GameCube. Okay, you couldn't play the GC without the TV, so maybe they're of equal importance... Ah, who cares!

"What are you doing sitting there? You haven't become addicted to games, too?" David questioned.

"Hell no. I suck at them. Isn't it good of me to admit that? Anyway, I wanted to see if anything was on TV...," Alyssa answered. She pressed the power button on the television.

_"You can't stack cars!" _some old man was pointing out.

"Man, I hate that guy," Kevin said, sitting in a chair next to Alyssa.

"I know, he's so... I just want to put him in a cage with a bunch of rabid monkeys," she sighed.

"Why not rabid _zombie_ monkeys?" Kevin suggested.

"Oh yeah..."

David cleared his throat. "Focus. We're here for something, remember?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm hungry. Grab me some food, would you?" Alyssa asked, as she started watching some soap opera. She leaned in and moved her lips in time with the actors, as if she'd memorized the dialogue.

"Hey, don't use my Davey like a butler or something!" Kevin said, smacking Alyssa on the arm.

"Oh no you DIDN'T!" Alyssa said, getting up and standing over Kevin.

He punched her in the crotch, and swore as it had no special effect. He stood up and got all up in her grill. "Bitch, _please_! You started it, messing with _my_ man!"

David shook his head, sighing. "I'm not your man..."

.o.

George, Cindy, and Jill were walking down the hall towards the control room, when George slowed down.

"My apologies, ladies, but nature calls," he said, making a turn and heading to the Men's Room.

"Me, too," Cindy said. Jill went along so she wouldn't be alone out there. Plus, interesting things could happen in public restrooms...

.o.

Yoko stole a glance at David as they searched together, while Alyssa and Kevin were engrossed in the soap opera. She was happy to have some sort-of-alone time with him, and she wanted to take full advantage of the situation. She decided to go with the sincere and innocent approach.

"David," she started quietly. The plumber looked over from the locker that he was looking through, and she continued. "I was wondering if, after all this is over, you'd like to...go out some time?"

"Yoko, you're a nice kid, but I don't think--" he started.

"Just as friends is fine," she interrupted. She waited intently for his response.

"...Alright," he agreed. "I guess I'd like to keep in touch, if we get through this."

"Oh, how could you!" Kevin cried from across the room.

David looked over, almost guiltily, but saw that the cop was still looking at the TV. Probably talking about one character cheating on another who was also cheating on him, or something...

.o.

"Hey. Hey, Cindy," Jill whispered, motioning to the blonde. Cindy walked over and stood next to Jill, who was putting her ear against the door of one of the bathroom stalls.

"What is it, lesbo?" Cindy asked.

Jill gasped quietly. "How did you know...?"

The waitress stared. "You kissed Alyssa right in front of me..."

"Oh. Right. Well anyway, I think someone's having sex in here," Jill said, turning her attention back to the stall.

"Really?" Cindy asked, interested.

"Yeah. There are these smacky, squishy sounds..."

Cindy put a hand on Jill's shoulder and pushed her aside. Then she stepped forward and opened the door. Inside was a zombie eating a dead guy, who was sitting on the toilet.

"What a way to go...," Cindy muttered to herself, before shutting the door again. She turned to Jill, who was standing there with a look of disappointment on her face. "Let's go."

.o.

As George made to leave, a piece of hot pink paper sitting atop the garbage caught his eye. He picked it up and read it:

_"We really need a SOFA in the employee lodge. I mean, come on, we can't sit on beds or chairs all the time. Yeah, a SOFA is definitely the way to go. Or maybe we'll sit on a WOMBAT. Haha, what now, sucka?"_

George raised an eyebrow, completely lost. But, he wanted to show this strange note to his companions, since it might be some obscure hint to a pointless puzzle, so he stuck the paper in a pocket of his awesome brown vest, and stepped out. He waited outside the Ladies' Room.

"George, honey, we're over here," Cindy said from down the hall.

.o.

"Well, we've got nothing, besides this locked locker," David said. "The key could be in there."

"Then let's whack it open!" Kevin said, picking up a chair with his muscley arms and going over to the locker.

"You sure you can spare a second from that soap?" David asked flatly.

"It just ended," Kevin replied with a smile. "Now, let's open this locker."

He raised the chair over his head, then brought it down swiftly towards the locker door, near the lock. But, the chair simply bounced off, knocking Kevin backwards and onto the floor.

"What the hell?" Kevin said, rubbing his rear where he had landed on the concrete.

"It's some sort of force field," Yoko said.

"Force field this," Kevin said, raising his handgun and taking aim.

.o.

After searching the control room, George's group was headed back, empty-handed except for the pink note. They reached the door to the employee lounge, to hear gunshots from within. The three exchanged looks.

"Oh crap, Alyssa!" Jill shouted, barging through the door to the rescue, just in time to be caught in the head by a happy bouncing bullet. She crumpled to the floor, lifeless.

"That you, Jill?" Alyssa called without looking, now watching a talkshow.

George knelt next to Jill and checked for a pulse. "Oh dear, she's dead!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know if we'd ever figure that out without you," David said dryly.

"What? Who's dead?" Alyssa demanded, jumping out of her chair. She saw Jill lying on the floor and rushed over, tears welling in her eyes. Dropping to her knees, she picked up the ex-STARS' limp body. "God, no! Take me! Take MEEE!"

George put a hand on Alyssa shoulder. "I'm sorry. She's gone."

"No! She can't be dead! I... I love her!" Alyssa wailed.

"You only knew her for a few hours or so," Cindy pointed out.

"Oh, right. But, I loved her body!" Alyssa replied.

"We'll buy you a nice hooker when we get out of here," Cindy assured her.

"Alright!"

"Okay, we still need to find the key," David said, trying to get them back on track. "The only thing we've found is this locked locker that we can't break into for some reason."

"And all we found is this note," George said, pulling it out. He handed it over to David.

"Looks like there's emphasis on the word 'sofa'... And something about a wombat," the plumber said.

"Maybe this man hid a stash of drugs under the sofa?" George guessed.

"And a dead wombat," Kevin added, trying to be helpful.

David ignored them. "Well, there's a four letter passcode needed for this locker, so I'm guessing 'sofa' is it." He went over and put in the code, and the lock opened. He bent down and grabbed the key off the bottom.

"Now let's find the door this goes to," he said, heading for the exit.

.o End of Chapter o.

Author's Note: Jill's death was first written as a sadder event, with Alyssa wanting Cindy to revive her, but not wanting Jill to suffer the fate of being one of the undead. But, I didn't think this was the place for that sort of thing, so I changed it... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Please review. Oh, and please refresh my memory on what scenario you would like to see for the next (and probably last) one.


	20. Fina Friggin Lee

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Thanks for the reviews as usual, all. So far, we've got two votes for flashback (as well as someone who _really_ wants to see a fight between our two David-lovers). I might look back in the reviews for the older votes, but if I don't (I'm lazy, you know), you might want to get your word in here, again...

**Chapter Twenty – Fina-friggin'-lly**

"Gotcha," Kevin muttered as he heard the door unlock. "Finally getting somewhere..."

"Yeah, not that you contributed," Alyssa commented.

Kevin sniffled. "Davey, the bitch is being mean to me..."

"Don't call me a bitch, you...you man-whore!"

"David, did you hear what she just called me? Make her apologize!" Kevin cried.

"Cut it out, both of you," David said distractedly. He opened the door in front of him and stepped through, starting down the steps beyond.

"But, but, she started it...," Kevin whined.

"Don't be such a baby. Jesus!" Alyssa exclaimed.

"Baby Jesus...?" George mumbled, looking around.

"No, honey," Cindy said in a kindly voice, patting in on the arm.

"Good. Scientology is the _only_ correct path," George said vehemently. Cindy just laughed. The odd couple followed everyone else down the stairs, then they all went through a door at the bottom. They entered another cold, grey hallway, permeated with the smell of moisture and rot. And the moans of zombie(s).

"You know, I'm hungry," Alyssa said thoughtfully.

"Shut up," David whispered harshly. "Can't you hear the zombie?"

"Oh come on, it's too dumb to come after us just because..." she trailed off as the sound of slow, clumsy footsteps approached them.

"I say we throw Alyssa at it," Kevin said.

"What the hell? You're supposed to save people, not get them killed! You're a cop, so act like one!" Alyssa cried.

"She's too fat for us to pick up, anyway," Cindy added with a snicker. Alyssa shot her the dirtiest glare she could muster, but knew that she could be killed if she really did anything. Cindy smirked and blew a kiss towards her fellow blonde.

"Um, guys, shouldn't we do something about that?" Yoko asked, pointing at the zombie as it drew closer, beginning to speed up in a charge.

"Alyssa, don't you have a shotgun?" Kevin asked.

"Does it look like I have a shotgun?" she replied. Kevin looked her up and down, seeing she had nothing in her hands.

"I dunno, maybe you can carry stuff under your clothes or something?" he suggested.

"It doesn't work like that, you idiot. Now how about something that could actually help? Oh nevermind, let's just run," Alyssa suggested, jogging off to the left towards some stairs, only to find the passage to be flooded a few steps down. She weighed her options for a moment, then shrugged and waded into the water. The others were close behind.

"Can zombies swim?" Kevin wondered.

"I doubt it, but this water's shallow enough to walk in," David noted. He looked back to see the zombie walk to the edge of the water, and pause to stare down at the water almost apprehensively. It dipped a few rotting toes in and swirled the water around, then splashed in, apparently deciding that the water was safe.

Alyssa had reached a nearby door and started going through. David eyed the corpse lying in the water down the hall, and decided to follow the reporter's lead for now. Kevin and the few other survivors entered the room, too.

"My life is just a black abyss, you know. It's so dark, and it's suffocating me. Grabbing a hold of me and tightening its grip, tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans... Which look great on me by the way," George muttered in an utterly serious tone, as he struggled to push the door closed against the water.

"What are you talking about, sweetheart?" Cindy questioned, helping him shut the door.

"Just lyrics from my favorite song," George replied with a dopey grin.

"Awww," Cindy cooed, patting him on the head.

Meanwhile, David was looking around the room. It didn't look promising - no other doors, filled with water, and there seemed to be nothing useful. Just a bunch of pipes.

"Hey, wait a minute," Kevin said. He squinted at the big pipe that was spraying water all over the place, then looked at a red valve nearby. Then back at the pipe.

Valve.

Pipe.

"Erm, shouldn't we just...?" Yoko started.

David put a hand on her shoulder, shaking his head. "Let's give him a chance to figure it out."

Kevin let out a deep sigh. "God, I thought I had something for a second there, but..."

He turned towards David with a defeated look on his face. And saw the plumber's hand on Yoko's shoulder.

"I knew it! You had the hots for that dude - I mean, Yoko - all this time!" he screeched.

David quickly removed his hand, then looked at Kevin sternly. "It's just her shoulder, Kevin. Not like I'm touching her--"

"And you, you think you can steal him from me? Die!" Kevin yelled, apparently not listening. He sloshed through the water towards Yoko, being slowed down quite a bit by the drag. Yoko waited patiently for the attack. Several seconds later, Kevin got within leaping distance and dove towards his rival with a shout of "Argh!"

As he collided with her, Yoko fell backwards into the water, thinking, _Damn, I should have plugged my nose,_ as she accidentally sucked water up her nose and got that rather annoying sort-of-brain-freeze-like feeling. Well, I don't really know how to describe it, but I don't like it. Neither did Yoko.

Kevin continued to scream as he fell into the water with her, a huge mass of bubbles escaping his mouth. Only when it was too late, did he realize that he wanted, nay, _needed_, oxygen in his lungs. He started to thrash around, trying to deal some damage to his opponent, and get back to the surface, at the same time.

At this point, Yoko noticed the bits of something-or-other floating around in the water. _Ew_, she thought, hoping that this wasn't sewer water. Although, she supposed the water would a bit more yellow and brown if it was... Or maybe not. She decided she wanted to get her head out of this liquid, either way.

Kevin was beginning to pass out, desperately trying to stand up on Yoko's chest while she tried to pull him back down. Suddenly, she grabbed him and spun, reversing their positions so that she was on top, and he was on bottom. Hmm, Kevin probably _would_ be a bottom in this story... Can anyone say "uke"?

And the uke was out like a light, taking in more water by the second as he began to sink to the floor. Yoko stood up, triumphantly stomping her foot on her soon-to-be dead rival's private parts.

"Yeah! I won!" she roared, no longer acting like the shy, quiet mouse that she is supposed to be characterized as. Pumping her fists into the air, she turned her gaze towards her prize: David King. She wiggled her eyebrows seductively.

"Oh God, not the eyebrows," David grumbled. He started walking towards her, and she held out her arms, puckering her lips.

He gave her a mighty shove that got her off of Kevin, and back into the water. Her indignant cry was ignored. He bent down and lifted Kevin out of the water, carrying him bridal-style up a few steps to a dry section of the room. He could see that the cop wasn't breathing.

"Is anyone willing to give him mouth-to-mouth?" he called to the others. They all shook their heads, except for Yoko, who was just standing there, sopping wet and glaring.

He nodded, having known the answer all along. Turning back to Kevin, he looked down at the almost peaceful expression on the unconscious man's face. He started to lower his head towards Kevin's mouth. Then he paused.

He abruptly stood up and turned away. "Hmph, cops die in hazardous situations all the time."

Everyone else stared at him with open mouths.

"David! How could you?" Alyssa demanded.

"What are you talking about? You were constantly at his throat; why do you give a damn?" the plumber asked.

"We were just playing around! Christ, I wouldn't just let him die!"

"...Then _you_ give him mouth-to-mouth."

"No way! That's his gay lover's job!" she said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Well, that isn't me. Don't you all get it? I'm. Straight," David said slowly.

"Stop kidding yourself! You are so gay! Now you save that stupid idiot, right now!"

"Actually, that's no longer an option... It's been too long; his brain has now been damaged beyond repair," George said, his hands clasped behind his back.

"Do you really think his brain could get much worse than it already is?" Alyssa asked incredulously.

"Eh, _I_ can bring him back if I have to. I just want David to admit his feelings first," Cindy said. She looked at David expectantly.

"So you can send me to hell?" he asked.

"Oh, you _did_ notice," Cindy said with a smile.

"Yeah, just didn't see anything to do about it," he said with a shrug. "So? Is that what you're going to do?"

"No! In fact, I'll make sure you _don't_ go to hell for it. How about that?"

"Why would you do that?"

"I'm a big fan of yaoi. I would settle for you and George, but...you two just don't go very well together. Not having to share is a bonus, too," Cindy said, taking the doctor's hand in hers.

David put a hand over his face, sighing. "It seems like it'll be easier to just go with the gay thing..."

"Yep, we'll make your life a living hell if you don't," Cindy said with glee.

"I won't! Don't listen to these freaks, David! _I_ want to be with you!" Yoko cried.

"Don't ruin this for me," Cindy said. A lightning bolt came out of nowhere and zapped Yoko. It didn't kill her; just gave her a scare and made her hair spike up all over. She coughed a puff of smoke.

"That was just a warning," the blonde continued. "Don't worry; you'll find someone who's right for you. So, just stay out of this."

David was walking back over to Kevin's body. Cindy followed.

"Do you promise to accept his love?" she asked.

"Sure, whatever, if you'll leave me alone," David replied.

"About this particular topic...," Cindy said, non-commital. She knelt beside Kevin, raised her fist, and then slammed it down on his stomach. Energy coursed through his body and he bolted upright, coughing up water as his eyes flew open.

"Peanutbuttertubpantsfiretruck!" he blurted out, panting. He looked around wildly.

"Hug him," Cindy mouthed silently.

David rolled his eyes, but crouched down to Kevin's level, and put his arms around the other man. Kevin turned his head to look at David's face, which was turning a little red, as the plumber turned away, embarrassed.

"Did you...save me?" Kevin asked in a teary voice.

"He sure did," Cindy answered happily. "And he has something to tell you!"

"What is it, David?" Kevin asked, returning the hug.

David pulled away after a moment. After an annoyed glance at Cindy, he said,

"Kevin, I...guess I like you well enough."

Cindy shook her head at the lame attempt, but the cop seemed pleased, as he tackled David to the ground and cuddled him. Everyone let out an "Awwwww"... Even Yoko.

.o End of Chapter o.


	21. Totally Dysfunctional

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

As always, thanks for the reviews and supports, all. Especially you, Clarie (aka Xx Made In Heaven xX) - we haven't been talking much for a while now, but I'm glad you're still reading and reviewing. I know you're a solid writer, so that makes it mean even more. This chapter is dedicated to you! Oh, and I guess Chevy (Sweetboxer) is among the biggest forces that has kept this story from going into my scrap pile, so thanks for that. But you've been slacking on the reviews, so no dedicatey for you! -glares sternly-

Note: The scenario requirements will be changed for convenience's sake (plus I forgot some of the what and why).

**Chapter Twenty One** - **Totally Dysfunctional**

Once he reached the limit of his tolerance for Kevin's hugging, David shoved the cop away and went to the red valve on a thick pipe close by. Getting a good grip, he started to turn it. The water quickly drained from the room through slits in the floor. With the water gone, the gaping hole in one of the larger pipes was quite visible.

"So, there's at least one zombie waiting for us out there. We could probably take one, but it sounds like more," David judged by the heavy pounding on the door. "I still think our best chance would be to take the train, if it even works. Then we might get out of this hell."

"That's a great idea!" Kevin said brightly.

"Shut up, Kevin. I don't need your damn approval," David said.

"You're right, you don't," Kevin sniffed.

"Hey, you aren't fulfilling your part of our deal...," Cindy said in a warning tone.

"It's one of those love-hate relationships. Dysfunctional, but it's there," David replied curtly.

Cindy considered for a moment. "Yeah, that could be hot. Carry on."

David cleared his throat, silently praying that they would get out of this and go their separate ways, before Cindy started demanding a more physical relationship. If it got to that...he wasn't sure if he'd rather choose death and hell than comply with her orders.

"Well, while I was running around by myself, I went down to the trains and checked the station out. There's only one train in, and it ain't working. Something's up with the power. Other than that, it looked fine, so we should be able to get it working, if we find the control room," he said.

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Alyssa asked impatiently.

"All I've got is, we look around wherever we haven't explored, and try to find a control room. We should probably split up again."

Kevin looked ready to shout out who he wanted to be grouped with, but he'd been told to shut up rather harshly, and his eyes wavered with tears and uncertainty. Cindy saw this and her expression changed to something not unlike sympathy. If devil-women are capable of that.

"Obviously, I'm with George. We'll take Yoko along with us, so Kevin, David, and Alyssa, you three are the other group," the waitress said. She felt a pang of regret that she'd miss seeing anything that happened between the two younger men, but she wasn't going to choose that over George.

"What, I'm stuck with this asshole?" Alyssa asked, jabbing a thumb towards Kevin.

"Just playing, huh?" David asked dryly.

"Of course," she replied with a nasty grin.

"Whatever, let's just get this over with. Cindy, can you take care of the zombies?"

"Yeah. Just stay back, in case there are too many for me to take out at once," the blonde said, approaching the door. Just as David thought this was strangely kind for someone in her...condition, she turned and flashed a grin similar to Alyssa's. "...I wouldn't want you to die before I see some action."

With that, she jerked the door open. Everyone else fell back as three zombies stumbled into the room. One's head imploded almost immediately. Cindy was concentrating on the next zombie when it grabbed her arms, trying to bite her neck. George cried out in concern, but was kept from rushing to her aide.

"She can handle this herself," David said, though he secretly hoped that she would just die.

"I didn't like that neck-biting thing much the first time. George's nibbling, I enjoy, but you... No," Cindy commented, as the attacking zombie's head blew apart into tiny pieces.

She turned her attention to the last walking corpse, which was heading for the stairs, making its way towards the other humans. Suddenly, it stopped, seeming to sense its impending "death". Cindy laughed a little as she mentally blew its head off, resulting in a big spray of blood before its body fell. Breathing a sigh of relief, the rest of her group edged around the still-twitching corpses, and left the room.

They left, splitting off in opposite directions, deciding that three people would check the rest of the rooms down here, while the other three would finish checking the upstairs.

.o.

Yoko heaved a heavy sigh as she looked back at David's form, disappearing around the corner. She had never felt this way about a man in her life, and now she was going to let him go? So he could hook up with that fruit tart of a cop? She didn't think she could let that happen.

"You're depressed about David ending up with Kevin, right?" Cindy asked, putting a hand on Yoko's shoulder. George seemed detached from this situation, as he looked around sharply and muttered under his breath.

"Yeah... I mean, he's got the looks, he's got the mystery, the charisma... And I know he cares about us, deep down," Yoko said.

Cindy nodded, not voicing her doubts about that last part. "But, could you picture yourself growing old with him? Is he really someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with?"

With no hesitation, Yoko replied, "I'm happy with just sleeping with him at this point. After that, I'm fine with whatever."

The waitress laughed. "That's my girl. But you know, I wasn't lying when I said you'd find someone for yourself. Someone right for you, and only you. We each have one, and David may not be yours, but you'll find whoever it is. Just be patient."

"If it isn't Alyssa, maybe I could accept that. That lady is a freak."

.o.

"So, you gonna do it or what?" Alyssa asked as they continued down the hallway.

"No," David replied, not bothering to ask what "it" was.

"Aw, c'mon. You already agreed to--"

David stopped her right there with a hand over her mouth. He didn't like the look on Kevin's face. Not one bit.

"If you wiggle your eyebrows at me, I will rip them off your face," he quickly warned.

"Fine. Sorry," Kevin grumbled, looking disappointed.

"Jesus, it's like some kind of disease on its own...," David said under his breath, releasing Alyssa.

"I was about stomp on your foot and kick you in the balls," she informed him.

"Good for you," David said in an irritated tone.

As they reached the next door, he pulled it open and looked inside. Catching the scent of garbage, and seeing that the room had nothing that looked like a control panel, he quickly shut the door. Then they continued on their way.

The only other door that they hadn't check was further down the hall, around a bend. They went inside. Looking around, David found a magnum on a shelf to his right. Grabbing it, he continued his search. He soon came to a lever, which was next to a red light. Above the lever was posted a piece of paper which read "DA POWAH".

"Jim," David and Alyssa said simultaneously. Kevin looked over and simply felt left out.

Reaching out, David pushed the lever up, causing the little light to go from red to green.

"You think that's it?" Alyssa asked.

"Hope so," David replied.

After a quick search through the rest of the room, which turned up only a locked door, some more pipes, and a first aid spray, they left. They went down the hall and to the stairs which led back upstairs. As they went through the door, they nearly collided with George and Cindy.

"Oh, hello. We didn't turn anything up," the doctor said pleasantly.

"We might have turned the power back on, so let's go give it a try," David said.

With the group reformed once again, they made their way out of the employee area, and down the stairs to where the train awaited. As they descended, they could hear a recorded voice stating that the train ws about to leave, among other things. They hurried along.

"Thank God," Alyssa cried as they reached the train. Cindy snickered.

They were heading towards the train when they heard some scratching and squeaking sounds from above. Looking up, they saw a giant flea-like monster on top of the train. It hopped down and blocked their path.

"Of course, there's gotta be _something_," Alyssa growled. "Get out of our way, you fucker. We're ready to leave. Now."

The flea-thing didn't seem to care, as it started to scuttle towards them.

.o End of Chapter o.

I'm not sure how to go about this battle. It might come to me in time for the next chapter, but it might not, so any input/suggestions would be very helpful. Oh, and tell me about any mistakes you see: plotholes, typos, etc. 'Cuz it's late and I'm submitting this without much reading over.


	22. The One Eyed Stranger

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Uh... Slow update? Sorry...

**  
Chapter Twenty-Two - The One-eyed Stranger**

After bravely facing the giant flee and basically telling it to fuck off, Alyssa proceeded to take cover behind Cindy. The devil-woman looked back and stared coolly.

"What? You expected me to kill that thing? Get real!" the reporter exclaimed.

"You're going to have to do _something_, because it's going to be a little hard for me to kill this thing by myself. You'll need to at least buy me time."

"Hmm, I have an idea...," David muttered. He bumped Kevin with his elbow. Hard.

"Whoa!" The cop stumbled a forward a few steps and landed on his hands and knees in front of the flea monster. Cindy and Alyssa simultaneously gasped in horror, while Yoko clasped her hands together and looked hopeful. The flea stared at Kevin for a few long seconds as the cop froze out of fear. Then a ringing sound echoed through the tunnel.

George reached into his pocket and pulled out a sleek, silver cellphone. Flipping it open, he put it to his ear.

"Hello?" he said cautiously. After a brief pause, his face turned into a scowl and he started to speak loudly.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHO ARE YOU?? STOP CALLING ME!! I-I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!"

He continued to rant in this vein for several minutes as everyone, even the flea, watched and waited. Once he was through, he closed his cell and slid it back into his pocket.

"Who was it, dear?" Cindy asked, seeming to be impressed.

"Hm? Oh, I'm not sure. It was just a dial tone. Actually, I'm not sure I've paid my bill...," George replied thoughtfully.

They all stared, and there were a few awkward coughs. Then Yoko picked up an empty beer can and threw it at the flea's head. The can bounced off the creature's hard shell, and flew through the air, before hitting the ground and rolling a few feet. All was still and silent for a long moment.

"It didn't work. This thing is invincible. Run away!" Yoko screamed. She scurried off, waving her arms wildly.

"Well that sucked," Kevin stated, staring after her.

"Uh...true," David agreed, crossing his arms. "What now?"

"Problem solved," Cindy said as the insect exploded and became nothing more than a splatter of orange and red. "Thanks for distracting it. Especially you, sweetie." She looked at George fondly.

"Yeah. Thanks," David said sarcastically, shaking off bug guts. "Just find Yoko, and we'll get out of here."

.o.

_Forty-five minutes later, on the moving train..._

"Yeah...you like that? You like it when I touch you like that? You like it when I put that there? Huh? How 'bout that? Yeah, you like it, you--"

"No! No, I don't like it! I don't like getting poked in the eye, like, at all!" Alyssa shrieked like a banshee. "What the fuck is your _damage_?"

"I'm just bored," Kevin said sheepishly. "And David made some nasty threats when I tried to play with him."

"I fucking hate you. Leave me alone," Alyssa snapped.

"Okay... I'm sorry...," Kevin said, patting her on the arm.

"Don't touch me!" the reporter wailed.

"Kevin, don't expect anything from me if you're going to act like this. You're really pissing me off," David grumbled.

"What, like I could expect something if I behaved? Ooh, like what?" Kevin asked in a low voice.

"That's not what I mean...," David said nervously.

"Okay, how 'bout if you give me a little kiss right now, I'll be good until...this train stops," Kevin suggested.

"No, it's really not--"

"Good!" Kevin leaned in and grabbed David tightly, pressing his lips on the other man's. The plumber punched the cop in the head.

"You idiot! What do you think you're trying to pull!?" David demanded breathlessly. There was no response from Kevin, as the man was unconscious.

"Now _you_ have to carry him," Cindy said sternly.

"I think I'll just leave him for the zombies," David replied coolly.

"It wasn't a suggestion, it was an order. You know what'll happen," Cindy snarled, her canines elongating.

.o.

Luckily for David, Kevin woke up before the train stopped. The group reached their destination soon after and got off, finding themselves on a platform at a station that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. There were trees all around, and fog was heavy in the air.

"Well, at least we're out of that damn city," David said. "There shouldn't be that many zombies out here, if any."

They started to leave the platform, but as they went down the concrete steps, they saw a figure to their left. It was a masked person, slightly hunched over, wearing a trenchcoat, gloves, and a backpack.

"How ya doin', straaaanger?" the mysterious person drawled.

"Wrong game, asshole!" Alyssa retorted. She took her high heel shoe off and chucked it at the merchant. The heel of the shoe lodged itself in his eye, causing blood to spurt out.

"Ahhhh, oh God, it hurts, it hurts! The agony! ...Straaanger!" the merchant cried, grabbing at the shoe.

Kevin walked up, looking apologetic. "Sorry 'bout that. She's a crazy sadistic bitch. But um...could I buy something?"

The merchant immediately quieted, a twinkle in the eye that wasn't ruined. "What are ya buyin'?"

"Gimme a puppy," Kevin said with a gleeful smile.

"A...puppy? Stranger."

"Yeah. I think it'll help me and David to bond," the cop said, grinning at the plumber. David crossed his arms and looked away with an annoyed expression on his face.

"I don't carry puppies, stranger...," the merchant said slowly, as if to an idiot. He pulled open his coat, revealing a vest and pockets full of weapons. "But I've got these. Interested?"

"Aww, no puppies? Nah, I don't want any of--"

"Yeah! We're interested!" David interrupted, glaring coldly at Kevin.

"What're you buyin'?" the merchant asked happily.

"Okay, how much do we have?" David asked, turning to his companions.

They all dug in their pockets and looked in their wallets. Alyssa stomped her foot.

"Dammit, I left my purse in J's. I've got nothin'!" she said, annoyed.

"I have two dollars, four pennies, and a shiny marble...," Kevin said, staring fixedly at the marble in his palm.

"I have seventeen credit cards...," Yoko said. "Do you take those?"

The merchant shook his head, and David's hope diminished.

"I have sixty-eight dollars," George stated.

"What would that get us?" David asked.

"Are those US dollars?" the merchant responded.

"Yes."

"Then...this, this, this, this...," the merchant said, pulling out several handguns, a shotgun, and a sniper rifle.

"Oooh," the survivors said in unison.

"I call shotgun," Alyssa said, leaping forward and rolling whilst snatching up the weapon, then getting back on her feet and striking a pose.

"I could snipe...," Yoko suggested, walking up and picking up the rifle. She put her eye to the scope and swept the area, making little shooting sounds under her breath. "Pyoo... Pyoo... Oh, you're dead. Pyoo... Right on target!"

"Do you actually _know_ how to snipe?" David asked doubtfully.

"Yes, of course."

"Where did a girl like you learn something like that...?"

_Oh my God, he's actually trying to learn more about me! He must..._LIKE_ LIKE ME! _Yoko thought to herself. _Okay, be cool..._

"Weeell," she drawled with a fake Southern accent, "back in 'Nam, we wuz all 'pyoo pyoo' at those damn Charlies, and they wuz all 'oh no! I'm dead!' And then we'd fall into a pit trap and be all--"

"What the hell are you talking about?" David cut in.

"I...don't know," Yoko mumbled, dropping the accent. "I was trying to be cool, like Mark..."

"Mark's not cool. He's dead and he's fat," David pointed out.

"Oh. Right."

The merchant watched this exchange uneasily, realizing that these people were probably insane, or at least mentally retarded. He cleared his throat.

"Um... I dunno if I should sell ya weapons after all...straaanger...," he said hesitantly.

"Target practice!" Yoko suddenly screamed, aiming her rifle at the merchant's head.

"Hey, stop that! If you kill him now, all of him will be dead and he won't be able to sell us anymore weapons!" George cried.

"Uh... Wut? Isn't that kinda obvious?"

"Yes, well..."

"Don't kill him. It's not worth it. You don't wanna go to jail, believe me...," David said, again having a flashback of life in the big house. Compared to those guys, Kevin's advances were nothing...

_Oh my God, he doesn't want me to go to jail! He must be freaking IN LOVE WITH ME!_ Yoko thought.

"Okay, my love. Anything for you...," she said sweetly.

David snapped out of it in time to give her a strange look. Oh great, now she was delusional.

**.o End of Chapter o.**


	23. Oldies

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

Well...that took a while.

**Chapter Twenty-Three - Oldies**

Our gang of survivors marched onward into the forest, almost fearless now that there were no zombies in sight. That was, until a zombie came into sight.

"Omigodzombie!" Yoko said with a fair amount of enthusiasm.

"Not just any zombie. Watch out, it's a weed zombie," David said dryly.

Yoko's eyes widened. Even if she was a quiet, smart Japanese girl, it still didn't stop her from being a college student. She pounced on the zombie. Poisonous powder assailed her, making her cough and fall off. George rushed to her side and pronounced her dead.

"I'm not dead," she wheezed.

"He's a doctor, sweetie. He knows what he's talking about," Cindy said. While she spoke, the zombie tried to gnaw on her, and she killed it.

"He obviously _doesn't_!" Yoko replied.

"Oh, he does," Cindy countered threateningly.

"Everyone else is leaving, dear," George stated, pointing.

"I guess we'll resolve this later," the devil-woman said with a smile. She and George walked off, leaving Yoko to pick herself up off the ground, grumbling.

"That bitch needs to die...," she said under her breath. Then she realized that that would help her with the David situation as well, and smiled to herself. No, she wouldn't wait for someone else, like Cindy had suggested. She was going to change things so she could have the one she wanted...

.o.

"Where's Yoko?" David asked as Cindy and George caught up to the group.

"Why, are you worried?" Cindy asked with a smirk.

"Do I sound worried?" the plumber replied.

"No. Like usual, you sound indifferent... Well, she should be catching up soon. I doubt that poison would kill her this--"

She stopped talking as she sensed danger. Grinning cockily, she cocked her head to the side, and a bullet whizzed by.

"Dammit!" someone cried from a distance.

"Is that your best try, Yoko?" Cindy asked, laughing.

"Oh, sorry, did I almost hit you?" Yoko called back, approaching. The two women faced each other down, and the tension was palpable. Cindy seemed to be completely unconcerned, but the Japanese girl held her ground, too.

"You don't look well, hun. Maybe you should do something about that poison," the devil-woman pointed out in a friendly tone.

"Thanks for the concern," Yoko said just as sweetly.

"You're welcome. There ought to be a plant to counteract the poison in this area... Just make sure you don't take the wrong one," Cindy said softly.

She turned and walked away again. Once she did, Yoko wobbled on her feet, sweat trickling down her face. On reflex, David put out a hand to steady her. She blushed and looked away, muttering a thank-you.

_I _must_ win him over..._, she was thinking to herself.

.o.

Kevin was skipping ahead a few feet and looked back.

"C'mon, David! We're falling behind!" he called back. But he noticed the contact between the two.

"Hey HEY!" he shouted. "David, what do you think you're doing!?"

"She's poisoned. She needs help," the plumber replied with a shrug.

"Uh-huh, right. YOU!" Kevin yelled, pointing at Yoko. "You're trying to trick my man, arencha?"

"I don't have to trick him, unlike you and Cindy and your little games," Yoko retorted.

"Whachoo say!?" Kevin started to stomp over.

"Don't start this again...," David growled.

"Whatever you say, love!" Kevin said immediately.

"I understand...," Yoko said at the same moment.

The rivals glared at each other, sparks literally flying from their intent gaze. David walked on, giving up.

.o.

After a short while walking aimlessly in the woods, they got really lost.

"Great. We get out of a city full of zombies, just to run into woods with weed zombies, and no way out," Alyssa grumbled. "Did I mention that God hates us?"

"I dunno. Your dialogue is all beginning to sound the same to me," Kevin said, with a pointed glare at the author...wherever the invisible driving force of this story was.

"I gave up a long time ago," said author sighed. "But I'm doing at least a _little_ better than the ad-libs in the game, am I right?"

"Uh... Maybe...," Kevin said doubtfully.

"He's talking to himself again, isn't he?" Alyssa asked. Yoko nodded in agreement.

"Quiet, you wrinkly hamsters," David called out. He pointed ahead of them, at a small building in the distance. "Look."

Alyssa put a hand over her eyes to block out the already-blocked-out sunlight, and Yoko stood on her tippy toes to look over some non-existent obstruction.

"It appears to be a cabin-like structure of some sort," George observed.

"Very good, sweetheart," Cindy cooed.

"Maybe there's someone who can help us there, or we could at least rest," David stated.

"It's better than nothing. I _guess_," Alyssa replied.

So they marched onward, and soon reached the dilapidated piece o' crap called a cabin. David stood in front of the door, looking around cautiously for now he seemed to sense something amiss. This cabin just screamed "crazy ass rapist".

"No time like the present!" Kevin said gleefully. He opened the wooden door, letting it slam against the adjacent wall. It bounced off the solid surface and hit the door-opener, knocking him to the ground.

"Ow!" the cop cried.

Everyone else had a good laugh at his expense. After most of the laughter faded out, there was one person who was still giggling madly. Yoko jumped aside and hid behind David as she realized who it was - an old man had appeared behind her and joined in the fun. He started to wheeze and his face turned colors, as oxygen deprivation set in. The gang of survivors watched in fascination, wondering if he would die.

Finally, his cackling began to slow and soon stopped altogether. Standing upright and snorting quietly, he gazed around at his visitors.

"Thanks a lot for helping me when I was practically suffocating. Fuckers," the geezer said in a shaky voice.

"Sorry. I was wondering if we could use your corpse to bait the zombies," David responded.

"I'll kill you. With an axe," the old man threatened.

"H'okay," Kevin said, deciding to get up now.

"No seriously," the old man said. Then he shrugged. "Why don't you come inside for a cup of tea?"

"Sounds like a good idea. As long as you don't ass rape me," David said.

"Yeah. You stay away from his ass. That's mine," Kevin said, shaking his fist threateningly.

"Hey, I do that, too," the geezer cried. He raised his arm and struggled to make a fist. After a few minutes, he accomplished that, and then began to shake his fist slowly.

"See?" he said. "We have a lot in common. We should be friends."

But everyone had gone inside already. He was standing alone.

"And that's why I hate young'uns...," he grumbled, going inside. He was not happy with what he saw.

Cindy and George were having wild sex in his bed. David was in the bathroom, beating on the toilet with a can of shaving cream. Yoko was watching, sighing admiringly. Kevin was lying on his belly on the floor, slowly dragging his tongue across the dirty floorboards. And Alyssa was standing at the wardrobe, going through various graying and yellowing underwear, wearing some on her head like a hat while singing "Thriller" under her breath and occasionally dancing a little bit.

"What the hell is wrong with you kids!? Are you on drugs?" the geezer shouted.

Kevin lifted his head from the floor and smiled creepily. "Mayyybe..."

.o.

Albert Lester awoke with a jolt, cold sweat trickling down his face. He sat up in his bed, looking around the cabin to make sure that everything was as it should be. He looked down at the bedsheets underneath him and shuddered. Just then, he was startled by loud knocks on the door.

"Coming...," he croaked, getting up and heading to the entrance. He opened the door to find those six weirdos from his dream right outside.

"Hi. Um, we were lost in these woods, and we were wondering if--"

"I'll lead you out of here to the nearest town!" Albert cried frantically, pushing David aside and shutting the door behind him.

"Uh, thanks," David said.

Albert started away from the cabin and down a path between the trees and low shrubs. The survivors followed, exchanging wary looks. They walked briskly through what seemed like a maze, running by the zombies that they encountered along the way. When they reached a rickety rope-and-wood bridge, they hesitated.

"You sure that thing's safe?" David asked.

"Of course. I've gone over it six-thousand-ninety-four times!" the old man replied. He started quickly across, stopping only when his foot went through one of the planks, to throw back a reassuring grin.

"I think we should test it by throwing Alyssa--" Kevin started, but his suggestion was met with a fist to the cheek which knocked him back several feet.

"Jackass," the reporter growled. Kevin continued to stumble until he landed on the bridge, one foot and one arm breaking through boards.

"Bitch!" he exclaimed. He grabbed one of the ropes on the side and pulled himself up, jerking his foot out of the hole. He started back towards the group, eager to get back on solid ground.

"That old guy didn't weigh much... _You_ test it for us, Kevin," David said. It didn't sound like a request.

"You got it, baby," Kevin replied happily enough. He carefully stepped back over the holes, then crossed the rest of the way without much trouble. He waved the others over, and they crossed one by one. They caught sight of a building ahead, and Albert going inside.

"What's that old fart doing now?" Alyssa wondered.

"I dunno, but I guess we should keep up with him. He's the only lead we have," David said.

The gang followed the path until they reached the almost-crumbling building. The door creaked loudly as David pulled it open.

"Hey, geezer! Where you at!?" Alyssa demanded.

A door at the end of the hall banged open. A half-naked man with an axe laughed maniacally, coming through the doorway, stalking towards his prey.

_Hahaha, they'll never figure out who I am!_ he thought, loving his ingenious costume and plan.

"Hey, isn't that the old guy from the cabin?" Alyssa asked, squinting.

"Yes, he's wearing the same pants... And there are no other slightly overweight, elderly gentlemen in this area, that we know of," George said. Everyone else exchanged glances and shook their heads.

"Yep, pretty obvious...though I'm still surprised you guys figured it out," David added.

"Dammit, my brilliant disguise has been seen through! I knew I should've worn a cape!" the axe man whined.

"Yeah, and now we're gonna kill you!" Yoko cried.

David looked at her. "Not that I care, but do you really want to kill a crazy old man? I mean, sure he tried to kill us, but...he probably needs mental help."

The old man was babbling about how he needed to feed his wife.

"Sounds perfectly sane to me... Yes yes, Dorothy's hungry, of course! Must give her flesh!" she agreed with the old man.

"Okay, whatever...," David said, losing interest.

"Watch me, I'll make you proud," Yoko said to the non-listening-or-watching plumber. She raised her rifle and put her eye to the scope, aiming for the old man's heart. The man continued to wave his axe in the air, talking to himself.

"Blah blah blah Dorothy! Something something feed her blah!" the axe man gibbered.

"Good night, sweet prince," Yoko whispered. Then she fired.

The shot went straight towards the heart, made impact, then came out the other side. The old man cried out in pain but did not bleed much or really take damage.

"What!?" Yoko wondered.

"Oh yes, I'm invincible!" the axe man exclaimed. "At least until you kill Dorothy. I wonder if she's the source of my shirtless old man powers? Oh dammit, I shouldn't have said that aloud..." He finally started walking forward, swinging his weapon around.

Exciting and yet scary action music started to play!

**.o End of Chapter o.**

Some not really funny parts, but that's just what came out... And I didn't want to remove it. I like it, it's just the wrong place for it, I think...

And where the hell am I going with this? I keep going back and forth between David and Yoko, and David and Kevin! I can't choose! Dammit!

Note: Albert Lester is the old man's name. I dunno if they say it in the game, and if anyone would notice if they did, so...yeah. And his name kinda resembles a certain (un)loveable blond, doesn't it?


	24. God Hates Me and You

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

**Chapter Twenty Four – God Hates Me and You**

"Shit...," Yoko sighed, shooting off a few more ineffective rounds before lowering her rifle dejectedly. As she wondered what to do, she was suddenly hit by a wave of dizziness, and her legs buckled under her. She barely managed to stay standing, and didn't notice the glance that David sent her way.

_That's right... The poison..._, she thought.

Meanwhile, Alyssa was busy wasting her shotgun ammo firing repeatedly at the _obviously_ invincible Axeman. After three or four rounds were wasted, George grabbed the shotgun from her and slapped her across the face.

"Hey! I'm gonna report you for malpractice, you stupid sonuva--"

"Shut up!" George screeched, breathing heavily and turning red in the face. Alyssa stared, her face showing something that might have been fear.

"What are you?" the doctor continued heatedly. "Some kind of...of...N00B!? You know I hate you damn n00bity N00B n00bs more than anything in the world, don't you? Always stealing the ammo and healing items, then wasting it on foolish hooplah like this. And do you know what I do to people like you? I--"

"AHEM. Psycho killer coming after you?" Albert interrupted, holding up his blood-encrusted weapon as a visual aide.

"Oh...yes," George responded, seeming to come out of his crazed state. "Right then. If I caused any inconvenience to you, please forgive me... Carry on, then."

"Thank you," Albert said, smiling under his mask. He resumed his slow, threatening walk towards Dorothy's food, swinging his axe occasionally to scare them even more.

"Wait, wait. I have an idea," Alyssa said. She drew back a fist and swung it towards Cindy, but not so fast as a punch. The ex-waitress made the same movement and their fists met.

"Wonder twin powers activate!" they exclaimed.

"Form of...bow!" Alyssa said.

"Shape of...arrow!" Cindy said.

There as a brilliant flash of light, and then, not very surprisingly, nothing else happened.

"...You guys are fucktards," David stated.

"I'm inclined to agree," George said.

"Honey!" Cindy gasped, shocked. She slapped him across the face. "You know, _you_ aren't the brightest fire in the underworld, but I don't pick on you about it!"

"'Brightest fire in the underworld...?'" Kevin muttered, cringing at the horrible lameness.

"Shut up," the angry blond snarled.

"_You_ messed it up, you dumb whore. What the hell are we going to do with _one_ arrow? You should've said a quiver of arrows or something!" Alyssa cried.

"No, _you_ should have picked a better weapon, like a bazooka!" Cindy shot back.

"_Neither_ of those things was the problem with your plan...," David sighed, severely aggravated. "Look, we just need to run for now, okay?"

"Riiight," Kevin replied, like a teen being irritated at being told what to do. But, he did as he was told, as did his companions.

Yoko's bout of weakness had passed, but for how long, she didn't know. She could feel the sickly beat of her heart in her chest, spreading the poison fully through her body as it beat too hard and too fast. She would need to find an antidote, and soon...

"Whoa, what a downer...," Kevin commented. Then, "On second thought, I hope you die. Man-stealer."

"She'll never find an antidote without my help," Cindy added.

"I hate you both with the intensity of a thousand suns," Yoko informed them.

Once they rushed through a door at the end of the hall, David shut the door behind them. "Dammit, we need some kind of plan. We need to get out of here," he said.

"I know!" Alyssa said.

"Another brilliant idea?" David grumbled.

"Yep!" The blond lifted up her leg and...let out a big ol' fart.

"Jesus muthafuckin' Christ!" Kevin screamed, swiping desperately at the air as the toxic gas filled his nostrils.

"Hey hey, is that kind of profanity really necessary?" Yoko asked, wondering if God would strike back.

"Yes. Yes it is," Kevin stated. Then he grabbed Alyssa and pushed her against a wall, bitchslapping her over and over and over and...

"Stop it! That hurts!" Alyssa sobbed, trying to think of some gee-I'm-being-slapped-more-than-something-something joke, but failing.

"No! That fart was AWFUL! And it brought our story down a notch lower, like it wasn't low enough already!"

"They always fart in comedies! I thought it was a good idea!"

"New rule: you can't have any more ideas," Kevin said, letting her fall to the ground, where she curled up in the fetal position.

"Wow, that was borderline disturbing. Even to a cold-hearted bastard like me," David said, staring wide-eyed at the scene of the woman-beating. Then he stared at the sharp edge of the axe that had just burst through the door.

"Where is this story _going_??" Yoko shrieked, falling on her knees and looking beseechingly at the concrete ceiling.

"I dunno, but it looks like we should run some more," David answered. He pulled the young woman to her feet and started running.

George and Cindy followed, then Kevin. Alyssa stayed on the floor and continued to rock herself. The Axe Man finished breaking the door down and walked through. He looked down at the traumatized blonde and shook his head in sympathy.

"It's no fun chopping up someone who's just laying on the floor, so I'll give you three--Oof!"

"Haha, sucker!" Alyssa exclaimed, withdrawing her foot from the geezer's crotch and leaping up. She ran away.

"Note to self: kill blonde bitches on sight," Albert squeaked. He collapsed on the floor, almost losing consciousness.

"Dammit, I thought we got rid of you," Kevin grumbled when Alyssa came down the stairs and caught up to them.

"It'll take a lot more than slapping to--Eeeeeeeee," Alyssa mewled, cringing at Kevin's raised palm.

The cop chuckled evilly, dropping his hand. "I guess there's something to be happy about, after all."

Cindy walked over and raised her hand threateningly, laughing aloud when Alyssa reacted in the same way. "Oh yeah, I could enjoy this."

"You guys are messed up," David said, while he violently kicked the big hunk of plant that blocked his way.

"What about that?" Yoko suggested, pointing at the hypodermic needle at his feet.

"Oh, a syringe? Let me handle it," George said, kneeling on the ground and picking up the object. He held it up to the light, looking at the clear gold fluid inside. Then he drew his arm back and chucked it at the plant.

"No!" David yelled, echoed by Yoko.

The syringe shattered as it hit the tough plant. The contents splashed over impeding vines, causing them to burn and wither away.

"Oh. I guess you aren't such a fucktard after all," David said, pleasantly surprised.

George ignored him, putting his hands to his face. "No, no! I killed another patient! God dammit, why!?"

"That's it, I'm leaving," David said flatly, striding past the distraught doctor and going around the corner. He looked down at a single vine that wound itself around his leg. Grunting in annoyance, he took his knife and cut the plant off. Yoko followed him closely as he made his way to the door nearby.

"My man-stealer senses are tingling," Kevin said, looking up from his Alyssa-slapping.

"You go. I'll finish your noble work," Cindy said.

"Mommy, why does Daddy hit me!?" Alyssa sobbed, attempting to protect herself from the blows.

"Because you're such a little bitch. And because Daddy's an alcoholic with anger management issues," Cindy replied in a sugary voice.

**.o End of Chapter o. **


	25. Losing Control

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

**Chapter Twenty Five - Losing Control**

Albert lay whimpering on the ground for a good ten minutes, holding onto his wrinkled family jewels. Okay, that was gross. But you know it's true.

About halfway through his recovery stage, those punk kids that would soon be Dorothy's food ran back through the hallway. They cruelly kicked the downed geezer in the stomach, back, and rear. It was all he could do to swat at them weakly with one hand as they laughed and laughed. That was until one of them, the Oriental one, started hacking and coughing up blood. The rest of them looked at each other and decided it was time to continue with whatever they were doing, so they left poor Albert alone.

When he finally convinced himself to get up, it was a bit of a battle. He first dragged himself to a sitting position, then tried to support himself on the wall, groaning at the pain that shot through him. He could feel 'em swelling and throbbing. Once he was back on his feet, he began awkwardly walking towards the door that they'd gone through.

.o.

David led the way back towards the door which they had originally come in through. While he would greatly enjoy running through this building being chased by a crazy old man with an axe, he had things to do - such as live. They had much better chances running through the woods, dodging a few dumb plant zombies, than sticking around with an invincible enemy.

Only one problem...

"Why won't it open!?" David muttered, cursing as he pulled and pushed and kicked at the door.

"It must be...the evil plants are holding it shut!" George exclaimed, his eyes bugging out at his smartness.

David punched him. He fell down.

"Hey! Just because you're necessary for some nice man-on-man action, doesn't mean you get to punch my sweetie!" Cindy said, her eyes flashing red. "I can always let Kevin have his way with your body after I kill you!"

"I don't care anymore, okay!?" David exploded. "I'm so tired of you idiots! Always with the impossibly stupid comments, the creepy flirting, the fighting like little kids! I didn't get a vasectomy because I love children! I did it because every time I see a kid, I wanna just punch him in the face! And being with you guys is like babysitting four severely retarded infants!"

"Um, there are five of us...," Yoko said, cowering.

"No there aren't! You don't count! Ever!" David corrected.

Yoko's mouth dropped open, and salty water pooled in her eyes. Then she began to bawl with all her heart and soul.

"You see what I mean!?" David demanded, pointing at her.

Kevin was wide-eyed. "Look, David, I love you and I hate her, but even _I_ think you're going overboard. Don't you think--"

"Yes, but do _you_ think? That's the problem. You may be the dumbest, gayest asshole I've ever met, Kevin. I don't want to be your boyfriend; I want you to die," the plumber said, apparently not done dishing it out.

"But... No... How could you...?" Kevin whispered, covering his face in his hands.

"I'm loving the suffering. Maybe this rage thing you've started will work," Cindy said approvingly.

With a screech of anguish, Kevin picked up the nearest object - Alyssa - and threw it as hard as he could. She screamed as she hit the door and broke it into splinters; landing on the floor, she became silent. Finally, his solution of chucking her at the problem had worked.

Everyone stared at the new escape route. David turned and looked at Kevin, his mouth wide open. He thought of saying something about how the cop actually was good for something after all, and how maybe he'd lost his cool for a second, but decided against it. He looked back at the doorway to see it being covered with what looked like a hundred thin ropes.

"The evil plants!" George sputtered, spitting out a small, white object.

"Oh love, did you lose a tooth?" Cindy said, getting down on one knee and looking George in the face. He grinned and revealed a gaping hole.

"Uhh...cute," the waitress said uncertainly.

"Graadkoiejvlkjdsaf!" David said to no one in particular. He was hacking at the evil plants with his knife, but it wasn't really working.

"I can't believe this crap!" Alyssa cried, coming back to her senses and sitting up.

"I know! We get a way out, and it's undone just like that! And I think I'm going to die from this poison! And David was so mean to me!" Yoko sobbed. "Life sucks!"

"No, I mean I can't believe that sad excuse for a doctor was right!" Alyssa said.

Cindy glared at the other blonde, opening her mouth to make a threat. Then, thinking about it, she realized that she agreed with Alyssa for once in her life. She shrugged and turned back to her love.

Sighing in relief, the reporter voiced the inevitable question:

"So, what the fuck are we gonna do now?"

There was no answer. David was still hacking away, but more slowly, as if he was growing tired. Yoko was crying quietly in a corner. Kevin was staring dejectedly into space, contemplating suicide. He wondered if there was a razor blade around, and was trying to remember if he was supposed to go across the highway or down the highway. Going across the highway did seem more dangerous and suicidal, he reasoned. George was in his own world again, seeming to lose that bright moment of lucidity that he'd recently enjoyed. And Cindy didn't really care about anything other than him; she knew that whatever happened, she could keep herself and her man alive.

Alyssa rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, you buncha losers. You two," she said, pointing in turn at Kevin and Yoko, "quit being such damn babies. So that asshole plumber hates you. Who cares? He'd probably get you pregnant and then walk out on you anyway. Or get drunk and smack you around whenever he got pissed off. Or..."

To the bitch's surprise, her eyes began tearing up. Memories began flooding back again.

"Oh daddy, why!?" she sniffed, breaking down. "Why don't you love me!?"

"She's crying again!" Kevin observed, snapping out of it a little.

Yoko rubbed at her eyes. "I suppose she's right. I can't lose it just because...because the man I want to sex up...just said I don't matter...," she said, seeming to lose confidence with every word.

"Yeah... And I guess I am pretty gay, like Davie said," Kevin agreed. Fortunately for him, he either missed or forgot the rest of David's comments.

The plumber was panting and sinking to his knees, dropping the knife on the ground. "It's useless... I'm screwed...," he said to himself.

"Don't give up! We'll find a way out!" Kevin cheered.

David looked at him but didn't bother to respond. He just got up and started walking.

"Uh, okay," the cop said, getting up and following like a dog at his master's heels.

"It looks like we're leaving, hun," Cindy said. She and George got up and also started walking.

Yoko stood at last and swayed for a moment, catching herself on a wall. She needed to find an antidote; she felt like she really might die otherwise. She took a few steps forward, keeping one hand on the wall to steady herself. Then she noticed that someone was still crying, and looked back towards Alyssa. The reporter was sitting there, alone, no longer aware of what was going on around her. Yoko thought about leaving her behind, but in retrospect, Alyssa had actually treated her relatively well...sometimes, almost like a friend. She was always a total bitch to, say, Kevin or Cindy, but with Yoko, she was almost nice. And she had even given her a pep talk...sort of.

The college girl walked back unsteadily and bent down, almost falling over as she extended a hand to the weeping woman. "Let's go, Alyssa. It's alright," she said softly.

The blonde stopped sobbing and sucked in a breath. After a moment, she looked up, wiping away her tears. A sharp look entered those pale blue eyes once again.

"I don't need your pity!" she snapped, slapping Yoko's hand away. She rose and pushed past.

"I mean, you're worse off than me!" she added, as though she were talking to herself. "I'm just glad I got you to quit your damn blubbering!"

Yoko smiled slightly. Alyssa was back to her old self, at least for the moment. And Yoko could see compassion through those harsh words of hers.

.o.

Cindy looked back when the last two women, one leaning against the other, caught up with the rest of the group. After giving it a thought, she pulled out her herb case and opened it. Taking out a piece of a bright blue plant, she handed it to Yoko.

"The antidote," she said simply.

"What...? Why...?" Yoko asked, more perplexed than suspicious.

"I've had a change of heart, that's all. Don't question it too much," Cindy replied.

"You'd make such a good nurse," George told her, putting an arm around her waist.

"You're sweet," the blonde said. The two continued walking, kissing, and causing everyone else to gag.

"Yeah, a nurse who picks and chooses when to let someone live. Great. I'll make sure to catch up to her and write an article on it. It'll be like a horror story," Alyssa said.

Yoko gave a weak chuckle, then looked down at the herb in her hand. "I wonder if she's trying to poison me."

"You're already poisoned," Alyssa pointed out.

"Oh. Good point." Making up her mind, the college student popped the plant in her mouth and chewed. It tasted rather bitter, but not in a terrible way. She still had some difficulty finishing chewing and swallowing, but she managed. She waited for it to take affect. Nothing changed.

"Move it," Alyssa told her. She did, deciding to give it more time.

.o.

"Uhhh David, where're we going?" Kevin asked.

"To Shut-the-fuck-up Land, that's where," David answered in his normal monotone.

"Sounds like a fun place, with the word fuck and all," the cop said lewdly.

"What the hell happened to you crying and leaving me the hell alone?"

"Hey, I wasn't crying. I was, you know...peeing with my eyes."

David glanced back. "That's disgusting. And since when do you care about crying or not?"

"Well...I may be gay, but I'm not a baby. I'm all man. Wanna check?"

"Hmph. This may be the first time you've acted at all like a man...except for the flirting with men thing," David said off-handedly.

"Aw, no way. What about that time I was all heroic and saved you from that one monster thing?"

"I don't remember that. I remember me saving your ass from some monster thing."

"Yeah, yeah, you're both manly men who save each other and have lots of buttsex. That's enough already," Alyssa said loudly.

"How did buttsex come into the picture?" David growled.

"I dunno, I just felt like saying it. Buuuttsecksss," Alyssa said slowly. "Hot. Though any kinda sex is good, really."

"We don't wanna hear about your weird fetishes, ho-bag," Kevin said.

"Go to hell, Ryman!"

Yoko cleared her throat. "Um...Cindy..."

The waitress looked at her. "Hm?"

"Thank you...for the medicine. I think it's working."

"Oh, no need to thank me...," Cindy said, grinning in an unsettling way.

Yoko wondered if there might be something wrong with that medicine, after all. Maybe she shouldn't have trusted the woman that she'd shot at...

.o End of Chapter o.


	26. Dumbass Title

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

**Chapter Twenty S-- I MEAN HAPPY SUPER MORAL LESSON FUN TIME!!  
**

Kevin walks into a deserted hallway. Stopping abruptly, he turns and looks at the audience, somehow knowing where you are. He looks serious, perhaps more serious than he has throughout this whole story. He puts his hands behind his back and clears his throat.

"Hey there, kids. I really appreciate you guys sticking with us through the course of this program. Thanks. But I think some of you are confused about some of the things we outbreak survivors do. I think we need to have a little talk.

"Some people live in denial for much of their lives, or even their whole lives. Can you imagine if you pretended to be a catapult for thirty-some years, when you were in fact, a llama? That would _not_ be cool. You'd be trying to throw giant boulders when you should be eating grass, or taking a big llama crap.

"What I'm trying to say here is that...you should be yourself. I came out of the closet when I was four years old, and look how I turned out!" he finishes, grinning and giving a thumbs up.

David ambles along at this point. He stares blankly at Kevin, then looks at the wall that Kevin is talking to.

"Don't tell me... You've finally gone of the deep end," he guesses.

"David! Be yourself!" Kevin cries, hurling himself at the plumber.

"Oh right... You jumped off the Stupid Cliff a long time ago," David grumbles as Kevin stands there with his arms wrapped around him, beaming.

"No really. Stop pretending you're straight," Kevin says, stepping back and putting his hands on his hips.

"What? God...not this again. I _am_ straight, you idiot," David groans.

"Nuh-uh! You're setting a bad example for the children!" Kevin says, pointing at 'you'.

"Can you make sense for three seconds?" David demands, grabbing Kevin and shaking him.

"C-can you marry m-me?" Kevin shoots back, feeling dizzy.

David hastily drops the cop. He turns his back, sighing in frustration.

Kevin gets back on his feet, facing the audience again. "So, uh, yeah! Be yourself!" he says yet again, shooting rainbow beams from his hands.

"Now time for a dance number!" He begins to do the can-can. Behind him, Yoko and Alyssa are conversing.

"You know...all this time, I just thought of you as the bitch who had sad-time sex with me," Yoko said. "But I can see you're really a good person under all that. And...I can see that David is a cold bastard who isn't capable of love."

"And I...uh...," Alyssa trailed off, searching for the perfect words.

"You're hot." She just grabbed Yoko and kissed her. Yoko kissed her back.

Then Cindy and George walked up.

"Hey, we were looking all...," Cindy trailed off. She smiled knowingly.

"Oh...goodness...," George said faintly, staring with eyes wide.

"Ta daaaaa!" Kevin panted, raising his arms and doing jazz hands. In the following quiet, he heard some slight noises behind him and turned around.

"Wha--ewww! Hey, get out of here! I was doing an educational segment!" Kevin huffed. He turned to David. "And stop pretending to enjoy this! We need to get back to surviving!"

"No thanks," David replied, watching the show with a hint of a smile.

Yoko and Alyssa were now on the floor, wriggling around in a tangle of arms and legs.

.o.

_Moments later, after a premature orgasm (Gawd, just kidding!)..._

"Hmm, now that the freakshow is over, we need to get back to business," Axeman said, walking onto the scene.

"Your MOM needs to get back to business!" Kevin yelled.

"Ooh, burn!" Alyssa said, making a sizzling sound as she poked her own boob.

Albert's brow furrowed. "What do you know of my mother's past sexual exploits? You're one of those homo-gays. That means you only hump the males. And my mother may be many things, but I'm quite sure she's still my mother."

Kevin and Alyssa cocked their heads from side to side like puppies, in confusion. And they didn't stop after several minutes.

"I need to start using crystal meth or something. I don't want to be here," David grumbled to himself as he glared at the head-cocking.

"Is crystal meth the one that makes you fly?" Yoko asked.

"No, it's the one that makes your power levels over nine thousand!!!11" Kevin cut in.

"Nuh-uh, you did not just make a tired old DBZ reference slash internet meme thingy," Alyssa said, shaking her head.

"But...but...all your base are belong to me!" Kevin replied.

"That's _my_ line, homo-gay!" George cried out.

"Oh fuck, we really need to get back to finishing this scenario or something. I don't think we've resolved anything in the last, like, three chapters."

"To be honest, we haven't really resolved anything for the entire story. Besides die and come back as super voodoo zombies," Cindy said.

"Is that what you are, devil-spawn woman!?" Kevin exclaimed.

Albert managed to fight his senility and/or thoughts of his crackwhore mother long enough to remember his mission. He grasped his axe in both hands and ran at Kevin and Alyssa with a warcry.

"Eeep!" Kevin screeched, hiding behind Alyssa.

"I forget, do we have guns?" Alyssa asked.

"Yeah, but they don't work because he's invincible from his evil plant powers!" Yoko explained.

"Oh shyte," Alyssa said, wanting to be special one last time before being hacked into little pieces. Then her arms dropped to the ground.

"Ahhhh this is really macabre all of a sudden!" she screamed as green fluid sprayed from the gaping shoulder holes.

"But at least your blood is green so it's less vomit-inducing to look at!" Yoko said, rushing to her true-love-of-six-minutes' side.

"That's true," Alyssa agreed sleepily as she landed in the Asian's arms.

"D-don't die on me, Alyssa! Then I'd have to go back to fighting the dumbass cop for the asshole plumber!" Yoko sobbed.

"I'm sorry, kiddo, but I'm pretty sure losing gallons of blood is going to kill me. I'm just glad I'll be able to see that nympho again...," the blonde sighed.

"You bitch!" Yoko said, hurting deep deep inside.

"Don't worry... You can come and have a lesbian threesome with us if you just...kill yourself... So...kill yourself...for me...," Alyssa said, her voice fading away. With her last words, she went into that long-ass coma known as death.

.o End of Chapter o.

Oh noes not Alyssa! Now who's going to be a semi-horny bitchy bitch? Is it you? Are you blonde?

PS I'm sorry! There are some issues I still haven't addressed. And I didn't put Jill or Sherry in but I do hope to do it at some point.


	27. Lesser Evils

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Lesser Evils**

Jill Valentine watched the giant television screen intently. The cushy recliner that she was sitting in was the only other object in this strange place that seemed to even exist; everything else was a black nothing, stretching off to eternity. Had the former S.T.A.R.S. member had the mind to give it consideration, she might've wondered what her recliner was resting on, or what wall the TV was mounted on. But, of course, she was preoccupied.

"I'm sorry, Miss Humpalot. I'm afraid you've been diagnosed with...nymphomania," the man-whore on the TV was saying. He wore a white coat and a stethoscope, but no pants.

"Oh no!" Jill mouthed silently at the same time as the 'actress'. "Is there any treatment?"

"Well, yes, but I'll need the help of my colleague here in order to--"

The porno flick stopped abruptly and the TV screen changed to an empty blue. Jill cursed loudly in the silence. Then the screen changed to show a row of four digits, separated by a colon - it was a clock displaying a countdown that was almost up. As the annoyed sexaholic watched, five seconds went to four, then three, two, one, and finally zero. Then two lines of white text appeared on the screen, and a nondescript male voice read it to her:

"Your time here is up. You will now be sent back to earth as an undead superbeing."

"No thanks. Put 'Sexy Diagnosis' back on, douche," Jill replied.

"Ha ha," the dull voice said, with absolutely no merriment in its voice. "Well, fuck you. I don't feel like it."

"Hey, you know what happens to TVs that don't do their job?" Jill said, standing up menacingly, her feet planted on the invisible or nonexistent floor.

"They are forced to play terrible sex videos? I apologize, but that has already--"

The argument between TV and idiot was interrupted by a sizzling sound, accompanied by a brief flash of green light. After the light faded, Alyssa was also standing in the black expanse, a few feet to Jill's right. Her head was smoking slightly, and her arms were still missing. She looked around, dazed and silent.

"Wow," Jill muttered. She looked from Alyssa to the TV. "Is that how I got here?"

"Oh, suddenly you care about the how?" the television asked her, its voice adopting a slightly bored tone.

"Nympho chick? Is that you?" Alyssa asked.

The ex-S.T.A.R.S. grinned. "God, Alyssa, I never though I'd--"

"Bla-DOW!" the TV voice shouted, and there was another flash of green light, this time where Jill was standing. She disappeared with another sizzling sound.

Alyssa stared in shock at the now-empty space. "What the hell... Dammit!"

"Ha ha ha ha," the TV said in its soulless way. "I love that one. That is a good one."

The blonde didn't know what was going on, but she was pretty damn sure that TV was laughing at her. It had probably made Jill go away again, too. She stomped over and stood in front of the rude piece of equipment, thinking of kicking it with her heeled shoes.

"Wait a minute. You do not want to hurt my beautiful face," the TV said, the slightest hint of alarm in its voice. "Why not sit down and watch some nice medical-themed intercourse, instead?"

Alyssa's eyes widened as flesh-colored video filled the huge screen, and plopped her armless self into the recliner, instantly forgetting about Jill.

.o.

"Come on!" Cindy urged, grabbing Yoko's hand and pulling. Just as Yoko got up, the Axe Man's blade hit the spot where she'd been sitting with Alyssa's corpse.

"Noooo!" Yoko screamed, pulling back.

"She'll be back, but if you're dead, you won't be able to see her," Cindy said, playing tug-of-war.

"W-what do you mean?" Yoko asked.

"Shut up and run!"

.o.

After running through room after room, they came to an examination room. David pushed a metal desk against the door then took a look around, finding that there was no door besides the one they'd just entered through.

"Shit!" David cried in frustration.

Kevin looked "Okay, here's the plan. We use Alyssa as bait--"

"Oh Alyssa! Why, why--" Yoko wailed.

"Hmm... Right, I forgot about that," Kevin said thoughtfully. "Well then, I got nothin'. I guess we'll die."

"Wait a minute. This wall looks funny," George said, looking closely at a doorway with a couple boards nailed over it.

"Whoa, yeah. I didn't even notice that was there," Kevin said.

George went over to one of the stools and picked it up, his arms straining from the weight. Then he chucked it at the boards, which burst into splinters instantly.

"Wow, you were actually useful! Again!" David said in amazement.

The group walked through the doorway to find another bed and cabinet. There was no exit.

"...There should be some secret treasure in here," George said.

"This isn't some Zelda game, moron!" David growled. Behind them, there were thumps on the door.

"I sense an evil rivaling my own," Cindy said all spooky-like.

"Hurry, check the drawers!" George ordered. "There should be a new item to help us kill--"

"We don't need any more of your suggestions!" David said.

The doctor didn't seem to be listening as he rooted around in the cabinet. He pulled out some syringes. "Um, potions?"

"Wow, I think something's really wrong with him," Cindy said, concerned.

"Aren't those the same thing that killed that plant like three chapters ago, when we were sorta kinda getting somewhere in the scenario?" Kevin asked.

"I'm surprised you remember," David said.

"Huh, me too," Kevin agreed.

Yoko's shriek interrupted their banter, as she spotted an arm squeezing through the door. The desk was slowly being pushed further and further and someone forced their way through.

"Well guys, this is it. I'm sorry you never admitted your love for me, David," Kevin said.

"Shut up already, will you?" the plumber snapped.

But to everyone's surprise, the newcomer wasn't a shirtless masked man with an axe. It was a middle-aged gent in a dark blue suit. He straightened his clothes and looked at each of them.

"I'm looking for a Mr. Kevin Ryman," he stated.

"Hi," Kevin said, waving.

"I'm Ernest Winklemeyer," the guy in the suit said.

Kevin giggled.

"I'm here about your discrimination case," the newcomer continued.

"What?"

"You wanted me to help you in a case against David King, regarding gender discrimination?"

"I get it now. He's a lawyer," Cindy said, understanding her earlier feelings.

"I don't know what-- Oh wait. Oh, oh shit," the cop stuttered.

"What did you say?" David asked, anger creeping into his voice.

"Oh God. I... I called him up when I was still drunk and pretty pissed off, just before we got into this whole zombie thing. Look Mr. Tinklewinkle, this is a mistake," Kevin explained.

"It's Tinklemeyer," the lawyer said, sounding just slightly miffed. "And are you trying to tell me that I came all the way out here to the middle of nowhere for you to change your mind?"

"Uh, pretty much. Sorry?"

"I'm afraid sorry won't cut it. I'll need some form of compensation, at least."

"Fine then. Here," Kevin said, pulling one of his money sacks out of his pants and tossing it to the lawyer.

"Hm... Nice working with you," Tinklemeyer said, before disappearing in a column of fire and smoke. The scent of brimstone hung in the air.

"Ooh. Maybe a bit much, but I like it," Cindy said approvingly.

"Hold on. Let me get this straight. You were going to, what, sue me for not being gay with you?" David asked, more shocked by the stupidity than angry now.

"I told you, I was drunk. I would never try to sue you, even if you are a jerk sometimes. And you know, at least it wasn't the axe guy," Kevin said with a shrug.

"But then where's the old man who was chasing us?" Yoko wondered.

.o.

Albert Lester was lost. Not only that, but he had a very important question that he couldn't seem to find the answer to...

"Why don't my grandkids ever visit me!?" he sobbed to a very sympathetic weed zombie. The undead plant monster nodded, gnawing on Albert's invincible hand.

"Also, where's my wife? Hmm, I remember during the war, I was driving a Sherman, and... Who the hell are you!?"

.o End of Chapter o.


	28. And Then He Saw the Light

Hey, I know it takes me for-freakin'-ever to update this thing, but I'll tell you, I'm not going to give up on it. It just takes me a while to get around to starting a new chapter. So thanks to everybody for sticking around so long, and if you're still here, there will be another chapter someday.

**Chapter 28 - And Then He Saw the Light**

The gang had located and snuck up on Albert Lester. How they could ever sneak up on anyone was a mystery, but it might have had to do with the fact that the Axeman was no longer so concerned with axing people, as he had fallen into the horrible pit of super-senility. His would-be victims were watching him with their heads peeking out from around a corner. As they say in Pokie Mon, it was SUPER EFFECTIVE!...but only because of Lester's unfortunate condition. Any sane person would have spotted them yesterday.

Then, for some reason, Kevin coughed loudly into his fist.

"Shhh!" Yoko hissed. The Axeman looked around confusedly, saying he didn't want to take the blue pill.

"I'm coughing, asshat! How do I 'sh' that?" he snapped, still loudly.

David, looking impatient, suddenly turned and grabbed the front of Kevin's uniform.

_He's finally gonna kiss me!_ Kevin thought with mad glee, as the plumber tilted his head in.

Instead, David struck Kevin's face with his skull, knocking the noisy fool out, and probably breaking his nose in the process.

Yoko stared down at the unconscious cop, then looked at David. "Can we leave him for dead? Then I'll have you all--"

"NEVER!" David said, uncharacteristically loudly.

Yoko didn't shush him because he was hot. But she looked at Kevin again, doubtfully. "Then you know who's going to have to carry him..."

.o.

"Oooooof!" George said, straining with great effort. He followed the others away from Lester, but now at a very slow pace.

"He's too old for this," Cindy said worriedly.

"He's really not that old, people," David said, glaring. Who these plural 'people' were was another mystery. "I mean, come on. Middle age is just that - middle fucking age. It's the middle of a guy's life! He ain't old yet! You damn kids need to stop acting like everyone over thirty is from the dinosaur age."

"Oh dear gawd, he's turning into one of _them_!" Yoko said. "No, it can't be! I can't lose another love to something...horrible!"

The plumber growled something under his breath, but he seemed to be done with his speech. He just shot dirty looks at the others.

"Now he's going to buy a shiny red sports car and get hair plugs!" Yoko went on.

"I still have all my hair, you crap sack!" David said. "And it's prettier than that hack job you've got!"

"But you know," Yoko said, seemingly missing his statement, "I think sports cars are super sexy. Especially shiny ones."

"Then I'll be sure to never get one. I won't even ride in one in case you mistake me as the owner," David said.

Yoko looked about to whine when there was a groan from George's strained, old man back.

"'ey Daybid, dat 'eally 'ert," Kevin said.

"Get that -bleep- out of your mouth and talk so I can understand you, or shut the hell up," David said nonchalantly.

"'Ait, -bleep- id censhored now?" Kevin asked, confused.

Yes, well, I find -bleep- to be more vulgar than fuckdamnshit, the author replied.

"Wut?" Kevin said stupidly.

"Try not to cry too much," David said in response to Kevin's seemingly inane question. Those six words were his only warning before he grabbed Kevin's nose and forced it back into place. Kevin screamed shrilly, but managed to retain some small part of his manliness by not immediately bawling. His tears flowed steadily, but silently, down his cheeks.

"Good job," David said absently, and probably sarcastically. But Kevin clung to that bit of potential praise like that chick from Titanic clung to that hunk of wood or whatever.

"My God, Donahue's been hit! And he's screaming like a girl!" Lester said, pulling his hand out of the drooly mouth of the weed zombie. He held his axe in both hands like it was a rifle and charged towards the survivors.

"He has a gun! Run away!" George yelled dramatically. He dropped Kevin and started to jog down the hall.

"Hey! What about me?" Cindy called after him. "I mean, I can protect myself way better than you, but there's the damn principle of it!"

George skidded to a stop, which was fortunate because he'd been about to run into a huge vine that was blocking the hall. One of the little baby vines had been ready to grab his leg and tug annoyingly for three seconds. But he avoided that fate and ran back to Cindy.

"I'm sorry, my love! I don't know what I was thinking!" he said as he ran to her with arms open.

She held her own arms out. "Don't worry, I don't mind that you're a geezer! I love old people!" She seemed to be on a different conversation than him.

George gasped and skidded to a second stop. "Is that what you think of me? What are you, some kind of reverse-pedophile?"

"No, a reverse pedophile would be a kid who wants to do an adult. She would be a gerontophile," Yoko said.

Now George turned his shocked eyes to Yoko. "You're smarter than me? It can't be!"

"Nobody cares! Use one of those syringes on that plant and let's get this story over with!" David said.

"But...I care," George said softly, his eyes filling with tears.

"Now look what you've done! You've harmed his geezer psyche!" Cindy said.

David let out a nearly-incoherent stream of curse words. "Just do it already!"

"Take it, if it's more important to you than our friendship!" George sobbed, holding out one of his 'potions'.

"Finally," David breathed.

He grabbed the syringe, wound his arm back, and chucked it at the pulsing bubble thing on the giant vine ahead. Time slowed down for dramatic effect. The syringe tumbled through the air and spun end over end, and all the while, some generic victory song played in the background. No, not that one. I mean the one from Final Fantasy, that goes doo-doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo-doo! You know, after you win one of those damn annoying random battles. Oh, now I'm rambling. Back to the thing I was talking about. The syringe traveled through the air for what seemed like forever. The Axeman drew closer and closer, his voice now deep and comical from the slow-mo effect.

Then time regained its normal pace and the syringe finished its flight, missing the vine by a bare inch and smashing on the concrete floor of the hall.

"Well, that was fucking dumb," David said. Then, realization dawned on his face. "Jesus, I _am_ becoming one of them! I'm becoming one of these 'tard mongers that I've been dragging around with me!"

"It's okay, David. I'm here for you," Yoko said, touching his arm.

"Bee too," Kevin said from the ground, snuffling blood boogers.

David looked from one to the other, having another convenient epiphany. "You know, I just realized something..."

"Ah HA!" Lester said from behind the plumber. He jammed the handle of his weapon into David's back and pulled the imaginary trigger on his imaginary axe-gun. Then he looked down, alarmed. "Oh shit, I got a jam. COVER ME, BAKER!" Then he dove dramatically to the side, launching his face right into the corner of a steel table and cracking his head open. He lay on the ground motionless, and as the stunned survivors watched, a pool of blood rapidly formed around his head.

His friend the zombie, who had been following behind him, began to munch on his brains.

**.o End of Chapter o.**

I'm happy to hear any feedback about what you want to see, or any mistakes I made, so keep it coming (would you kindly?)! That aside, thanks again for reading!


	29. Superpowah

Note: Some of the requirements to get through certain parts have been changed or ignored for convenience. And oh em gee, it's been a long time! Anyone even play REO anymore? Oh well, the spirit is still alive! Hopefully.

Chapter 29 - Superpowah

"Okay, what's my motivation now?" David asked, watching the zombie continue to consume the not-so-invincible Axe Man.

"Friendship!" George answered.

"Love!" Kevin said.

"Lust...," Yoko said, her eyes wandering...'around'.

"No, no," David said, staring at the ceiling to avoid looking at Yoko. Then he grew thoughtful. "But I do remember something about friendship or love or some cheesy crap like that."

_Flashback to forty seconds earlier..._

_"Well, that was fucking dumb," David said. Then, realization dawned on his face. "Jesus, I _am_ becoming one of them! I'm becoming one of these 'tard mongers that I've been dragging around with me!"_

_"It's okay, David. I'm here for you," Yoko said, touching his arm._

_"Bee too," Kevin said from the ground, snuffling blood boogers._

_David looked from one to the other, having another convenient epiphany. "You know, I just realized something..."_

"Ahhh yeah," the plumber said. "But that ain't it. We just killed the big boss guy, or more like he killed himself. What are we going to run from now?"

"Hmm, how about the other million enemies we still have to deal with?" Cindy asked, sounding exasperated.

"Bwahahaha! You fools!" a voice boomed from nearby.

"Please tell me that's not the old half-naked guy," David groaned.

"No, it can't be. He was all not-moving and bleeding and everything. Definitely dead," Cindy replied.

"Or undead! OoOoOoh!" George said.

"The undead can't talk. They just moan and stuff," David pointed out.

"Hey! Just look over here! Don't ignore me, you insufferable riffraff!" the mystery voice called out.

So they looked over and saw an empty-skulled Albert Lester brandishing his axe at them once more.

"I feel better than ever! Having no brain is really liberating! I can see why so many people prefer it over the alternative," Lester said, looking meaningfully at the camera.

"God...fucking...," David stuttered, and then he spouted a string of incomprehensible words.

"I told you, you cannot kill me!" Lester cried, letting out another menacing laugh.

"Did you?" Cindy asked. She looked at George. "Did he? It's been so long since the last..."

Her final, very true word was cut off by the Axe Man's warcry as he charged at them once more. David now knew he would have more time to figure things out as the gang ran from their pursuer once again.

"Hurry up and give me another...another potion!" he told George, holding his hand out while he ran.

"I understand!" George replied, nodding vigorously as he handed a syringe over.

David fumbled with it for a moment, nearly dropping it before catching it again. He continued to run and reached the plant which was blocking the corridor. Then the syringe was finally used in the appropriate manner instead of being thrown around; the plant matter shriveled and died as the needle delivered its poison, leaving a clear path across the hallway. There were slight rumblings in the building from the removal of the plant appendage.

"Oh great!" David said, seeing that they were at the end of the hall and there were only two doors, no exit or stairs.

"He's still invincible," Yoko informed them as she shot at their stalker.

"Now what?" Kevin asked, looking to David expectantly.

"Okay, I have a plan," David said. "Follow me!"

Then he ran off to door on the left and pulled it open, stepping in for a moment before coming back out. "No wait, not in there, over here!" he corrected. He crossed and went to the last door and went inside, the other survivors at his heels. He ran through the room to the next one over, then exited back into the hall and ran along.

"What's your plan?" Kevin asked as he kept pace with David.

"Huh? That was it!" the plumber replied, leading the group through another door at the end of the hall and up some stairs.

"What do you mean? That didn't get us anywhere!"

"Yeah, it did!" David said, scowling. "We got out of that dead end!"

"That's it? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one!"

"No, remember, I just figured out that I'm dumb like you guys! That's what the last chapter's title was about!"

"Nuh-uh! It was about you figuring out that you're in love with me! Everyone's been waiting to see what happens and now they know!"

"Do not!" Yoko cut in. "It could still be either of us!"

"You love that blonde dead bitch, remember?" Kevin stated.

"No one remembers, that's the problem!"

"It's neither of you, how's that?I didn't say anything about loving someone!" David said.

"Bees!" George interjected.

"Shut up, doc. We're having a very important discussion a.k.a. recap session!" Kevin said.

"BEES! BEES!" George continued, screaming hysterically.

The three who had been arguing finally noticed that they had made their way to the roof and that there were indeed bees buzzing around. Big bees.

"Oh no, I'm allergic!" Yoko said.

"The thing about that..." David commented, thinking that it would probably be very horrible to be stung either way.

"We have to get back inside!" Yoko said. But they could hear the axe geezer huffing and puffing as he came up the ladder.

"Let's go on ahead! Maybe if we keep going we'll finish this scenario before we're as old as he is!" David said. Cindy nodded agreement. The plumber led the way through the door up ahead as they ducked and dodged out of the way of the enormous insects.

On the other side of the door, there were still more bees. The group began firing and swatting at the bugs. After downing one bee, Kevin turned to see another come flying towards Yoko's back. She was obviously unaware.

_Should I help her? Maybe she isn't competition anymore, but I still don't like her...but then again..._

As the cop wondered what to do, the precious milliseconds ticked by. Before he knew it, it was too late for him to do anything, even if he wanted to. But someone else had been watching.

"Oof!" Yoko grunted as something threw her to the ground.

"What the hell, Yoko? Didn't I tell you to kill yourself for me? And then you go and almost have a bee do it for you!" a voice reprimanded her.

Yoko sucked in a breath, tears stinging her eyes as she turned around. "Alyssa! My--" she paused as she saw that the former reporter was still armless.

"Yeah, I know. It sucks. But the one thing I really would've missed doing...well, you can do it for me, can't you?" Alyssa asked with a wink.

"Yup, still the same old Alyssa," Yoko sighed, but there was some happiness to the sigh.

"Damn straight," the blonde replied. She turned to Jill, who looked around indignantly.

"Oh, now you notice I'm still here!" she said to no one in particular.

"Uh...right. Anyway. Sorry, nympho-girl, but I guess it's about time for me to settle down...become a one woman woman," Alyssa said.

Jill shook her head sadly. "The adventures we could've had, bitch-girl. But oh well. I'll find that Chris Redfield guy again. He's supposed to become less of a boring, All-American, goody-goody douche, and a lot more rugged and manly-looking in the newest game."

"Is that what this is to you? A game?" Alyssa demanded.

"Would you people just shut up already?" David interrupted. He took George's last syringe and stabbed it into the last plant segment, causing it to die. The building shook and rumbled again.

"Time to finish this thing off," Cindy said. She hopped through a hole in the floor.

"Wait for me, my love!" George said, jumping after her.

.o.

They rushed downstairs with the Axe Man following close behind, being all crazy and homocidal. As the group reached their destination, David slammed the door shut behind him and pushed a shelf in front of the door.

"We have to be quick. He has an axe, you know," Cindy said.

"Yeah, didn't notice that one," David said, as said axe started stabbing through the door and the back of the shelf.

"Let's end this, you crazy bitch," Kevin said, whipping out his .45 and loading it. I mean, he maybe probably still has ammo...who knows?

"Oh, you wanna go? Let's do this," Alyssa responded, pulling her shotty out from under her skirt and pumping it. All with her mouth, of course, since she's still armless. Yeah, now it's weird.

"Not _you_, the crazy plant bitch...thing," Kevin said. "Maybe I'll finish you later. Or just smack you around again...it's funny to see you cry."

Alyssa glared at him but said no more. She waited while the rest of the gang pulled out their weapons and cocked them, badass style.

"Eat lead, muthafucka!" David roared, which was the cue for everyone to start blasting away at the big crack in the plant's protective shell. With eight people shooting, it was over very quickly.

"Wow, that felt like cheating," Alyssa said, seeming a little disappointed somehow.

"Well, normally you would have half the number of players--" George explained.

"Boring!" the blonde cut him off. Then she dodged out of the way as a large hunk of ceiling fell on the floor.

"Again, you idiots are yapping away when we're about to DIE," David growled.

"Well, our exit's blocked. What do you want from me?" Alyssa replied.

David turned to see the Axe Man stepping over the broken bits of shelf and coming towards them. The gang prepared to fight.

.o.

Albert Lester faced his enemies with bravery. His magical wife plant was dead or dying, thus his invincibility was gone. Yet, he would stand and fight.

"Get off my lawn!" he roared, holding his axe with both hands and shaking it above his head. A small, hard object hit his head and fell to the floor next to him, but he ignored it. He would mind no pain until either he or his enemies were dead. His courage must have frightened his attackers, because they ran down the hall and cowered behind a pile of rubble.

.o.

"It hit him and he didn't react at all. He might be an even bigger moron than Kevin or George," David said wonderingly. "Where did you get that thing, nympho?"

"Huh? Don't ask me, I wasn't paying attention," Jill answered.

"Maybe that's her crazy zombie power. Making crap like that just appear," Kevin hypothesized.

Everyone ducked as there was an explosion from down the hall. Pieces of Albert Lester rained down and everything became covered in a thin layer of red.

"Yeah, she makes grenades appear out of thin air and doesn't even know it," David said sarcastically, but actually he wouldn't be surprised.

"Nope, actually it's this," Jill said. She flew up and away through the nearest window yelling, "I'm coming for you, Redfield!"

.o End of Chapter o.


	30. Psychadelic Passtime

Wheeee.

**Chapter 30 - Psychadelic Passtime**

The tragic explosion of Albert Lester should be a warning to us all: Don't become a servant of the plant monsters. Kill your oppressors before they get _you_ killed. But how did the Axe Man come to be? Why did he lose his mind and start murdering people, thinking his wife had somehow taken on the form of a giant plant? For the answer, we must delve into his past...

.o.

_A young and less shirtless Albert sat at a kitchen table, staring down at a plate of half-eaten pork chops and green beans. He poked apprehensively at the veggies with his fork._

_"Daddy, do I really have to eat this?"_

_A man in his late thirties was also sitting at the table. He happened to be wearing only boxers and a cheap, plastic fireman's hat. He glanced around then leaned towards his son._

_"You'd better do it," the man said. He held up his hands, and in one he was holding a knife. In the other, he held a teddybear. "Or Mr. Shuffles gets it."_

_The child gasped. "Not Mr. Shuffles!"_

_"Sha la la la," the father growled. He dropped the bear on the table, belly up, and poised his knife over it..._

.o.

Now, back to our survivors, who were standing around in the woods not far from the crumbling clinic.

"Well, that didn't really explain anything...did it?" Kevin said, turning it into a question at the last second, as if he knew he couldn't be sure of anything these days.

"You are correct, sir!" Cindy affirmed.

"What in the six circles of hell are you two talking about?" David demanded. Normally he would be urging them to keep moving, but they'd just gotten through one scenario and he was allowing himself a break. Besides, the weed zombies were nothing compared to giant bees and shirtless old men.

"You mean nine circles," Cindy stated, then sighed. She started muttering to herself, "There's no fear anymore. No one even bothers learning about the most horrible place possible."

"You would know!" Kevin shrieked with a sneer, pointing dramatically at her. "I told you guys, she's an evil, evil...uh, I'm not really sure what, but EVIL!"

He looked around to find he was alone with her; the others had wandered off to examine some colorful mushrooms growing nearby.

"What do you think?" David was asking Yoko. "Is it food, does it get you high, or does it finish the job that all these freaks have been totally failing at?"

"WHORE!" Kevin exclaimed, stomping over to the others, as much to avoid being alone with Cindy as it was to scream at the Asian. "Get away from my man!"

"Not your man," David stated automatically.

"No longer interested. I...think. That's what Alyssa's here for, right?" Yoko said uncertainly, looking over at the reporter, who waved the bloody nubs that used to be her arms.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm hungry!" Alyssa said. She smacked her face into the ground and started gobbling up the mushrooms.

"Alyssa, no! What if it fucks you up the bad way?" Yoko cried.

"I can't die, I'm magic and undead!" Alyssa said.

"Tell that to Mark and Jim," Cindy replied.

"Who and who?" Alyssa asked through a mouthful of fungus.

"Way to leave some for the rest of us," David said. "I'm hungry too, dammit."

"We all are. I mean, we go for hours and hours in level after level, but how many times do they let us eat, sleep, or take a crap?" Kevin said.

"Yeah! Who do those bastards think they are?" Cindy joined in. "I mean, I need a shower! George needs a shower! Alyssa _really_ needs a shower!"

"Why does everyone hate me so much?" Alyssa demanded, finally realizing how all the negativity was focused on her.

"You know what you did...," Kevin replied with a glare.

"Shut your traps. Break time's over, so let's get a move on," David said.

"Right. What's the plan?"

"Well, we need to walk out of these woods and out of Raccoon. That's our only hope. Anyone have a clue where we should go? Do you remember which direction we came from before we ran into that stupid geezer?"

"I do! I know exactly where we have to go!" Cindy said with a grin.

"Then we do the opposite of whatever she says," Kevin said.

"Do you want to die?" the blonde asked him menacingly.

"No. I still have to sex David up."

"I'm glad you understand. Now, I know for a fact that we should go that way," Cindy said, pointing off to a nondescript section of woods.

"Are you sure about this, David?" Kevin whispered.

David shrugged. "What the hell else am I going to go on?"

.o.

"Hey, are you alright?" Yoko asked, watching Alyssa stumble and hearing the blonde muttering to herself.

"Oh, sure. But I'd be even better if my skin would stop moving and the trees would just SHUT THE HELL UP! Seriously!"

"I guess we know what kind of mushrooms those were," David said.

"Too bad she ate 'em all," Kevin sighed.

"Oh no... Bambi's eating his dead mom," Alyssa sniffed. "That movie is, like, soooo tragic."

"Great, now she sounds like a cheerleader. If only she looked like one," David commented.

"Yeah, you damn eyesore!" Kevin yelled, shooting Alyssa a nasty look. But she was oblivious to the hurtful words.

"Shhhh!" Yoko hissed, her skin looking very pale.

Kevin stuck his tongue out at her. She only continued to stare off into the woods, so he looked too.

"Holy shit! Bambi really _is_ eating his mom!" he shrieked.

"What-part-of-'shhh'-don't-you-understand?" Yoko demanded in a harsh whisper.

Bambi looked up from the corpse and growled...somehow. The baby deer's eyes were glowing red, and its teeth were long and sharp.

"Damn, this is the part where we have to run again, isn't is?" David asked.

"No, no... I got this," Yoko replied. She dropped to one knee and raised her sniper rifle to peer into the scope. Bambi started to run towards them.

"Shoot!" Kevin squealed, having pulled out his .45 and finding it empty from their previous battle.

"Not yet..." Yoko answered.

"Stop being all dramatic and shoot!"

"Hold on..."

"Oh, screw you! Let's run, Davie!" Kevin said, tugging at the plumber's arm.

"Get off me," David said gruffly, tugging back.

Unfazed by Kevin's flipping out, Yoko got the perfect shot and blew off the top of the zombie fawn's head. Bambi kept running for a moment, keeping momentum until it sailed to the ground and crumpled in a heap. Warm blood droplets splattered on Yoko's face and clothes.

"That was totally B.A.... Yeah...," she said quietly to herself.

"Well, I'm going to B.M. on your S.F. if you ever scare me like that again," Kevin huffed.

"You're gonna crap on her San Francisco?" David asked with mock-incredulity.

"No, on her Stupid Face. Duh," Kevin said.

"Oh right, I forgot. You're an idiot who makes absolutely no sense about...ninety percent of the time," David said.

"Aw, that's so mean!" Kevin sniffed. "I'm sorry, but people say stupid things when they're in love, you know!"

"Okay, I need to barf now," Alyssa said, bending over and vomiting a bunch of half-chewed, half-digested shrooms.

"Are the mushrooms toxic after all?" Yoko asked worriedly.

"No, it's just Kevin," the reporter replied. "I've seen a lot of nasty things in my life... Done a lot of nasty things... But never has anyone sickened me so much, just by opening his mouth."

"I'll smack you good, woman!" Kevin said, raising a hand.

"No!!" Alyssa shrieked, cowering.

David chuckled at their silly, morally-questionable antics. And then he realized that he was kind of, sort of...having fun. Just a little bit. And the realization disturbed him. He shook it off and cleared his throat.

"Okay, you idiots! Time to go! We can slap Alyssa while we walk!"

.o End of Chapter o.

Dangit, I totally mean to bring some other characters in (whether they'll be ones who have come and gone in this story, or totally new ones, I don't know), but I keep forgetting. Anyhoo, thanks for reading!


	31. Big Spender

**Chapter 31 – Big Spender**

"That's it. Blondes will be the downfall of all mankind. I swear I will never, ever listen to one again. In fact, I'm going to pimp-slap each one I see from now until the day I die. And I'm probably going to die _this_ day, because of these damn blondes!" David roared as he ran.

"H-hey," Kevin panted, keeping stride with the plumber. "How about you add, 'I should've listened to Kevin. He's not only mind-blowingly sexy, but he's super-smart, too.'"

"Sorry, but even_ I_ put limits on the untruthfulness of my lies," David said, without a shred of sincerity.

"Come on, I totally nailed it that Cindy was going to--"

"Shut up! I need to concentrate on not dying!" David interrupted. He ran harder, wishing somewhere in the back of his mind that he hadn't downed quite so many beers on those lonely nights. He didn't want to go down the way Mark had...

Kevin tackled David to the ground as a Hunter charged past, its enormous claws gouging the air. Then he remained on top of the plumber, his eyes staring around cautiously while his hand casually groped David's ass.

"You really want to die, don't you?" his molestation victim snarled, shoving the cop with all his strength and standing up. "Just let one of those things murder you and save me the trouble!"

"Hey, that was totally an accident! Except for the saving your life part, that was all me, and you should really--"

"Move!" David ordered as the Hunter came at them again. He backed up as the creature started swiping at him.

"Get down!" Yoko said.

David dove to the side and hit the ground, hearing a loud gunshot and the thud of the Hunter's body falling over. He looked around for more threats and saw Cindy killing the last Hunter left with her brain-splodey powers.

She turned and grinned at David. "What a horrible adventure with that ham demon. Whew!"

"What ham demon, you crazy bitch!? You led us right into those things!" David said, picking himself up off the ground.

"Sorry, I really thought this way was the way out of Raccoon," Cindy said, looking innocent. She didn't fool anybody, except maybe George.

"I should kill you right now," David growled.

"Yeah, go ahead and try," Cindy replied, putting her hands on her hips.

"Come on, guys. Don't fight, not now. David, I'm sure that Cindy...meant well, or at least she's sorry," Yoko said, her voice strained with the effort of telling such a lie in a pleasant voice.

"Yeah! Plus she led us right to that hot babe!" Alyssa added.

Yoko looked at her, glad that the reporter was supporting her point but not quite glad for the way she'd put it. She also wasn't sure who the babe she was referring to was. Then she surveyed her surroundings and spotted the topic of Alyssa's interest.

The woman standing at the street corner. She had a pretty face and light brown hair, and she wore hot pants, tall boots and a small shirt with a large vertical gap in the front. There was some kind of blue-white skirt-cape hanging off the side of her almost non-existent shorts, as well as other confounding accessories and articles of clothing on her body. In one hand, she held a staff with a large circular symbol at the end. She had her free arm over a bunch of papers, and on the topmost paper, you could see the words "WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? RATES STARTING AT JUST$5 PER HOUR!"

"Hold on!" Alyssa said, continuing to stare at the woman. "$5 for an hour with _that_?"

Yoko had a look of jealousy mixed with confusion. "I wonder why she's standing there advertising at a time like this. And why doesn't she just steal money if she--"

"Sh! The grownups are talking!" Alyssa said.

"But weren't you talking to yourse--"

"Quiet, she's coming over!"

Yoko became quiet, but she looked quite upset. Now George was the one looking confused.

"My goodness, that girl looks familiar...," he said, squinting his eyes.

"Hi guys," the woman said, starting to hand out her flyers. "We're having a special price for a limited time only."

George looked down at his paper and a damp spot formed on his pants.

"Wait. You're not a hooker?" Alyssa asked, staring at the shortness of the short shorts. "That's not possible!"

"Gross, George just peed himself. At least, I _hope_ that's pee...," Kevin said.

"George dear, what did I say about getting that excited over anything besides me?" Cindy said.

"I don't believe you've said anything--" George said worriedly.

"Exactly," Cindy said, and the two started to furiously make out.

"Oh God, I almost forgot about that and now it's worse than ever!" David groaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

The unfamiliar-yet-possibly-familiar woman looked around at everyone and wondered what she'd gotten herself into. There was definitely something wrong with these people.

"Um, so...are you guys interested in the Gaming Arena or what? It's...'the best gaming center in Raccoon', or something... Only five bucks."

"I'll do you one better! I'll buy your fine establishment for this many!" George said, pulling his money sack out of God-knows-where and handing it to her.

"Well, I don't really own...," the woman started, but she looked in the sack and her eyes grew large. "Okay, you have yourself a deal," she amended. Then she shut the bag and started to walk away quickly.

"Hold on, baby!" Alyssa said, running after her. "Come and hang with us! We'll treat you nice!"

"She's going from flirting with other girls to being totally creepy... Oh no, she's reverting! Her sexual boundaries are breaking down again!" Yoko exclaimed.

"Must be the shrooms," Kevin said, standing next to her.

"You think so?" she asked softly, her eyes hopeful.

"No."

.o.

The gang sat around on couches and computer chairs and ate snack food. They also enjoyed some BAWLS, which apparently gamers needed in order to stay up all night leveling up in their MMORPGs.

"Grarrr," said Kevin.

"Grrrrr," Alyssa answered.

"Pbbbt," went David, rolling his eyes.

"That's not how you play, Davie," Kevin said.

"Play what, you friggin' idiot?" David asked coolly.

"I...don't know," Kevin said. He looked down, ashamed, then suddenly jumped up and pointed at the cosplaying woman. "Hey! You're that lady who was looking for the brain-dead cop!"

"Then she already found you," David said.

"No, I mean-- well, that wasn't very nice," Kevin sniffed. But he kept his attention fixed on Ada.

"Yeah, you figured me out," the spy said, clapping slowly and sarcastically. "I'm still looking for Leon, okay? I went undercover..."

"As an advertisement skank for a gaming place?" David asked disbelievingly.

"Okay, no, I just...needed the money."

"What are you, stupid? Anyone who would've paid you must be dead, unless they happened to be in our group, and theyr'e _not_," David said.

"Actually, now he is," Ada said, and pointed at George, who was probably wetting his pants again as he simultaneously tried to play every video game system in the building.

"But why are you still here? He gave you his big sack of money," Kevin pointed out.

"If I'm going to find Leon, I think I'll have a better chance if I stick with you guys. You seem to have a knack for running into interesting people and things. Plus, that girl used to be with Umbrella," she said, pointing at Yoko, "and that girl's some kind of demon spawn," she added, pointing at Cindy. "And like you said, you're just about the only people left living in this city, and there must be _some_ reason for that."

Yoko looked at Alyssa and saw the blonde staring and...was that drool? Yes, Alyssa was drooling while staring at Ada's chest region.

_Just what I need,_ she thought. _More competition. Will these relationship troubles ever be resolved?_

"Yeah, that's what I wanna know. When's David going to stop being in denial and confess his everlasting love for me?" Kevin asked, looking at the ceiling beseechingly.

"Shut up!" David said, and knocked Kevin out again.

.o End of Chapter o.

For those of you who were confused, the ham demon line was out of Invader Zim. And Ada Wong is dressed as Yuna from Final Fantasy X-2.

Oh and sorry to anyone who's annoyed with the gang still not doing a scenario. This chapter actually was intended to bring them back into Raccoon so that we could get back on track. And another character has joined the party, so it's cool, right?


	32. Run Like

I understand completely if you completely forgot what happened up 'til now and/or people have quit reading. Sorry this chapter's short.

**Pink Squirrel Orgies**

**Chapter 32 - Run Like...Oh, you know**

Many hours of gaming enjoyment were had. Well, it was more like two. It would have been longer if it weren't for the, what was it? Oh yes, the...

"Zombies! Zombies are coming in! Oh my God, I completely forgot about them!" Kevin exclaimed, yet his eyes were still glued to the TV screen where the virtual undead were brought down by his virtual bullets. After he'd regained consciousness, he had discovered that, strangely enough, it's much more fun playing a video game of a zombie apocalypse than it is to actually be in one. In fact, it was so fun that he was ignoring the real zombies who were crawling in through the smashed door and windows.

David looked at him for a moment, opening his mouth to speak. Then he shut it again without a word. _What am I thinking? I can finally get rid of this moron, and without even having to kill him myself. I'll just leave while he's focused on the game. Another point for video game addiction..._

"Save me, hotness!" Alyssa cried, hiding behind Ada as the spy put a bullet in the head of a nearby zombie.

"No! You're creepy!" Ada replied. She made a run for it, going towards the back of the building. Alyssa chased after her.

"Creepy can be kinky, right!?"

Yoko stood motionless, looking after them, before turning towards the zombies. She sighed. "I can't do this anymore. I fell in love with David, and he rejected me. I gave Alyssa a try, and she ran off after a sexier Asian. I'm just going to give up."

"Hey, enough with the monologue. Nobody cares," Kevin said. He turned up the TV and continued to play.

"Noooooo! I can't leave! At least let me take the PS3!" George whined as Cindy dragged him across the floor towards the back exit.

"Hell no! If you try to carry that monstrosity while we escape, you'll be doomed! You can't have me carry it for you, either!" the blonde responded.

"But...!"

Cindy was seriously considering pulling a David and just knocking George out, when she realized Yoko was about to be mauled by zombies. She made a half-assed attempt to prevent it.

"No, Yoko! You have so much to live for!" she said, still dragging the flailing doctor.

"Name one thing!" the Asian demanded.

"Uh..."

Yoko sobbed and hurled herself forward into a group of zombies, which began to munch on her most happily. "Ahhhhh! This hurts a lot more than I expected!"

"Oh goodness, I couldn't save her," Cindy said, sounding like her old innocent, braindead self for a moment. She looked at Kevin. She still wanted this one alive for her gay porn show. She dropped George's legs on the floor and went over to the TV.

"_This_ rots your brain!" she said as she put a foot through it. Then she stomped on the Xbox 360. "And _this_ makes you into a violent person!"

"Does not!" Kevin said while fumbling for his gun, only to find it was still out of bullets. He huffed and put it back into its holster.

"Let's just get out of here," Cindy said wearily. She walked over to George, finding that he'd crawled to the Playstation 3 and hugged it. She kicked at his hands until he let go, then hurled the PS3 at the wall, where it broke through and let more zombies in. Grumbling, she grabbed George's legs again and dragged him away.

.o.

Once outside, they found themselves in a narrow alleyway. It was spooky, but appeared to be clear of zombies and hunters and bears, oh my.

"Which way should we go?" Cindy asked as she covered George's mouth. The distressed doctor was wailing behind her hand, tears flowing down his face, clearly mourning the loss of the PS3. Everyone else was looking to David.

"How the hell should I know?" he demanded. Then he looked to the left and right. "Let's go...that way," he said, randomly selecting. They went to the right where there was a T in the alley. They went to the intersection and briefly considered which way to go.

"Stop drooling on me, Kevin. It's fucking disgusting," David growled, unable to help cringing.

"It's not me, but I can definitely drool looking at-- What's that noise? Sounds sticky," the cop said.

Almost gagging at the thought of the other man drooling on him, David turned and glared, but Kevin wasn't the problem. He looked up to see a licker crouched on the wall, its face a few feet over his shoulder. His eyes moved on their own as he noticed it had company.

Shrill screaming pierced the night. Kevin, as you'd expect. The gang bolted to the right again towards the open street. Once there, they could see the front of the gaming center with its mass of zombies surrounding it. The lickers were crawling along the wall in pursuit behind them. They ran straight ahead towards the nearest building - a hotel with what seemed like a random and lame name. The Apple Inn.

.o End of Chapter o.


	33. Neglect and Abandonment

**Chapter 33 – Neglect and Abandonment**

"Save me, my possible lover!" Kevin shrieked, like a girl, as he was carried off by a giant monster. "He's going to rape me, I'm sure of it!"

"What? No!" the monster interjected nervously. He was red and green and spiky, looking strangely similar to one Nintendo villain or another. But of course he couldn't be, he was a big scary B.O.W. "I just want you to marry me, or something. Totally innocent. Kid-friendly, yeah."

"This isn't a kid-friendly story! RAPE! RAAAAPE!"

"Shhhh! There's enough weird video game porn without you insisting that--"

"Save me, my dashing plumber! FROM BEING RAPED!"

"Oh now you're just--"

_Boing! Boooing!_

There was a strange sound coming their way. Most likely the sound that is made when someone jumps very high. Over the brightly-colored horizon, there appeared a red-and-blue clad, mustachioed, pony-tailed plumber.

"The fuck is this shit…?" David grumbled, but he kept on _boing_-ing towards the monster. He stopped when he was ten feet away and struck a battle-ready pose. "Unhand the princess, B.O.W.-ser!" Then he paused to look pleased with himself. "See what I did there?"

Did I mention Kevin was in a pretty pink dress? Anyway, he/she clapped his/her hands. "So clever! Now smash his face with a hammer!"

"Shit, I forgot about the hammer," the monster said. With his captive slung over his shoulder, he turned and made a run for it.

"Not so fast!" David said with an unusual amount of giving-a-crap. He whipped a toolbox out of God knows where and from it, removed a large hammer. Then he struck another pose, this time like a ninja about to throw a shuriken. The hammer whizzed out of his hand and chased after the B.O.W. The two seemed to match speed for a moment before the tool burrowed itself into the back of the monster's skull. The rapist--er, kidnapper rather, fell flat on his face, dead on impact. Kevin tumbled to the ground with another shrill cry before sitting up and brushing himself off.

"Are you alright, princess?" David asked kindly, walking over. His 'stache and ponytail blew in the breeze, and he was beautiful despite the awful clothes and extra facial hair.

"Thanks to you," Kevin sobbed with great happiness. Finally, David was speaking to him like he cared. He got up and straightened his skirt. As he approached the heroic plumber, he wiped away his tears and took on a sly expression. "Now let me thank you properly for your actions…"

"Yes!" David said victoriously, pumping his arm.

Kevin giggled gleefully and threw his arms around the other. He kissed David and, rather than punching him in the face, the plumber kissed back. Kevin stopped just long enough to say, "Let's have _consensual_ sex!"

"I love you!" David proclaimed.

It was like a dream come true. Only without the come true part.

"Wake up, you lazy ass! David, won't you do something? I'm sure he'd wake up if--"

"NO."

"Oh come on, I wasn't going to say--"

"Yes you were. Lying bitch."

"Don't forget what happened to Jim… Anyway, all I'm asking for is one small kiss. I mean, c'mon, the fans--"

"I heard the word David eventually followed by the word kiss," Kevin said, sitting bolt-upright.

"Finally!" Cindy whined. "You were screaming about rape and then about consensual sex and I was like, 'no, wait, go back to the first one,' but you wouldn't _listen_."

"Wait, you mean that was all a dream? Aw, dammit! Why'd you have to wake me up?" Kevin asked, showing a rare moment of being able to differentiate his dreams from reality. David should be relieved while it lasts.

"I already told you," the waitress replied.

"Oh yeah, and there's the fact that we're still in a zombie-infested hotel in a zombie-infested city. But go on and take a nap, neither of you has to worry about this stuff. Just let the plumber and his dinky folding knife take care of it.," David said sarcastically in his gravelly, sexy voice.

"At least we know you're not overcompensating for something…though I wish you'd let me check to make sure," Kevin tried.

"Nope, you can believe I'm absolutely tiny if it'll keep you away from my pants." David crossed his legs and arms and nodded to himself.

"Oh my God, do you people always do this? No fuckin' mystery why half your group is dead, all you do is sit around yapping!" Ada commented.

"Yeah, they're a bunch of over-talkative idiots," Alyssa the armless wonder agreed. "That's what I'm always telling 'em, 'shut the hell up already, we have to get out of here,' but they just tell me 'shut up, bitch, God we hate you,' and then I go and cry in the bathroom… But when I come back out…"

Ada grew bored about the second sentence into that speech and wandered away to stare out the window at good ol' Raccoon. There were zombies all over and the city was burning; nothing new. She sighed. "Damn explosions and unopenable doors blocking our way so we can only get out by fighting that Regis Licker skank and her horde of sex slaves…," she grumbled. "It's like no one's ever heard of opening a stinkin' window and jumping out." Then this idea actually clicked in her head and she opened the window right in front of her. She stuck her head out and looked around to make sure it was all clear.

"Hey, what're you doing?" Alyssa wanted to know. "And why doesn't anyone listen to me when I talk?"

"Two words: you're a bitch," Kevin said.

"Tell me, Kevin, did you ever finish high school?" David asked conversationally.

"Why, David, how lovely of you to--" and the plumber struck the cop, this time in the stomach, just for a bit of variety.

Kevin's eyes teared up. "You know…I'm starting to think this is an unhealthy relationship," he wheezed, then he fell over and vomited off the edge of the bed.

Ada stared at the group for a moment before her eyes hardened with resolve. "I'm leaving these nut jobs. I don't care if your survival rate is pretty decent compared to the thousands who are already dead or zombified, I think you're still going to get me killed. Either that or I'll just go looney and murder all of you myself."

"No! Don't leave me, super-hottie! Take me with you!" Alyssa sobbed.

"Sorry, crazy nympho, but I've got a rookie cop to go into a complicated, dead-end relationship with." She winked confusingly and stepped onto the windowsill.

"You're crazy! You'll never make it if you jump!" the blonde added desperately.

"I don't actually even belong in this story… Those rules don't apply to me." And with that, the master of double-crossing hopped out the window and landed gracefully on the grass four feet below. She threw a furtive glance over her shoulder at the survivors and then ran her ass out of there as fast as her long legs could carry her.

"Nooooooooooo!" Alyssa cried. She repeated the word a few times before turning around and looking at the others. "So, where's Yoko? I've got something for her."

"She died about five hours ago," Cindy replied. Even the She-Devil looked a bit disturbed about Alyssa's lack of sensitivity…and this was a creature that would surely kill cute, fluffy puppies and drink their blood.

"Nooooo…!" Alyssa started to cry out again, but stopped because her throat was getting kinda sore. She coughed a bit and went into the unit's attached washroom for some water.

"Sometimes, I wish I had stayed dead for good," Cindy said wistfully.

"Yes, it's a terrible world," George sighed, hugging the waitress. "My poor, sweet PS3," he added in a whisper. Cindy's hug became painfully tight.

.o.

"Okay, so Cindy and George and Alyssa, you three look on the second floor, and we'll check the first," Kevin said, hands on hips.

"I object," George objected.

"Me too," David concurred.

"What? Why?" Kevin wanted to know.

"Because I HATE YOU," the plumber replied with maximum subtlety.

"And...well, I find Miss Ashcroft to be unpleasant," the doctor sniffed.

"Screw you! Who needs ya?" Alyssa roared.

"You see what I mean."

"Okay...," Kevin said with a roll of the eyes. "Then Alyssa will go alone and hopefully die, and--"

"I'll go by myself, too," David finished.

Immediately, the cop clung to his love interest. "You can't!"

"It's dangerous to go alone!" Cindy added. "Take th--"

David was gone with a slammed door before that line could be finished. Kevin, never one to take no for an answer, followed. George and Cindy looked somewhat hostilely at the reporter. Alyssa stared back.

Finally, George sighed. "We must persevere."

"Shut up, George. The way you talk is stupid," Alyssa said.

"Wow, we agree on something," Cindy said. George shot her a hurt look but realized this was his punishment. He glumly followed the women as they went out another door.

The trio crossed the hall into one of the rooms and took a look around. There was nothing of use here, no sparkley keys or puzzles. They were turning to leave when there was a series of loud, hacking coughs in the bathroom.

"Oh no, it's a Smoker! Run!" George said, making for the door. Cindy grabbed him by the collar.

"You're confused again, dear," she said, a bit too sweetly. She went to the bathroom door and opened it. The three survivors crowded inside to find a fourth sitting on the floor.

"Shhh... There's this weird naked thing around that starts whipping you with its tongue if you make a lot of noise," the stranger warned. His clothes were torn from the abuse, and he was covered in blood. He coughed again. "I said 'nuh-uh, I'm not into that and besides, I think you're a dude. I ain't no homo,' but it just...wouldn't _stop_. Now I'm...dying."

"Hey, look at this toilet," George said, pointing at the clogged porcelain bowl nearby.

"Ewww...," Cindy said, and Alyssa made gagging sounds.

"Sorry 'bout that," the injured man wheezed. "I had a lot of Taco Bell before I came here, and I've been--"

"I think we should reach in and investigate," the doctor said. "Maybe there's a puzzle piece in there."

"What? Nah, man! That's just sick! Look, I didn't eat any rings or coins or anything. I haven't done that in...oh, at least six weeks, and I'm pretty sure--"

But George was already crouching in front of the toilet and rolling up his sleeves. Suddenly, Cindy grabbed him and hauled him to his feet. She gave him a good shaking. "If you don't get your games straight RIGHT NOW, I'm going to...to...go over to Capcom and make them put you in the next Resident Evil: Survivor!"

"Oh good Lord, no! Cindy, don't even joke about such things!" George said, his face pale.

Cindy scowled. "I'm not joking."

"Hey guys, I'm kinda bleedin' to death... Little help?" the stranger said with another cough.

"I-I understand, my love. I see the error of my ways. Now, let us never speak of this again," George said.

"Ah, uh, oh there goes some more of my blood... Darn it," the other male said.

"Let's get out of here," Alyssa said, covering her nose and pushing towards the door.

"What about the other survivor?" George asked.

Cindy looked at the stranger. "You know, I don't think he's breathing. We were too late," she said sadly.

.o End of Chapter o.


	34. For the Love of Something

Um... I'M SORRY.

I do not honestly expect people to have stuck around this long. But I'm finishing what I started, or at least still trying.

This maaay be the last scenario, since I'm getting worse and worse at updating. Might be best to end it.

**Chapter 34 - For the Love of Something  
**

As David dangled multiple stories above the oh-so-solid ground, he cursed. He cursed the zombies. He cursed God. He cursed the apparently-incompetent police force for their general inability to prevent, stop, or even survive this catastrophe.

But most of all... Most of all, he cursed Kevin Ryman.

There were many possible causes for this – the list of reasons why David cursed Kevin could've probably stretched to some distant, yet-unnamed planet and then doubled back – but right now, it was mainly because the definitely-incompetent cop was hanging off the plumber's leg and screaming at the top of his lungs. Shrieking like a mutha-fuckin' banshee, in fact.

"Let me go! " David roared as he struggled to keep his grip on the ledge. "Just die already and make this apocalypse ten thousand times more bearable! For the love of God, take one for the team!" He kicked at the claw-like appendages clinging to his ankle.

"But...but then who will marry you?" Kevin bawled.

"Dick Cheney! Rosie O'Donnell! Richard Simmons! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, as long as you're dead!"

Kevin felt a stab in his heart with each word, but he would not let go. He was a fighter, a survivor. Besides, there was no way David could mean any of the things he was saying right now.

"Okay, Cheney has that whole bad boy thing going on, but Rosie? Fucking Rosie!" he muttered to himself. He looked up. "The stress is getting to you! You're not thinking straight!"

"So...er," George cut in awkwardly. "Would you like us to pull you up yet?"

"No! Tonight...he dines in hell!" David boomed.

"Oh my, the stress really IS getting to him," Cindy said pityingly. "He's doing '300' way after the fad died a horrible death. We'd better help."

"Shoot him in the face first!" David said, trying to swat away their hands without falling to his own death.

"Sorry, no more bullets," the blonde replied.

"You lying bitch! You just don't want him dead. But there isn't going to be any gay porn here, okay? We've gone over thirty chapters and-"

"No breaking the fourth wall! And no spoilers!" Cindy said, slapping David as soon as he was safely on the fire escape grating. Kevin soon began to pull himself up, finally relinquishing his grip on his love's leg. As soon as he was able to stand on something solid once more, he began to stare at David while making various lewd expressions.

"Agh! I can't take this shit anymore!" David exclaimed, grabbing his head. He made to jump over the edge of the platform.

Cindy grabbed his arm with supernatural strength, 'tsk'ing. "Can't let you do that, sexy."

As the plumber realized how trapped and helpless he was – almost like he was being manipulated by another person via some sort of...controlling device – he wanted to weep. They would be manly, silent tears, of course, but still he suppressed the urge. Instead of crying, he just said, "Aw fuck".

"Attaboy." Cindy brought him to a ladder, ignoring the nearby door, which was comfortably warm for the likes of the blonde but was rather burny for anyone else. They went down a floor before going back inside to continue exploring David's personal hell, a.k.a. the Apple Inn.

"Sweet baby Jesus, I haven't said anything in forever!" Alyssa commented as they surveyed a slightly-smokey hallway. "We've sure been through some crazy-"

"Shut your trap or I'll pistol whip you! Twice!" Kevin cried, just as David snarled, "I honestly can't take your shit right now, so if you don't wanna die at the moment..." The cop looked over at his love interest, his eyes glittering over the similarity of their trains of thought. The plumber flashed his middle finger and walked on.

"Fine. I know when I'm not wanted," Alyssa said.

"No, honey, you really don't," Cindy sighed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" the red-clad bitch asked.

"Much as we'd all like to see you crushed by the realization, none of us has the time or the patience to make you understand the truth," George put in.

Alyssa tilted her head and stared hard at the doctor. "Oh my gawd, every time you open your mouth, it's like, well, you know in the Charlie Brown cartoons, when— hey, wait up, assholes!"

"Looks like we need a key card," Kevin said.

"Assuming this door is important, which I guess would make sense, since it's the only door we've seen so far that needs a key card," David replied.

"Yep," Cindy agreed.

"Isn't it wonderful, all of us agreeing with one another?" George said.

"While we ignore Alyssa?" Cindy added. She smiled at the doctor, and he smiled back, their PS3-related troubles over with for the moment.

"You guys suck! I hate you!" Alyssa sobbed. She tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling. "Come back to me, Yoko! I've become the new Jim without you!"

Cindy laughed wildly. "Oh, that's good! Yeah, you'll be the new Jim!"

"Up yours, you crazy ho! You'll pay for treating me like this! You'll all pay!" Alyssa shrieked. She ran off, wailing.

"What's her problem?" Kevin wondered aloud.

David looked at the other male. "You know, with New Jim gone, we're gonna need a New New Jim..."

"Um...what?"

The plumber sighed and face-palmed. "Scratch that. You're actually too stupid to fit the role. That's really saying something."

Cindy poked his arm and smirked. "Aw, c'mon. You just don't want to condemn Kevin to that kind of fate. Admit it. You caaare."

"Are you saying he _isn't_ too stupid?"

Cindy looked at the esteemed Mr. Ryman, who was currently mining for gold inside his nose. He seemed to notice that he'd been caught and quickly dropped his hand, looking around nonchalantly.

.o.

Alyssa didn't get far before she ran into some zombies. Luckily, they were slow as ever – perhaps even more so since it felt like years had gone by since this crazy adventure had started. Decomposition does not make for more effective muscle control. This probably evened the playing field. As she darted past one zombie, she bounced gracelessly off a wall, unable to cushion the blow with those useful bits called arms. She really wished she still had those things.

"Damn, I wish I still had arms," she said to herself. One of the zombies shared her pain, being short one arm. Well, not really, since its brain was basically mush and it felt no pain.

The reporter got to the end of the hall and ran into a door. With her face. She looked down at the knob, then at the empty spaces beneath her shoulders, then back at the knob again.

.o.

"_GOD FUCKIN' DAMN FUCK YOUR MOTHERRR-!" _came a distant voice.

"I wonder if Alyssa's being eaten now," Kevin mused.

"Or maybe she just realized that she's not very handi-capable," Cindy answered.

"How politically correct of you to say so," Kevin responded.

"I think she's being kind of anti-P.C., actually," David rumbled.

"Well. We don't _always_ have to be non-offensive to everybody, right?" Kevin asked, putting a hand on his hip and waving the other in the air in an unsubtly effeminate way.

"Actually, I think we're pretty much completely offensive to everybody, all the time," David informed him calmly.

"Who's gonna complain? The zombies?" Kevin laughed shrilly. "Face it, sweetie. There's no way any of this will bite us in the ass later."

"Riiight. That's enough of that," Cindy said with a roll of the eyes. "I think we'd better just go and find Alyssa, or her corpse. There's nothing much in here except for some nice shiny bullets and this dumb janitor guy's journal thing. What a sad, boring life he had. But at least we were right about the key card thing."

"And now we know why that boiler blew up, screwing everything up for us," David added. "God, these morons got everything they deserved."

"Whoa. Dark," Kevin commented.

"It's the fucking apocalypse, pal."

.o.

Alyssa was just standing there, hyperventilating. She really didn't want to go back to that group of assholes, but she also didn't want to be stuck in this one hallway forever, dodging zombies and wishing she could get laid with someone, _anyone._

"Yoko, I never should've let you die. It should've been me. I should've been saving you instead of making googly eyes at that other Asian. Even if she was hot. Super hot. I mean, like a model hot, while you're just kind of...well, not bad-looking, but mostly it's just-"

"You really aren't all that smart, are you?" Cindy said, making the other blonde jump.

"Never seemed that important, to be honest with you," Alyssa said warily.

"Look. You died and came back. I died and came back. Jim and Mark, too-"

"Wait, when did Jim and-"

"-And it only makes sense that Yoko will be back, sooner or later. So if you really want things to be different between you and her, you'll get your chance to make it happen." The waitress stepped forward and opened the troublesome door. "Now please, stop being so disgusting and let's just find that key card."

Alyssa looked thoughtful a moment, feeling hope again. Then she scowled. "_I'm _being disgusting! You're the one kissing that old nerdy doctor!"

Cindy looked coolly at the other woman. "I killed Jim and Mark. If you don't want to end up like them, you'd better watch your mouth."

Kevin stared slack-jawed at her, while Alyssa stood paralyzed by fear. The cop looked at David, pointing dramatically at Cindy. "I _told_ you she was evil! Evil!"

"Yeah, we know! We're way past that part!" David snapped. "Not that killing Jim and Mark is all that evil, really... You might even call her a saint for killing Jim." He looked at the woman in question, who was a ways down the hall, cackling maniacally while exploding a zombie's head.

.o.

It didn't take long to acquire the key card. They systematically went down the hall, searching each room they could get into, solving complex puzzles and...

Just kidding. They just ran around and randomly threw open doors, Kevin blasting zombies with his new supply of ammo, which was quickly being depleted again, and Cindy exploding heads. George followed, trying to look like he was being useful but failing. David enjoyed his reprieve from Kevin's advances, thanking God over and over for the distracting power of roaring guns. Alyssa was strangely quiet, almost pensive. Either she was thinking about Yoko, or she was simply trying to avoid pissing off the demon spawn that was Cindy.

When they reached the boiler room and saw a plastic card lying on the floor, George seized the opportunity for some glory. He rushed forward and, mimicking the chest-opening music from one RPG or another, picked up the much-sought-after object.

"Uh, good work," Cindy said, rubbing a couple of fingers against her brow.

"Thank you," the doctor beamed. "We'll probably have a few more puzzles or keys to find before this is all over, but we must surely be advancing in our quest!"

"NERD!" Alyssa couldn't help blurting out. For once, Cindy just had to agree with her.

.o End of Chapter o.


	35. Everybody Loves David

It just makes a-sense. This is the end, gaiz!

Disclaimer: I do not own the any of the intellectual property in the Resident Evil movies, books, and video games, and make no claims on the characters, locations, situations, etc. that are presented therein. I do not profit from the writing and posting of this fan fiction.

**Chapter 35 - Everybody Loves David  
**

"God, what is _with _these people? Does every person who owns a fucking building in this city have to have a raging boner for puzzles? If you need an emergency ladder, then you probably don't have time-"

"David! DAVID! You're breaking it!" Kevin screamed to be heard over the plumber's angry rant.

"Oh. You're right," David replied. Then he punched the power restoration panel once more. "Oops, I think I broke it. Guess we'll have to figure out some other way to get down. Like just dangle down and drop five feet to the ground."

"Wow, David. I love the violence and all, but...I would probably dial down the rage a little," Cindy commented.

"Gee, sorry, possessed demon bitch, but I guess I'm just kinda tired of this dragging on and on to forever."

"Then let's end it like a bunch of badasses!" Kevin roared. There was agreement all around, with one extra voice joining in the fray.

"Omigod, Yoko!" Alyssa squealed, giving a zero-armed hug. Which pretty much consisted of bumping into Yoko.

"Uh, hi," the Asian girl said awkwardly.

The two sexually-confused women looked around confusedly for a minute before meeting each other's eyes.

"Oh, Yoko! All I have are regrets! Can you forgive me, so we can be together forever and ever?" Alyssa cried.

"Er...," Yoko muttered, not sure what to say or do.

"Pass," Kevin suggested in a bored tone.

"Call her bluff!" Cindy said.

"Just hook up already so I have one less thing to worry about," David grumbled.

"Yes, Alyssa! Let's be together forever!"

"And ever," Kevin added, "Since you're both zombies." Then he realized half the group was undead now, and he almost peed himself a little. Close, but not quite. He turned to David. "I gotta go to the bathroom all of a sudden, but anyway. Aww, see how happy they are? What about us, David?"

The plumber turned his head slowly toward the other male. "Stop talking to me."

"Why? Why can't we just be together?" the cop sobbed.

"I don't know. Believe what you want, just believe that you and me ain't happening. How about 'it's a cruel, homophobic world where two gay men can't have a happily ever after'? Something like that?"

"Ah!" Kevin squeaked, pointing at David. "You're admitting you're gay!"

"Nah. I'm getting out of here now. You freaks do what you want."

* * *

"Oof!" went Yoko as Alyssa landed on top of her. She was being a good girlfriend and catching her armless lover as they reached the lobby floor. They looked into each other's eyes and then giggled in pure joy.

"I'm gonna be sick," Kevin said, immediately vomiting on the floor.

"Hey! Just because it's the apocalypse doesn't mean you can do as you please!" someone shrieked.

"Whoa. How'd we miss that thing?" Kevin asked, wiping his mouth. There was a bright-red Licker hanging from the ceiling in front of them. It had long hair and a t-shirt on, distinguishing it from the countless other Lickers in the building. Oh, and it still had eyes and an intact skull. Actually, it mostly just looked like a human who had been boiled alive and stuck to the ceiling.

"Ugh. Ruude!" the Licker cried.

"Would your name happen to be 'Regis', by any chance?" Cindy asked. She was beginning to share David's desire to get this over with.

"No, it's Karen. Why?" the Licker asked.

"Because WHABAM!" Cindy replied, pulling a shotty from Alyssa's God-knows-where and firing into the Licker's face.

"Ow! Why would you do something like that?" the ceiling monster demanded.

"Honestly? I thought it would do a better job of shutting you up. Sorry 'bout that."

"Just blow her brain up already! She's blocking the muthableepin' exit!" Alyssa cried.

Cindy gaped at the other blonde. "I can't do that! Think of me as a girl Wesker."

"Wesker? Where?" Kevin said, his eyes darting around the room. Then he looked at David, who was totally disinterested. "Erp. Not that I'm in love with him or anything. Don't get jealous."

"You don't have to worry about that. Moron," David rumbled. He looked at Cindy. "Now why the hell can't you just kill the bitch?"

"Language!" the Regis Licker aka Karen called out warningly.

David glared at it. Which was the equivalent of a Pokemon using Attract - and it was super effective! Karen clasped her hands together and sighed dreamily.

"Hey! No falling in love with _my _man!" Kevin cried.

"Okay. The sexy guy can live. Nomnomnom the rest of them, my minions!" the Regis Licker said dramatically.

Suddenly, a stampede of Lickers entered the room from various doors and crevices and portals to alternate dimensions. A hairless squirrel - its bare hide a pale red hue - was carried along in the throng.

"Oh hai! Long time no see!" Cindy said to the squirrel. It squeaked back and waved a paw while the Lickers circled the survivors and hissed. Sensing the threat to its master, the squirrel flew at the nearest Licker and started biting through its carotid. "Good boy!" Cindy added. She then dropped the shotgun and raised her hands above her head, starting an incantation.

"It's time to take out the trash," Kevin said lamely, and lifted his empty gun. He smacked the nearest Licker in the face to no avail. The beast tackled him to the ground. "Agh! It didn't work!" the cop screamed. "Save me, David!"

David speedily ignored him as he as he whipped his utility knife around all cool-like, slashing at another Licker and dodging its deadly claws. Yoko picked up the shotgun and pumped it. Alyssa hid behind her while she shot a third Licker and brought it down.

"Why didn't Cindy allow me to keep that PS3? It would make such a useful bludgeoning tool!" George exclaimed. He made do with a lamp off the reception counter and made like a lion tamer, jabbing at a mutant to keep it at bay.

"It's having it's way with me!" Kevin screamed as he wrestled with the Licker. The creature's tongue was slashing at his arms, though he managed to hold off its claws.

"You wish," David muttered, jumping back from a Licker's slash attack. He then leapt forward and stabbed the knife straight into the Licker's brain. Unfortunately, the thing survived, and now the plumber's knife was lodged into its head.

"Eek! This battle is terribly unbalanced!" George said. His lamp was gone, swatted aside like it was nothing. He ran away with the Licker close behind.

Just then, Cindy's incantation was finished and yet another mysterious portal opened. A pile of familiar, pink, squirming creatures poured out. With a mighty collective squeak, they jumped up and rained doom down on the Lickers. The humanoid monsters made horrible gurgling sounds as their blood gushed from a multitude of wounds on their throats.

"Noooo! My loyal minions!" Karen said. "I will avenge you!"

"Yoko! Kill dat bitch!" Cindy suggested politely.

The undead Asian pumped her shotty again and turned towards the Regis Licker. But before she could fire, Karen's tongue lashed out and grabbed the weapon, throwing it down the hallway she was guarding.

"Oh no! Our only loaded weapon! We're fucked!" Alyssa said. She mushed her body against her lover's. "Baby, since we're about to die-"

"Just make her head go asplodey!" Kevin said, shoving a Licker corpse of himself and walking menacingly towards Cindy. A pink rodent read the threat in his body language and jumped at him.

"Down boy!" The blonde demoness barked. The squirrel put its head down and walked over to her submissively, and she picked it up and began to stroke its back lovingly. She shook her head in answer to Kevin's demand. "It's against the rules! Look it up! We have to have a big epic-"

**BOOM!** went the Regis Licker as an RPG struck her. The explosion converted her and the ceiling and wall into bite-sized bits.

"Well, shit. Someone broke the Wesker rule," Cindy said.

An imposing silhouette could be seen approaching through the cloud of dust. The survivors wondered if he be friend or foe. There were some crazy people in apocalypses...

As the man emerged from the debris, Kevin and David yelled out a name at the same time: "Wesker!"

Kevin looked over at David. "Wait. How do you know...? And why did you...?"

David ignored him for the millionth time as he ran forward, arms open wide. "You saved me!"

The blonde killing machine opened his arms as well, wrapping the plumber in a loving embrace. "Of course I did. I got here just in time."

"Buh-buh-WHAT?" Kevin sobbed. He looked at each of his remaining companions, his hands held up questioningly, his mouth hanging open.

Wesker watched him and let out a great laugh of pure evil. After a moment, David joined him. Alyssa did, too. Yoko elbowed her in the ribs, shaking her head.

"What's going on here?" George asked, coming back to the group after his great escape.

"Well," Cindy started, "see, David was-"

"You're with Wesker? How did this happen?" Kevin demanded.

"We sexy people need to stick together. We can't be seen carrying on with fools like you," Wesker said coldly.

"Sorry, Kevin. It had to be this way," David said. "Maybe you can hook up with Chris Redfield or something."

Kevin fell to his knees and put his face in his hands. "_Why_, God? Why?"

The other survivors made their way outside, patting the weeping cop on the back as they went by.

"I don't really understand the situation, but you have my condolences," George said.

"I did not see this coming...but I kinda like it," Cindy whispered.

"That's what you get for making fun of child abuse!" Alyssa said with a cackle.

"Um... Bye," Yoko muttered.

And David and Wesker walked in their assless chaps towards the sunset. Happy times were had by all - except for Kevin, who was miserable as hell.

...Until two months later, when he met the undead superpowered version of William Birkin, who happened to be in town researching why every man in Raccoon City had turned gay. They got married and had beautiful mutant babies.

.o End o.


End file.
